Nappies - very PA "gift"

[BabyOrSanta]

I'm currently 37 weeks pregnant with DC1 so I know I've probably being idealistic etc etc but...

All along I've said I wanted to try reusable nappies for the baby. In hospital and the first few weeks, I'm fully prepared to use disposable and I will continue to if the reuseables don't work out.

However, my mother thinks I'm crazy and that I should only use disposables.
As a bit of background, she also doesn't agree with slings (she actually said why would the baby just want to "stare at your tits" all the time) and has generally made me feel really bad this pregnancy (going between complaining that I don't eat enough and saying I've got a "fat arse"). I do feel sorry for her as she had an emcs then went back to work very very quickly and really didn't enjoy being a mother at all. Also, she is very anti breastfeeding, which I hope to do (again, formula wouldn't be the end of the world either).

Anyway, a while ago my SIL gave me a gift of a "nappy tree" - basically a tree made out of rolled up nappies secured with elastic bands. I accepted it with good grace, as you do while saying (to my mother and partner) that I wondered if the local women's refuge would like them.
It's since come to light that my mother paid for these nappies and got my SIL to make this and she's commented to others that I'm ungrateful and probably chucked them in the bin (I haven't... yet).

So my question is, WWYD?
She's spoilt my pregnancy with her constant jibes and now nappygate has really pushed me over the edge.
I feel that I could end up putting my mental health on the line and push myself to use reusables and breastfeed no matter what OR I could just give in and listen to her about both and then always feel shit as I never tried.
This is giving me sleepless nights and I really don't know what to do...

(And I know, first world problems, first time mum naïveté etc)

You sound brilliant. You are going to be fine.

Like pp said the disposables may come in handy. We knew we wanted to use washables generally but we used disposables just for the first few weeks, just while we got used to things, and it's always handy to have an emergency disposable available as a last resort on days out. Can you disassemble the nappy tree and pack the nappies flat in a small box so they take up less room?

Your mum won't change, you can't fix people.you do not need to justify or explain your decisions to her. Let her advice be water off a ducks back and do what works for you.

Thank you for all your responses - I will reply but I've had a bit of a rough night so am going to try and get some sleep and I'll be back later

Eeeeek I hope my mother eventually comes round. If she does it will, of course, be all her idea and she was fully supportive but I doubt it

cannot I have a lock... and a chain... and a 6ft goodness knows what DP
Costs a lot in clothes but he’s usually good at guard dog

Shadow That’s my biggest worry. I feel like she’s already put a massive downer on my pregnancy (including referring to the baby as a mistake) and I really don’t want to develop PND even though I know it’s very likely

Penny you did it with twins?! I’m assuming that comes with it’s own set of “advice”.
I think that i’m Just a bit too used to not rocking the boat, especially with my mother. I’m constantly pointing out that the baby is mine and DP’s and no one else’s but it seems as if everyone wants a piece of the baby. They could all have had a share of the pregnancy... but it seems they just want the photo ops.

Gaudeamus if you met my mother, you’d never believe she knew the word “tits”. It’s not a word in her vocabulary at all. She purposely used it to shock.
I do feel like it is my prerogative to change my mind if I want to but I feel like I’m being pushed into a corner and I don’t like it.
Thank you for the luck I wrote out my birth plan yesterday (I know... I’m planning for it to all go out the window) but I made all the decisions in it. It actually made be strangely proud that it’s mine and she can’t comment or do anything about it (which makes me sound childish but... she’s put me in the position of rebellious teenager so I might as well act it )
DP doesn’t even after shut her down when she says stuff, she won’t say it in front of him. So it’s not that she doesn’t have the ability to bite her tongue, she chooses to say it.
WRT the nappies - my plan was always to have a few in which I have bought. I strangely liked all the choice and choosing which ones I wanted (a bit like the just-in-case formula). I’ve got no idea what these nappies are, they’re literally rolled into sausages and secured with elastic bands. Will the refuges etc take them like that? I feel like the “fun” of choosing the nappy brand and finding the best deals (I’m poor and it’s become a bit of a hobby ) has been taken away. And they’re just sat there goading me and reminding me, especially now that I know she actually went and bought them then got SIL to give them to me so that I couldn’t refuse them.

I have a two year old in reusables and 34 weeks with second DS. Baby will be in disposables for first few weeks (and around time of jabs - don’t want to risk passing rotavirus around!) my advice - use the nappy tree up in first few weeks (I received one, probably contained around 90 nappies? It honestly won’t last more than a fortnight) by which point your head will have cleared a bit and the exhaustion will be settling. You’ll also have a better idea of how feeding is going and more confidence in yourself to make these decisions. Cloth nappies are sooo easy to use and wash I honestly don’t find them any extra work - all I’ve got to remember to buy in is washing powder , rather than thinking ‘oh shit I need to run for nappies and wipes!’ There’s also the massive environmental and economical benefits obviously hah. Haven’t read all replies but best of luck whatever you do OP, we are the harshest judges of ourselves , no one else really cares what we do , just do whatever you’re happiest with and seek out birds of a feather xxxxxxx

Have you told her that her comments have been hurtful to you?
Or even said, I appreciate your advice, but this is how I'm going to do things.
Be firm.
Just tell the woman. You've got another 18 years of this, you need to show her who knows best!
(That's you).

I would just dismantle the nappy tree thing. Unfurl all of the nappies so that you have an idea of what size they are and if they will be useful to you. How big is this thing?

I would be seriously reducing contact with someone who spoke to me the way you mother speaks to you tbh.

Please don't chuck them as it's a waste! If you have some emergencies stock then donate ( or maybe freecycle/ free on FB then you can describe that they are rolled up)

Can't advise you about reusable ones as it's not my bag!

Refuges etc unlikely to take donation as they're not in original packaging, have you got any friends expecting that you could pass them onto?

Oh and re what @sycamore54321 said about cloth nappies maybe not being allowed at the hospital - the first nappy on my son was cloth, no problems whatsoever. I took some disposables with me too just in case but didn't need them in the end even though we stayed overnight. Just make sure you've got a good wet bag to put them in

Your baby, your rules. Don't fight battles over it because you don't hvae to. YOU are the mother.

Even if it was a PA gift if you are poor I would keep them in the cupboard and use if you need/ want. Seems like cutting your nose off to spite your face if you donate them and have to spend more on nappies if you don’t have much money.

My mum has strong opinions on me breastfeeding and other aspects of parenting. I just don’t see her much, it’s great.

sycamore I thought that re reusables and hospital so I’ve bought some disposables (rather, my best friend did as she’s as crazy as me in wanting the best deals and looking at all the brands - but she did it with my consent) and they’ll be packed in my hospital bag. I’m also thinking that if baby has to be kept in it will be easier on everyone for the first few days. Though i’ve Just remembered I need scented nappy bags so thank you!
My MIL sounds like your mum - she thought I was going to be using stained terry cloths like they did in Kenya in her day. She, however, said how horrible they were and then left it. I’ve since shown her some of the nappies I’ve got and I think she’s pleasantly surprised.
I think my mother’s coming from the perspective that anything “different” is bad. It’s like when I started dating DP, she didn’t care if he was abusive or whether he had a good job (he’s not and he didn’t at that time). She cared more that he has brown skin and seemed to take it personally that I didn’t want to date someone of “her” race IYGWIM?

Avoiding That’s interesting. I was born in the late 80s by emcs. The midwife cams to see my mother after she’d been at work all day, even though she’d been told that she shouldn’t be working. She still says that having to rush back home was the cause of her blood pressure issues and therefore preeclampsia. She was back at work 3 weeks later, leaving me with my dad. I, personally, think this could have something to do with PND and I don’t think we’ve ever had a real bond because of that (not the fact that she had PND but the fact it wasn’t treated or acknowledged).
And yes, even in this day and age I’m thankful of having a washing machine. And the tumble drier. I’m honestly glad for that as drying space is at a premium.

Orange That’s a very good word! I do think she is just trying to undermine me for no other reason than she just wants to look right, no matter what.
I wish going low contact was an option but it’s not currently mainly because of my living arrangements, DP’s HR department and Xmas. And the fact that I don’t have 10 pairs of eyes if I were to stay with the dogs at MIL’s.
Hopefully we’ll be rehoused early in the new year but it’s just a waiting game. From then on, I don’t plan on seeing my mother much at all as I don’t think she brings much to my life.
And I have a very nice sling... when I get it right! DP and I tested it using a teddy and it was hilarious. It was about an hour of us giggling with a large piece of fabric mummifying me... I’m thinking it gets easier!

Panna Thank you! I think I may use some of those lines. I’ve been practicing “broken record” with the baby’s name (purposely because I’m going to present it as a fait acompli) but it’s the only thing I’ve been able to be strong on. Just need to memorise some good ones...

Shadow that’s what I sort of try and do - it’s like ironing. She irons everything. I iron for high days and holidays. She thinks this is critisising her. So I try and wrack my brains trying to think of something to say to her that doesn’t offend otherwise she just goes off on one and gets upset. It’s just taking up so much brain space. I’m not a very sociable person so words aren’t my strong point and it’s just exhausting trying to second guess what she’s going to say so that I have a response ready (and then I have to remember the response...).

Yoga my DGM buys talc other than that, I’ve heard that it helps when shaving your legs?
Thank you for your recommendations - maybe my thoughts should change to “I’m not going to buy any disposables”. That would possibly get my brain to look at it differently?

Stripy I’m also worried about the “window to start breast feeding” closing. I’ve discussed my mother’s views with both the midwife and HV and they seem the sort of people who would nag me (in a good way - they know how much it means to me).
I’ve actually looked up the local breast feeding support group on FB this morning and pencilled it into my calendar. So thank you for the push! I think it will also help “normalise” BFing for me as I don’t know many people IRL who currently breastfeed.
I do think you have a very good point about the support network thing. Maybe I’ve been looking at it wrong. I’ve been thinking that “support network” would be DP and family. But maybe I should be thinking more “people who are actually doing what I’m doing”. I guess you wouldn’t join a rowing club if you were a gymnast.
Thank you for that!

I find that once you start drawing firm lines in the sand people do get the idea quickly.

It’s a bit like dealing with a toddler (so good practice!) Firm voice, good eye contact, calm voice. never five in to tantrums.

Absolutely don’t play rebellious teenager. Don’t take that role.

You are an adult. You are a mother. You have a Perfect right to make your own decisions.

Just say, thank you for your input but we’re happy with our decisions.

Don’t shout, don’t argue, don’t apologise. Make a decision and carry it through. If it doesn’t work out, don’t feel guilty or embarrassed just try something else.

Cool I have an amazing, if PITA at times DP. She generally doesn’t generally say anything in front of him but I am very aware that I do use him as a buffer. Unfortunately he works full time (and has also been pulling overtime) so I’ve been getting quite lonely and therefore spending more time with my mother. I’m hoping he’s going to be able to take some leave when the baby’s here so that I don’t have to do the first week (at least) alone and don’t have to rely on my mother but it’s still a bit up in the air.
I know it sounds 1950s but it’s so much better when I have him around and I feel much more protected.

cakes Thank you! I will try and use some of your strength as it seems you’ve got it!

Bue I think this thread’s definitely taught me that I need to “network” so that (in my head at least) what I’m doing is the most normal thing in the world and not the “weird thing” my mother is making it out to be. Thank goodness for google!

Madame and bum I think I’m going to keep a few - I seem to have sizes up to toddler size in there... she’s really pushed it hard. The others may be given to anyone who wants them. But, for now, I’m imagining putting them on a kebab and burning them.

Are you actually living with your mum now op? And will be when your baby is born? It may be that she's imagining buckets of dirty nappies around the house, lots of loads of washing a day, drying nappies on radiators etc? Is that why she contributed towards the nappy tree? You could reassure her about how you're going to deal with it? Obviously not a point if you're living somewhere else!!

camel you’re completely right - I never would hear the end of it. Hopefully hiding them somewhere obscure will help me mentally, at least.

Iceni Thank you
I’m just trying my best with what I’ve got which is all anyone can do I guess? This just really got to me, that she would stoop so low and to talk to so many people behind my back.
I’m going to try channelling some of the kick-ass posters on here, without being rude and I’ll hopefully have some very good stock phrases soon...

Robots Thank you for the advice about the jabs! I hadn’t even thought about that yet!
Unfortunately there seems to be a few of this size and a few of that, all the way up to size 4. So I’m guessing they’ll be around for a while...
And thank you so much! It’s definitely true that we’re our own worse critics and second guess ourselves all the time...

Pinky I’ve told her many times that what she says is hurtful but she always manages to turn it round on herself and gets upset. That’s why I’m always looking for ideas to get around “chats” as I can never quite say what I want to say and she takes offence or brings up the past (I was in an abusive relationship and she took me in while I got on my feet).
I’m really hoping that I do know best - as everyone’s said, it’s my baby

Dubious Hopefully, once we’re housed better I can cut some contact with her. Tbh she doesn’t make me feel good about myself at all and I feel like she’s ruined my pregnancy, something I will never get back which is really sad but I try and not dwell on it (except at 2am!).

Try Don’t worry, I would never just throw them away. I’d rather they went somewhere useful but I honestly wouldn’t just get rid of them (although a nappy bonfire is a good day dream). I know they would be a massive help to someone and wouldn’t deprive them of that just because I don’t want them. Plus it goes against my hippyish nature of protecting the environment etc.
Oh and don’t mention bag - my mother hates my changing bag too but DP bought it so she won’t say much.

Bums I’m repurposing the changing mat that came with my changing bag so that I have a matching wet nappy bag, just in case.
And (luckily?) due to my age there’s always someone on FB who is having a baby!

Whiskey Thank you! I’m thinking of getting a Mama Bear hoodie to boost my confidence (in my head). Just hoping for some cash for Xmas (not grabby, my dad lives a while away so usually gives cash).

Nerr I do sort of feel like that. If I do need the nappies, I’m sure I’ll use them. It’s more the fact I was railroaded into accepting them and what they represent IYGWIM?
And lowering the contact is definitely going to be something I look at doing in the new year.

Penny Can I take that and change “toddler” to “puppy” please? In the fact that it may take a while but once they learn no, it’s generally learnt.
I do find it hard not to be the “rebellious teenager” as it seems that’s what’s expected of me so I subconsciously act up to it? Maybe I need to train myself as well? Amazingly at work I am very efficient, productive, make decisions on behalf of a medium sized company... yet when it comes to my mother I just crumble... I don’t think it helps that I’ve been off sick/on maternity since July so I’ve not “used” that side of me in a while.

Thank you all for your advice, it’s given me things to focus on that aren’t necessarily Nappygate but that will help, at least over the next few months!

Dubious Not currently but likely in the next week or so. I think that’s why it’s really getting to me now.
What I would love would be to have a “house rules” chat before the baby is here but I can see that going down like a lead balloon in front of a clay pigeon shoot. Very very badly.
And I know she doesn’t like me being very independent - when I was there before she insisted she did my washing etc and still tries to do it now.
I can see me and DP sitting in my room with the baby and dogs constantly which is very very depressing. But hopefully the council will offer us somewhere in the new year. (Heck, if you can’t have hope what can you have?)

I would actually go lie cobtact with her. This is only going to get a thousand times worse once your baby is born.

*low

I find it is easier to just say "that's nice" or "mmmmm" rather than to get in to a debate. Sometimes " actually the current guidelines are x" as there will be advice on sleeping, weaning etc as well. If the disposables are size 1, keep them for the first few weeks, if not donate them for your own piece of mind. I started on reusables once DS was a little bigger and past the meconium stage. Will you have to spend a lot of time with her in the first few days? If you can get bf established with help from midwives etc, I notice you will be spending time with her for the first few weeks but if you can get those few days to yourself you may find it easier. That way you may feel a little more confident to say well this is working for us. At the end of the day, your baby, your rules.

When I was little we had a towelling tent thing that you could wear to get changed under if you went to the beach.

If I were you I'd stitch all the nappies together to make one of those and give it to your mum as her Christmas present.

Just smile and nod. She's simply training you for the inevitable future which is everyone having an opinion on every single thing you do. It's tough but you get used to it.

The best advice I can give you is to go with the flow and do what you think is best at the time. I had lots of fixed ideas about what I would do when I had my twins and when those things didn't pan out because their birth and first months were traumatic and filled with problems, I beat myself up so much. What a waste of energy!

Do whatever you want to do it's your baby not hers.
We use cloth nappies, but used disposable for the first couple of weeks & holidays where we can't wash etc.
Once you've got yourself sorted (and it may take a few weeks) you can show her what you are doing and why it works for you. If she get's overbearing at the beginning ask for support on here or from the midwife/ hv & get yourself out if you can to sling libraries/ bf cafe's/ clinics & baby groups (anywhere she won't want to go)
Good luck & you will work out what's best for you and your LO

Use the disposables after the injections - you are not meant to use reusables for 24/48 hours.

We use reusables but use disposable when staying in a hotel etc.

Little lambs and blueberry wraps work amazingly well together! Used for three babies including twins. As for washing those clippy hanging things are great for nappies. Hang on the line or the shower rail!

A nappy tree? Wtf