How can I forgive my husband for cheating

[Wifeymumy]

This is my first post on here and I’m literally at my wits end.
My hubby and I have two beautiful boys, we have been together for 11 years. Our eldest is nearly 5 and our youngest just 8 months.
We’ve recently being going through a tough patch in our marriage, my husband has commented a few times that I give him no attention, which isn’t too far from the truth but it’s also a very selfish statement coming from him. He used to get in from work at about 6.20, he’d sit and look at his phone, clean the car, anything to avoid helping with the children. Then once both the boys were in bed he’d sit in the bath for an hour every night playing on his phone. He neglected us, I’ve mentioned it to him many times and he always uses the same excuse ‘I’ve had a hard day at work and want to unwind when I get in’
So when he tackles me about having no time for him I get annoyed because it’s in fact him who has no time for us.
Recently he’s been getting home half an hour late. Literally just making it home in time before they get into bed. He then spends an hour in the bath. Eats his tea and falls asleep. I asked him why he’s late, he says it’s traffic or got out of work late. He moans that our eldest child never wants anything to do with him, I tell him straight it’s because you’re never here.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago I found out he’d had a little fling with a woman he works with. I asked him why and he says she shown him the attention that I didn’t. This devastated me because if he’d been available to us I would’ve had time for him. He left everything to me to do, the children housework means etc and then used it against me to sleep with someone else. I threw him out, he came crawling back, saying he’s realised that the problem was him, not me and that he feels stupid and embarrassed, it was the biggest mistake of his life and he loves me and so on.....
He had ended his sordid little affair before I found out about it because he came to his senses, but as luck had it I found out.
I have 2 children with him and want my family to be together and happy. Since he’s been back (a week) he’s been 100% perfect dad, and trying really hard with me, apologising, promising he’ll never do this again, but my problem is he’s hurt me so deeply I feel numb towards him. I hate being in the same room. He’s litter turned my life upside down. I used to look forward to talking to him at night and telling him what I’d done that day and text him telling him what I was making for tea. But it’s all ruined. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and husband and the life I knew has literally just vanished.
Has anyone been through this and got through it and stayed together?

Magic fanny oh op that made me chuckle. I know you probably feel so scared and the thought of change, but it is better while the kids are little as they dont miss a trick when they get older, so please only think about what is best for you. The kids will be happy if you are. Get yourself out with some close friends, just for a break.

UPDATE**. So the sorry loving husband disappeared rather quickly. He expected me to get over this in the second week. He started to get moody with he again to the point where he was intimidating. I asked him what was wrong and he said the enormity of how badly hed messed up was messing with his head and he had no idea of how to even begin to put it right. I told him that the week before had been a good start and that we’d take it slowly and once he got another job and once we started our counselling things may start to feel a little easier but it’ll take time. A week ago he told me that he didn’t want to leave his job, I said you know I’ll struggle while you’re working with her. He said I’m not choosing her over you but I’m not leaving. So I said you’re choosing a job over your family he said yes. So I threw him out again. I have told my son who turned 5 at weekend that his daddy doesn’t live with us anymore. He broke his little heart and I hate that bastard for making me do that to my child. I just wish I’d have never let him back in the first place. You can’t believe the man I loved could do this to us. And you’ll never believe that the cheeky shit actually wants to come back home again!!! I honestly think he’s a narcissist. Thank you all for the words of support. Xx

How have things turned out ? Did you allow him home ?

No I’ve not let him come home. He’s seeing a counsellor, he says he wants to come home and he needs help, he can’t explain it but he gets into a frame of mind where he doesn’t care about anything. And that he can’t help it even though he knows he’s doing wrong but at that moment in time he doesn’t care. I’m no mental health expert and I don’t know if there is any truth in that or if he’s just full of self hatred (when he’s in that frame of mind he says things like ‘I’m a let down I’ve ruined the best thing in my life and you’re better without me and so on) I do believe he’s sorry for what he did, and I stand by the fact that I could maybe work through the infidelity simply because it could have easily been me. He neglected me too and we became more like housemates than a married couple. I’d like to think I never would do that, but I believed he would never do that, but we’re all Human we make mistakes and married life is harder than we expect. But it’s just that he either tried to justify it and go moody all the time or go into full self pity. But it’s alk about him and how he feels. Never seems to spare a thought of how betrayed I feel.

It sounds as though there is a chance to move past this and i totally agree, mistakes do happen. Moving forward if he insists staying at the same job, is it possible for this to happen again? Does he pick her up in the car ?
Is it a job where lots of other people are? Or is it a job where they have alone time.......I only say that as if the opportunity is there, then that is a risk.

He insists that he’ll never go near her again. They don’t work closely together, they’re not in the same department. But none of that stopped them last time, but if he’s turned into someone that would cheat he could do it in any job. I just don’t like him being near her because she’s an easy target, if I’m to believe what he told me, the night the flirting started was a on a works do on a night we’d had a row. So if he stays there I’d constantly be fretting that if we bicker, as all couples do, he could easily end up doing it again out of spite. But then is that just being justifiably paranoid?!? Xx

You are better off without this dick

Honestly, he sounds like a complete manchild who blames everyone else for his inadequacy. He even has you thinking it was the OW tempted him away from his family !

This bellend will have you dancing to his tune for ever more if you take him back. Don't let him make a fool of you ever again.

He treated you amd the children appallingly. He blamed you for his selfish affair. Stop looking for excuses for his shit behaviour and instead teach yourself not to accept it.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through something so painful. Everything you have said above, I can absolutely relate. Those were the exact thoughts I had when I first found out about my DH. Apologies this response is really long. :) I hope what I'm about to say can help you if you want to see a positive example in staying and persevering but because I don't know you or your husband personally my experience may not be right for you.

I always said that I would beat the crap out of my DH, divorce him immediately and make sure he pays for it. I would also judge other women who stayed with their cheating husband/BF. All this was before it happened to me. Easy to talk tough but tougher to carry through. It was super hard staying with him because he was a constant reminder that he could do this to you and your relationship. I felt the same as you when I saw the incriminating text, I immediately lost my best friend, my life and me.

I chose to stay at first because I loved him and kind of in denial but eventually it was because he realised he made a mistake and we both wasn't ready to give up on us. I gave him a cat door to crawl through for him to make it up to me. For you to heal, he has to make most of the effort and be willing to. He hurt you and it is his responsibility to make things right.

My DH's actions after was my indicator of his commitment to making it right. Whatever he said to me I didn't believe him because he lied to me for months so why should I believe him now. When he stopped making excuses, told me where he was going in advance, who he was with, answered any and every question I had for him even if I had asked him before no matter how painful it was for him to admit, he was patient with me when I cried or was angry, he listened without interruption and when he said he will do something (even if it was something small like washing the dishes) he will do it without question, excuses or hesitation. These are the things he needs to do to help you you heal. It wasn't overnight and it was a painful journey. We argued a lot but overtime he realised he needed show me more than words and when you see him making extra effort that is when you know he understands the damage he caused you and he want to make it right. Over time the arguments became less, he became more understanding to my emotions, he was honest with me about his emotions, he stopped blaming me and took 100% responsibility of his choices.

It's been your first two weeks since you found out and I think it's normal to have your kinds of fights in the beginning. The dynamic of your relationship has shifted and it feels like you're arguing with a completely different person you were once married to and you too became a different person. Most of my arguments made no sense. We had so many fights to the point where I couldn't bare the sight of him and he was so frustrated with me constantly crying everyday, at work, at home, having a shower, in public. Just absolutely everywhere and I couldn't stop it. I frequently had thoughts that's it, I had enough of this BS.

I had no idea who I was, what this relationship was, who he was. All was very confusing. This is going to sound selfish but you need find yourself again and you will also need to be ready to heal before you are up for forgive him. You don't have to forgive him too quickly either, take your time, know what you are forgiving him for (like lying, breaking promises). Forgiving is a choice and is not for him to feel better but for you to move forward and let go. That is why it is important he needs to work on building trust so you can focus on putting yourself back together. You can't do both. You can't fix what he has broken. Just like a broken robot can't fix itself (not that you're a robot but you get the idea :) ). He has been selfish for long enough. His cheating actions was for himself, his ego, his insecurities and attention all for himself. Nothing to do with you. It is time he gave you back the attention you need plus interest.

I highly recommend investing a few sessions with a good councilor and possibly one who has dealt with PTSD because you will have trigger memories which will create havoc on your emotions and sometimes in a very inconvenient place (like in public at dinner). After the first few sessions we really saw improvements in the way we dealt with our emotions and how he dealt with helping me heal.

There are lots of blogs and vids out there directly from couples recovering from affairs. Here are some I thought was helpful but at the same time try not to keep reading for too long. I stopped reading these for about four months to help understand why he did this and how to feel better but once the why questions have stopped, I didn't need it anymore otherwise you run into stewing territory. There are also good posts for the cheater from an ex-cheater as well (less condemning I think). If either of you have any questions, you can email them and they are really helpful.

www.youtube.com/channel/UCeneINV1yWUhjo1xCjz099Q
beyondaffairs.com/
www.emotionalaffair.org/

The other woman is a separate issue. My DH also had an affair with someone at work and she knew he was married (I know this because I've seen their texts). I found it really hard to ignore her because I firmly believe she is at fault for her part. Ignore those people that think the mistress/manstress shouldn't be slut shamed but in my opinion, if they knew the other was taken they are also at fault, no question. Anyway, your recovery and the recovery of your relationship has nothing to do with her. She was convenient and easy but not the symptom because he was the only symptom. The less she is the focus of recovery the less significant she becomes in both your lives and that is who she is... insignificant. (no I'm not bitter at all...)

Part of his commitment to recovery he has to be the one to distance himself. He deletes her phone number and email addresses, all texts, pictures, social media (Linkedin and Facebook in particular), personal emails and he should show you that it is all gone. There should be nothing to hide now. He has to understand if he is keeping any secrets that doesn't help you in any way. He can no longer use the I'm trying to protect you that's why I didn't tell you as an excuse because it will now be suspicious.

When there is a difficult decision I give my DH the obvious options to chose from and tell him why one makes you happy and why the other doesn't. You too have to be as honest as you can to him about your feelings. Even if you're not sure what exactly what your feelings are just say that. I do find that giving him clear choices helps him understand where you stand and he doesn't need to guess. Sometimes be prepared that he won't make the choice you want and may change last minute because although you may think it is a simple choice (like duh choose the one that makes my wife happy) like not going to a party when she will be there, you will need to remember he is also going through a breakup (no sympathy there but that's the painful truth) and he is going through a thought process weighing up multiple decisions at once. eg if I go, my wife will be upset, but if I don't go people will ask why I'm not there and I'll have to make up an excuse, but if I go, she will be there and I'm too ashamed of what I have done, but if I don't go, people may find out what happened and gossip, but if I go what do I do when I see her and if I speak to her do I tell my wife, and if I don't go my wife will be relieved, etc. I tried not to pick a fight with him and let him choose because you have given him exactly how you feel about each option and if he chooses the one that makes you unhappy because of his ego and if (remember if) something happens he has no reason to blame anyone else but himself. But ultimately, he will be happy he made the right decision himself and not forced because if he was forced to do something it won't feel right to him no matter if it was the right one or not (if that makes sense).

At the end of the day, it is a tough choice to stay or to leave particularly when you will be feeling so many emotions and decisions at the same time. There will be a clarity moment that the decision you make will give you the most peace you have felt in a long time. As I write this, although it is still a little painful and I have very few bad moments, I believe I have made the right choice to stay and I don't feel like a mug for staying. I am really thankful for that because TBH we are in a much better place than before the affair. We are both more attuned emotionally, we are more open and honest with each other, we make special effort to take time out for each other and we say what we mean.

I hope this helps a little. Please take care of yourself. This is a really tough time and can be very confusing at times but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it can be a long tunnel no matter what you choose.

Hello how are you? sending you hugs and hope you have made the right choices for yourself xx