Ostracised in new mums group

[ReggaeIrish]

Hey, this is my first ever post on a forum and I’m not sure if this is the right section, but hopefully someone will respond and give me some advice.

I’m a mum to be who’s little one is due any day now! Though my pregnancy has gone well, I struggled to balance the stresses of work and all the hormonal changes that I was going through. Though I have a loving partner I’ve felt quite alone in having friends to talk to about how I was feeling and my hopes/anxieties over the pregnancy and what to expect, as my few friends have older children or are not at this stage in their lives. At around 23weeks I found an antenatal yoga class and thought I’d finally found a place where I could meet other mums to be and find someone who could relate to what I was going through. As the weeks went by it became apparent that a few of us were all due around the same time and a Whatsapp group was formed. Initially all was going well, with everyone posting general messages of how excited they were for their baby to arrive or if they had had a bit of a hormonal day. Then one night, when I was feeling a bit low I posted a message that I though I was excited to met my baby, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by the thought that this new person would be in my life and the responsibility that came with it. There was a deafening silence from the group on this and since then I’ve had a feeling of being ignored whenever I post a message or comment on someone else’s message. It’s left me feeling ostracised and hurt; wondering what I’ve done wrong? Was it to admit to my anxieties over the arrival of my baby??

I’m quite a shy person and would love to meet new people especially as I’m about to become a new Mum and have people I can speak with and relate to. I’m wondering if I should say something to these ladies or just accept that they don’t want to know me and stop all contact with them?? But then I worry if I’ll find other mums that I could befriend and learn from or if I’ll just have to muddle through all this on my own.

Thanks to anyone who responds to me and can help me work out what to do x

They're not the kind of friends you want if they'll judge you and ignore you because you were honest about basically being scared of becoming a mum. Which is perfectly normal! You're about to bring an actual human being in to the world. One who will rely completely on you for many years. It is overwhelming. It's weird that they've acted this way, maybe they don't want to admit they feel it too?

I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way. How many are in the group?
Would you have the confidence to call them out on their response or rather lack of?
If not I’d treat it as a close call and be grateful that you’ve seen their true colours before your little one is born.
I’ve found some groups/cliques can go into overdrive with comparing and competing in the mothering stakes!
You don’t need to feel this way at such a lovely time in your life. If you get this response from sharing a completely normal worry then I would not class them as friends therefore don’t give them another thought.

It was probably a bit too soon in the friendship to speak about such feelings. They might have felt quite awkward and now don't know what to say or want to have that level of friendship with you yet.

I know if l had just met someone and they started talking about that l would back off as it would be too "deep" for me at that stage

Also be reassured that you will come across lots of new mums that you will get on with and who don’t act like your yoga group.
Equally there will be plenty who you have nothing in common with (apart from having had a baby) and who act like they are the leading authority on everything and make out that they are perfect.

Please don’t let this nasty bunch out you off any future groups/clubs.

You were being honest about a totally normal worry. To my mind there is never a wrong time to be honest, and if these women can't handle that that's not your problem. You are at the very start of a long journey, and along the way will meet people who appreciate your candour, trust me.
So, let it go if you can and don't obsess.

I am left unsure from your post about whether you are reading too much into their silence or not. I would say it is quite common on whatsapp groups to have no replies (sort of along the lines of “if you don’t have anything useful to say in response, no point in responding”). Sometimes things are flashing up on my phone when I’m too busy to respond and then I forget. I think it is very different from if you’d all been sitting around face to face having a conversation, and they had obviously ignored you. They may not even realise they have done it and be mortified that you now feel ostracised. My advice would be to plough on with them and aim to build up stronger face to face relationships, and then decide if any of them are positive forces in your life or not. Nothing to lose!

Oh thank you for all your responses It has been really useful to hear different view points on this, as it’s been bouncing round my head for a week now and making me feel self conscious and wondering if my thoughts/anxieties are beyond normal and that I need help.

I’d never thought that maybe I was being too honest, too soon for the group. I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe I’m reading too much into this.

Reading through your advice, whilst I wait for my little to arrive, I’ll try to communicate with the group and see how things go. But if it feels like the same things are happening, once my baba arrives, I’ll drift away from them and hopefully find other mums to talk to. I’m overdue now and I think my hospital’s policy is to induce before I reach 42 weeks. So got about a week to go for things to kick off naturally - eek!

Your worries are perfectly oral and ones I suffered with my entire pregnancy and it caused me a lot of heart ache not being able to express them.

I also expected all. My insecurities to vanish when I first held my little girl and was exceptionally grateful to a family member who said to me not to feel bad if that "rush of love" didn't come straight away. It didn't for me and probably took a few weeks to hit me as I was so scared about doing something wrong etc.

Be kind to yourself, ignore the nasty cows in that group and look for some good post natal groups. I find these much more supportive and have some amazing friends as a result.

Your worries are perfectly oral and ones I suffered with my entire pregnancy and it caused me a lot of heart ache not being able to express them.

I also expected all. My insecurities to vanish when I first held my little girl and was exceptionally grateful to a family member who said to me not to feel bad if that "rush of love" didn't come straight away. It didn't for me and probably took a few weeks to hit me as I was so scared about doing something wrong etc.

Be kind to yourself, ignore the nasty cows in that group and look for some good post natal groups. I find these much more supportive and have some amazing friends as a result.

If they just meet up for some chat and you're a newish group that's only really formed in the last few weeks, it could seem to them you're looking for emotional support that they may not have the resources to provide indefinitely.

That may sound harsh, I don't mean it to be, but the last thing I had emotional energy for near my due date were people I barely knew.

Mumsnet is a great place for stuff like this, there's do many people here you'll be able to find people who've gone though the same as you, at whatever stage.

I think a what's up group with people you hardly know isn't the right place for that kind of discussion tbh. It could be that they aren't sure what to say to you so deafening silence has ensued.

Try different groups. The first time I went to a toddler group with our AD it turned out to mainly be a group who had been together from an ante-natal class or something and wasn't the place for us (as was less than kindly pointed out) but I tried a few different ones til we found some that stuck. Good luck.

It could be that maybe you're reading a bit too much into this as you're all hormonal - it's ok to be a bit over sensitive when you're pregnant! Or maybe you touched a nerve with them, or they did find it too personal when they don't know you well.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Your worries are normal I'd be surprised if none of them had those thoughts at points too. It's hard making new mum friends.

I'm like you, my old friends all have older children and are past the younger baby stage. When I got pregnant I imagined that as all 3 of them were all SAHMS too id see them loads. I don't, they are at a different stage to me. My 19m old can't quite be left on her own to play like their 3/4/5 year olds, he gets knocked over/climbs on high stuff/ toys are too advanced him etc. So I don't spend much time with them at all because they all want to sit in the living room, drink coffee and chat while he kids play in the garden (for example) and I can't do that just yet.

Do you have any sort of 'bumps and babies' groups locally? We had one for expectant mums and mums of newborns which was good for meeting people. Also if not, when baby is born get out there to some baby groups and meet some other new mums. The groups aren't for babies benefit when they are tiny they are for you. I also did NCT antenatal classes which weren't the best for actual birth prep in hindsight but did mean I met a group of lovely women, who to this day I still keep in touch with and see every month. One of them is just about to have her second baby now!

It may be that they're not feeling the same way at the minute and weren't sure what to say.

I'm in a similar whatsapp group. After all our babies arrived, all the chat was generally positive and how everyone was loving being parents, despite being exhausted etc. I don't think anyone really wanted to admit they may not be feeling just as wonderful as it all sounded. Then one girl sent a message saying she was finding it all so hard, breastfeeding wasn't working out etc. That message was a huge relief to everyone and suddenly all the messages started about how others felt similar things. From that point I found the group much more supportive as we could all be much more honest about how we were feeling.

If you think you may form a bond with these people then I'd stick with it for now . They may well find it hugely supportive to have someone who can be honest about how they're feeling when the time comes that they're feeling the same way, and they'll be more inclined to open up at that point.

I would recommend joining the baby centre community (website) they have birth clubs so you can speak to people who are due around the same time as you and I personally have found it really helpful for sharing experiences.

community.babycentre.co.uk

Don’t worry once you have had your baby you will meet loads of mums at different things. I went to a baby massage group when my LO was 6 weeks old and made some nice friends.

I think it is hard to crack the genuine friendship thing. So I am all bright and breezy with real life people and put my genuine worries on here.

I get more from mn than real life at the moment. Sad but true.
I hope in time to meet friends that I can be truly myself with. I have plenty of work friends etc to keep me going.

Of course you are overwhelmed to have new baby.

It sounds like you went in too deep and too emotional with people you had only really just met, so it made them uncomfortable and they didn't know what to say.

I think now they're keeping their distance because they're worried you need emotional support and they just can't give that.

Op, I am very much like you, I am an open book and have always been this way.

Friends have come and gone over the years due to this, however the ones that have stuck around are great. Becoming a new mum is hard, and if these women aren't like you, then it's probably best this has happened now. Get yourself out and about once baby is here and you will soon meet new like minded people.

Apps like mush are great for meeting new mum's.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I think you are right that I naively expected too much from a group of women I hardly know, just because we’re all pregnant. It’s a steep learning curve I suppose.

I feel a lot calmer knowing that my thoughts are normal and am trusting/hoping in what you say about it coming good in the end. For now, need to focus on getting through the last days/week till little one arrives. Then I’ll get us out there to the groups in my area. Time for a bit of google research me thinks

Thank you all again for the support/advice; it’s really made me smile and not feel so alone!