To break tradition?

[MrsBonato]

DH and I have been together almost 10 years. Every Christmas we have gone to his family, even at times eating with my parents and then leaving to drive the few hours to his family and spending the remainder of Christmas and New year with them.

I missed one Christmas as I had our son 3 weeks before by c section and wasn't in the mood for Christmas, his mother was insistent he went and even arranged and paid for a taxi to take him.

We have since taken our son and spent all Christmas with them. Last year DH said to me we weren't going to go, it didn't bother me either way and I don't interfere in his decision.
We ended up going but DH got increasingly stressed, the competition between him and is brother for their parents attention is ridiculous, there is also the grandparents and their other great grandchildren to add to and he sees it as although we are expected to go they don't make much time for our ds and expect too much of him.

This year he is saying we are not going, he's planned Christmas at home, just the three of us and we won't be seeing his family until the 27th. That's fine, however when speaking to his parents he hasn't told them and continues to talk to them about Christmas as if we will be there. I know he is dreading telling his mother especially and she will voice what she feels, I'm also pretty certain that I'll get the blame for the decision.

Sorry for the long drawn out explanation but what would you do? Contact mil on my own and say we won't be down until 27th? Badger DH into telling her? So that everyone knows where they stand and exactly what is happening? Or just make the DH decide to go down and spend it with them as we always have?

My own family were quite pleased when he said to them we wouldn't be going this year until the 27th, as obviously they haven't seen our son over Christmas really at all. Thankfully they are very understanding and don't force us to see them or make demands on us, but clearly they would love to spend that time with us.

Hmm. Are you sure it's his mum he's lying to that you'll be there, rather than you that you won't? Sounds like he's a bit spineless - agreeing to leave you alone at Christmas with a three week old baby after a C section to please his mother would have been veering seriously close to chucking him territory for me.

Just make arrangements with your family and to spend some time at home, or doing what you and your son like
Let him sort himself out and don't go if you don't want to

Insist he tell his Mother, it’s not fair to her otherwise, no matter how annoying she may be. The longer he leaves it the worse it will be.

He needs to grow a pair of balls & tell her you are not going

Pigeondujour he also left me 4 weeks before our ds was born to go on a trip around Scotland with his mother, and not just around Scotland but seemingly everywhere his phone wouldn't work. I was admitted into hospital half way through his trip with extremely high blood pressure, coincidentally hours before I'd had a terrible text argument with his mother about how I was allowed to call and text him as much as I like considering I'm here putting together a nursery with my best friend rather than him....that's another thread entirely, and luckily for DH I'm very forgiving.

But that's partly why I know I'll get the blame, despite never stopping him seeing his family obviously. I'm just not quite good enough for her son and it's easiest to blame me.

Yes he does need to tell her, I wish he wasn't so willing to give in to her every demand, I know it shouldn't be the case but she doesn't do anything for us, in the 10 years she's been to where we live twice, once to help move his stuff and then when our son was days old. That's it, we have to pay to stay where they are, so on top of Christmas costs it's accomodation too, our ds gets unsettled as he doesn't really know the family that well and is in a strange place and it's generally so much effort for not a great time.

But as I say, I'm not bothered either way, I just want something final.

When you send off her Christmas card include a date you will see them over the festive season - a quick apology for missing the actual day!!
Then leave dh to deal with her.

OP, that's a terrible way to treat you. It may be lucky for him that you're very forgiving- it's incredibly unlucky for you. You don't deserve that.

What would I do?

Not insist, not nag, but remind and open a discussion about when and how he is going to tell his mother. This is a big deal for him, but he needs to be in control of how he handles it. Included in the discussion needs to be the fears that she will blame you for the break. He needs to consider this aspect carefully.

You are together with a man who does what his mother says. This is not great, but the process of untangling himself from her clutches has begun, and you can support him, and lose patience when he wavers, but not before.
Good luck.

Do you know what? They are miles away. Talk to DH, decide how to play it, then just go for it. Inform them by letter that your family haven’t seen DS at Christmas, so you have both decided to stay h9me this year but you'll look forward to see8ng them on 27th if that's still ok. Or don’t even offer that, until they kick up a fuss.

What would you like to do on xmas?

I think its ok backing SO, but 10 years of dancing to his mothers tune - really? How must your family feel if they’re effectively left out in the cold? If it was me, I would have rotated each xmas, or have set hols for my family and his. I think its despicable how you’ve been treated, and you should be your hubby’s first priority - not his mother. I think he needs to grow a pair, and his mother sounds like an insecure and selfish creature. I wouldn’t put him in the situation of feeling like he had to choose his mother or his wife, but I’d remind him that when you agreed to marry him, it was a proposal from him you accepted - you didn’t agree to marry his mother. On that basis, he should be making joint decisons with you, and not deciding what is going to happen and expecting you to just go along with it. Who are you trying to please? This is your life and your marriage - you need to take charge of it instead of being a backseat passenger and just going along with whatever your hubby or his mother decide for you - think about what you want, that’s really important too. Good luck👍

Don't say anything. Why can't you leave him to deal with it? He's not a child. He made the decision. I don't see why you're taking it all on board at all. They're his parents and eventually it will all sort out, and life will go on.

Make your own arrangements with your own side of the family. Tell MIL that’s what you’re doing. Do not apologise, you’re doing nothing wrong. If she moans, tell her it’s your parents’ turn to see their grandchild this Christmas.