NC parent going to Dignitas

[Caulk]

I’ve been no contact with both parents for about 3 years.

I’ve just had an email from my dad saying that my mum is going to dignitas at the end of the year and to consider seeing them before then. She has a degenerative medical condition.

They weren’t great parents but I’ve never known them to lie and I know it’s something she had talked about before.

How do I even work out what to do? I’m have a therapist and I’ve emailed her but hadn’t heard back yet. I don’t think I want to see them, but I don’t want to not do it and regret it.

What would you do?

I am nc with my mother for similar reasons to you.

In your situation I would still be nc. My mother doesn't deserve to have her last request and a clear conscience when she dies.

My mother would certainly try to rewrite history, downplay what I went through, deny her part, then she would tell everyone she was oh so reasonable in seeing me and i was a bitch to her knowing she was going to die.

She would go off feeling justified and I would feel worse knowing that she never apologised and admitted fault.

That's just my situation, do you think your mother would apologise? What would you get out if It?

Your father went to jail for sexually abusing you your mother stood by him, if it was my mother I wouldn't see her I don't think she desrves your goodbyes tbh .

OP, I’m NC with a parent and made the choice not to visit them in hospital for a serious operation it was thought they wouldn’t make it. I don’t regret it. You don’t have to go to see them, if they deserved you, they would have you. People don’t go NC with parents unles the circumstances demand it. Good luck OP, thinking of you

I haven’t been in your position, though my relationship with my parents is not good.
She has had time to consider her position. Effectively, by siding with your father she went NC with you. She made it impossible for you to be in touch.

I don’t think you have anything to gain by doing this. They are still very much in control. They have not apologised or recognised their behaviour. I can’t see any reason to do it.

Thank you for all your answers.

I feel If I saw her, i would be blames for her no longer wanting to live, which definitely helps me to feel it’s the right thing to staying nC

That makes things pretty clear.

makes sense. hopefully they will leave you be.

(Sorry, was typing it quickly after driving, hence the typos!)

I wouldn’t go and I’d have no regrets at all about it. They sound like despicable people and my opinion is you’ll be well rid and it’s a shame he’s not going to dignitas too.

So very sorry Caulk you had to deal with that abuse in the first place and the terrible response to it on top. How dreadful. She stood by him and you had to deal with that too.

Also it may not be that the Dignitas plan is the last you hear, there may be messages to you after that around the funeral, her will, or any personal items of hers or of yours they have etc- others may continue to seek your input in various ways. Whatever you decide at this stage it seems likely there will be an increased level of contacting you for some time.
I’m sure you’re already thinking about that, but just wanted to send sympathy for how hard that long drawn-out road ahead can be emotionally, when someone dies and it was a very painful relationship that you had with them. A lot of the usual expectations and supports just don’t apply in that situation and not everyone will understand that.

Please be extra kind to yourself and keep on protecting your own feelings as best you can. You are the only important one here. It follows from that and is right and proper (I’d say vital) that all of your choices centre that absolute valuing of your worth and well being.
You need to feel free to do whatever you feel is the best/least worst option for you, at any given point, centred around that core value. Sorry that you are having to wade through all this.

Oh I hadn’t even considered that side of things. Ffs. Ive just been thinking about the immediacy of it. I don’t want to get caught up in wills or funerals or anything. How do funeral even happen there?

Looked at their website which talks about a local Swiss funeral director being involved after the death, so they would be instructed with what is wanted. I’m not sure what happens if there are any specific eg religious requirements around what should be done after a person dies but the local funeral director would work in accordance with instructions.

But all else being equal, if someone dies overseas and there is a body you usually have these choices: the person who has died can be given a local funeral (or whatever is appropriate) and their remains then be put to rest locally.
Or it can be arranged to bring back the body here for funeral and cremation or burial. Or it can be arranged to have a cremation out there locally, then bring back the ashes to here, followed by the most appropriate event/ceremony (or none) here and then deciding what to do with the ashes.

The latter is the least expensive option and can sometimes be the one that takes the longest to resolve in terms of being concluded as a process. This is because in some cases there isn’t the same immediacy felt by all the relevant people to decide on the next step once there are ashes to be dealt with, rather than a body. Some people may place value on not having to make a decision quickly, for example. But that won’t apply in all situations of course.

Hope this isn’t too blunt to set out like this, just trying to put down what may be the options.

Thanks, that’s helpful. I imagine they will have sorted that out - I’ve no idea. My fear is that he will kill him self too, but I guess I don’t need to speculate on that. It’s just incredibly shit.

Oh caulk love. I had a friend, one of my best friends, in exactly the same situation a few years ago except it was the dad who had been in prison who was dying. Here's what I told her.

Everyone's got an opinion about him but this is about you. Is there anything you feel is unsaid or you would like to have told him over the years? He wants to see you to ease his conscience. If you go don't go for him and don't think you have to say anything to make it better for him. He has no right to that. But if you'd like to see him now with no power over you and tell him anything, even if it's fuck you, let's go and I'll wait right at the door with keys in my hand while you do it ready to go any time.

Swap her for him and see how you feel. Don't go alone if you do.

He died overnight before we got there and she was so angry for a long time.

Thanks RJ.

The fact that you are thinking about it says to me you need something out of the situation.
My father was imprisoned for sexually abusing my daughter and like you, my mum stuck by him, and never spoke to me or my daughter again.
Haven’t heard from any family since either, so presume my mother had made out it was a mistake or he’d been accused out of malice. I don’t know.
I wouldn’t see either of them in any situation because I know that I’d be so angry and even if they apologised a million times, it would never be enough.
There is no situation in my mind where meeting them could be a positive thing. If they were sorry, it wouldn’t be enough, if they weren’t sorry, I’d probably feel like killing them.
I hope you make sense of it all with your therapist and I send you all my love and best wishes x

I made the decision not to see a terminally ill parent, everybody told me that I'd regret it and I was adamant that I wouldn't. Fours years later and I've been in tears about not having seen them before it was too late. I feel such a bitch about it so I'd say to think very carefully and if you decide not to then be prepared to struggle at some point in the future, you could discuss how you'd deal with this with your therapist. Be kind to yourself

Caulk, I'm so sorry that yet again your parents decisions are causing you emotional trauma. As someone above said, think about if there is anything you really would like to say to your mother (and maybe father in case he does end his life as you suspect could happen). If so maybe now is the time to say it either in person or in written form to them.

Whatever you do, make sure it's for you and your needs. You owe neither of them anything. If you feel all has been said then you honestly do not need to force the issue for yourself.

Unfortunately I suspect whether you make contact or not, you will still struggle when she or they die as emotions are very complex.

In truth, if she wanted to apologise she would not need you to see her as she could communicate via email even if your father had to write the message so that's why I'd suggest going for you if you need to say something and not in the hope you may get the apology you massively deserve

Caulk So sorry. It IS incredibly shit and unbelievably unjust that you have to shoulder this. Hope you will set yourself up with as much support as you can to help before and after the death. I am really glad that you have your therapist already. Your GP may also be able to offer help. Your workplace may offer bereavement leave or support of other kinds.

IME talking about my feelings around the bereavement as much as I needed to - including with different professionals till I got one that worked for me- and being with other people, (with whom whether we talked about the bereavement or not, I knew I would be free to talk if I wanted), is what helped to get me through feeling isolated in dealing with my complex feelings around a death which had raked up a lot for me. (In different circumstances but I hope it might translate). I found that a lot of the available bereavement support was geared towards a set of relationships that didn’t bear much resemblance to the ones I was thinking about.

So I hope you will surround yourself with supportive people. Just to add that however supportive of you and well intentioned some of them will likely say things that jar or seem tactless about your situation or after the death though. That seems to go with any kind of family situation or bereavement. Inevitably everyone deals with bereavement through their own lens of experience so this is likely to happen.
But the people who DO get it are what will get you through in the end, so hang in there, and cast your net wide.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your kindness and experiences.

I’ll see the therapist tomorrow so I can talk about it there which will help. It feels like it’s been going on for a long time now and I really thought that going NC would be the end of things.

I hope you get some clarity on what you want to do when you see your therapist tomorrow. You could acknowledge things with a letter to your mum, or say you do not want to see them but if there is anything your Mum wants to say to you she can put it in a letter. It is not your job to make your mum feel better before she dies by seeing you when she and your father have treated you so appallingly. You don’t owe them anything, you don’t need to feel obliged to see her or guilty if you don’t.

Leave their decisions and the emotions around them to them. Be the guardian of your own actions and the protector of your own emotions. Only see them if you want to, on your own timescales, and definitley not to be scapegoated.