how do I contact my mother who's husband has isolated from me?

[bobbleteen]

A bit of background: my father is insanely passive aggressive and controlling. I have been living away from my parents on their money albeit it's not enough and they maintain significant control over me.

I have historically had better relations with my mother than my father, the latter can be very agressive and inhumane. It is only recently however that I was enlightened about gender differences having grown up fairly PC.

My father has seemed to have taken over all my mother's internet accounts, her mobile phone has been disconnected and the house phone doesn't answer during the daytime (she's a housewife).

Can you go there in person?

Could you go and visit?

Not really. I'm currently abroad, and if he's that controlling of my mother then I dread to this about what will happen to me. It wasn't easy at all trying to move out.

It would be financially quite expensive (they can afford travel expenses but not me personally) and I might end up having to confront my controlling father with the possibil fallout.

I'm unsure if a police welfare check is too much of an escalation, and whether it would create a worse situation for both me and my mother if my father is involved by the police. I just want to contact her.

Are there any friends or family nearby who could visit? Work place or colleagues?

Any chance you could extricate yourself financially? I think that is a slightly separate issue but really important for you.

I have contact numbers of relatives but they are all the male husband (my mother only has one sibling who's female) or connect to my father. And I doubt my father allows my mother to keep friends either.

They genuinely do not provide enough money for living expenses let alone travelling anywhere. I would either have to prove an emergency or ask them to meet me (all requests directed at my father).

(Before you ask, my mother comes from a conservative background so the thought of divorce can be quite dramatic in her mind, so it's often hard to challenge his behaviour towards the family).

Not sure what you can do about your mum.

Why don't you earn your own money OP?

I'm not quite sure what money has to do with the situation. The emergency here is the lost contact. But I have personal issues that prevent me from working and I am also not supposed to work at my stage of life.

I find that my father is overtly passive aggressive and controlling to the point that working/studying is near impossible and I need to stay away from him. But I can get along with my mother perfectly.

What do you mean about gender differences? And what stage of life lets you be abroad but not work?

Regardless, if you have concerns about your mother then before getting a police check, why not ask a local friend to drop by in person one morning and if no-ones there, drop a note. If she's a housewife and he's not, she should get to it first in any case.

Seems like a strange set up that you live abroad but for some reason shouldn't/can't work. Are you at uni?

I am not sure that you can do much about your mum without actually turning up at her door. unless the police have reason to be worried about her safety it is unlikely they could do much. If she chooses to stay with your dad then that is up to her.

I do understand your concern though.

Anyone else confused....

So your parents provide you with a private income? You don't work but live abroad. I don't understand gender issues.

Can't you ask a relative to check on your mum?

I was brought up by society (school etc...) to not stereotype gender norms, though I now see the situation my parents are in as being quite stereotypical behaviour, with the agressive male father.

I dont have any personal friends where they live since they've moved house after I left. The only way to avoid my father is to courier a letter at a specific time, but I'd have thunk she could have done the same thing with a letter.

Are there any organisations out there that can do house calls or phone calls to residents in order to check-up on their welfare? I can imagine my father feeling the heat when confronted by external authorities/organisations.

TBF the income is very small. I study currently and my father can maintain a lot more control over me than if I was to quit and go on welfare/job. I am contemplating changing income source but there's a lot to that too.

my mother only has an aunt and I've only for the landline for her (picked up by husband) who I never contact otherwise. I'll try again to see if she picks up (TBF Ive been worried they'll fall to my father's side, esp the husband).

Though I'm unsure about what to do long-term too. How do I stop my father meddling in the relationship between me and my mother? I want to be able to talk to her and have her be honest and open.

Sorry op but it's very confusing !

Is English not your first language ?

Why can't you work at your time of life?

Why are you still accepting money from him? You continually talk about money in your first few posts, that's why it's being raised.

I can’t think of any agencies that would do a spot check on her, and ask her to get in touch with you.

I think your aunt seems to be the best avenue.

But I agree with other posters that your posts are quite confusing. You depend on your father for money, but seem to be NC with him. You can’t work, yet are able to study and live independently abroad. Your gender references are difficult to make sense of.

Another one who's confused. What do you mean not supposed to work at my stage of life ... I get that you're studying overseas and your father/parents support you to some degree financially. What else do you use as income to support you? Are you living with other family members/friends who support you?

Is there welfare officer where you study that you could mention your concerns to? I would look at getting a partime job and getting some money your dad doesn't know about.

Also your Dad isn't doing this because its a gendEr norm but because he isn't a nice person

What country is your Mother in OP ?

Perhaps posters know of organisations that can do welfare visits

You could contact a church local to your Mother and request that the priest/vicar visits your Mother during the day, acting as an intermediary between you and your Mum.
You could do all that by email, and if you were able to strike up a rapport with the vicar I'm sure they would help you.