Useless, binge drinking, but lovable husband..

[gnashalou]

At the end of my tether. I've been married for 2 years (together for 8) and we've got a 7 year old lad who is currently being supported by SENCO and we are awaiting a diagnosis for adhd/autism. I'm holding down a part time job and also self employed, he keeps flitting from crap paid job to crap paid job.

Now, during the week my husband is lovely. Bone idle but a bloke who's company I genuinely enjoy keeping. Weekend comes along and I can't stand him. He does nothing with our son, spends literally the whole weekend from Friday night until Sunday night sat on his chair in the kitchen listening to music, playing his online games (free, no money involved now...he used to spend about £100 every month on his game!) and binge drinking (if we're skint he will borrow money to drink). He gets through roughly 2-3 bottles of wine and about 25-30 cans of cider or beer every weekend. The whole time virtually ignoring me and my son (he periodically spends the odd 5 mins here and there winding me up and play fighting with our son, throughout the weekend). Days out or even a few hours out rarely happen. If I do anything with the little one it's either with my mum or by myself. If I work at the weekend I come home to a shit hole and despite my tough job as a carer for residents with late stage dementia, he barely says a word as I get home and start cleaning the house. It's like he doesn't even think of anyone other than himself!

In a nutshell, as a father he is loving but not the most hands on (to put it politely). As a husband he's not horrible or nasty but he's not attentive and never makes me feel special. He's a lazy twat! 😂 He's clearly got a problem with drink but I married a man who I knew was once a heroin addict. He's fought and beat what must be an awful addiction so should I be a bit more supportive of the fact he drinks heavily? It's not as if he's abusive when he drinks. Or is it time to leave? And yes, I have spoken to him about this before and he will listen but it is forgotten about within a few days.

Tell him not to drink for a month so you have the money for a deposit.

Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour & drinking ?

Maybe he doesn’t see it as a problem as you never say anything

Maybe give him a chance & tell him the drinking & gaming has to stop. If he doesn’t want to - he needs to go xx

Not her problem ?
How can you be so flippant?

If they split up they have to divide up all the joint assets. That's very much the OPs problem.

Op I don't know any easy solution to this situation. Does he realise what he stands to lose ?
I'm amazed you still love him but good on you. Where there's love there's hope , but unless he changes , it's not looking good.

It's not her problem if he uses having no where to go as an excuse not to leave, lunch.
If he can't afford it he can stop drinking and use that money to go rent somewhere.

I think you and your son would be much better off ( financially and emotionally ) without him. Especially your son, you'd have more time and money for him without your husband being a drain on you.

My brother is an alcoholic and I thank god that he didn't have children.

This is very sad and I really feel for you. But as others have rightly said, this is no life and not a healthy, happy family unit (in as much as any of us can be!) - and will be especially detrimental on your son. He doesn’t have to be a horrible, abusive person to make you realise it’s time to make a fundamental change though tbh I think his behaviour is pretty cruel - among other things, it’s neglectful. I hope you can do it. And perhaps if it was just you and your kid, and he had to make he effort to see him, he might be forced to at least be a better parent. I know all the advice is easier said than done but look to the long term - do you want to still be living like this in five, ten, twenty years time (assuming his lifestyle doesn’t start affecting his health...)? Best of luck, you sound like a good person and you deserve to be happy x

My DH used to binge drink over the weekend like that. I also had a fair few when I was a uni, but I grew up, got a job and we had kids. It took years before my DH stopped drinking so much, and when he gave up smoking nearly we very nearly split up.

Now it's years later, and on the surface tings are better, we both have decent incomes (we were quite poor when we were young) and he doesn't drink as much. But you know what, it's still sh*t. So we are finally splitting up. I probably should have left him years ago, but people don't leave until they are ready.

So I suggest you take a good long look at your relationship. If you feel that if he didn't binge drink and participated in family life, then great, you have the big talk with him. Tell him he has to make a choice - his family or the drink.

It’s absolutely her problem if, on being told op wants to split up he demands his rightful share of all assets. That’s the law.
And it can be a very big problem indeed.

OP I feel really sad for your son as all he will remember is a useless uninterested father who was always drunk.

Oh god lunch. How about instead of nit picking my post just give the op some useful post.

And calling it a problem may defer her from doing it. It might not actually be a problem just a hurdle.

He obviously has his charms; but charms are all they are, and in this case enhanced by drugs and alcohol. Trinkets to attract like a magpie to tin foil.

He's an addict, a minimum wage earner, a minimum doer who relies on you for the very substance of his existence. Been there!

I didn't give up but it's not any better now I'm a fucking nurse maid for an incompetent.

Let the authorities deal with him. If they're horrible in the beginning they're going to be horrible in the end.

I would post on whatever that financial website is - moneysavingexpert, is that it? And start another thread here in Legal matters about how to make your new life work.

Can you get more hours at work? Would your mum help with a deposit for a new place, if he won't leave?

TBH my experience is that many addicts have such terrible self-esteem and are half expecting life to collapse that he may leave with much less protest than you think. I know that's sad but for the sake of your son please do ask him to go. If he turns his life around after he's gone, fine, but he may well be someone who actually can't cope with the emotional demands of a relationship and even if it all looked good I would be very nervous about him moving back in.

In the meantime, write a record of what he does/doesn't do as a parent, in case he ever decides to go for more contact and you don't think it's safe. Write it on your phone and email it to yourself or something.

FFS whisky , I'm trying to be the voice of reason against the usual "kick him out - if he has nowhere to go it's not your problem " knee jerk shite you get on here so often . Bloody useless non advice.

Marriage confers massive legal rights. Dividing assets can be a HUGE problem

Get real

he has a choice, the swill or you. Tell him to make that choice.

And if chooses the swill - he's the one that leaves. Let him sleep in a gutter, perhaps that will make him realise the impact of his choice.

protect yourself and your son. Good luck.

ok, perhaps he has rights - he can fight for them from somewhere else. He needs to be removed.

I don't think this is something you can just accept. I could go into a lot of reasons why in detail, but I will just duplicate the posts of other people, so I'll focus on one point alone.

You are between a rock and a hard place. Separating, moving house, visitation rights, all of that. It's not something to handwave away. So you might decide not to rock the boat, and accept that you married a former heroin addict, and think of alcohol as an acceptable addiction.

Except, if you go down that route, that one isn't easy either. I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I don't know how far back it went, but certainly since I was 7, funnily enough, because that's when I remember realising that every evening she became... erratic and stopped being someone I could rely on. It was quite scary actually. It took me a fair few years to work out what the cause was, and that the condition had a name: "drunk", but I noticed what was going on. Boy, did I. I can remember having a nice day with her, and thinking "it'll be evening soon, and then she won't be like this any more". I dreaded evenings, and I had to make sure I asked her for advice or help with anything in the afternoon.

And at that point, she was not even violent. That didn't start up for another 5 years.

So, this will already be affecting your son. I know this will be hard to read, but I feel you need to have some feedback like this, before you can make an informed decision.

If you adopt a light-touch approach, alcohol abuse can have profound health effects. Everyone knows about liver damage, but it goes beyond that, because the life of someone with an alcohol dependency simply does not lend itself to 5 servings of fruit and veg a day, plus 30 mins of exercise.

Additionally, binge-drinking is a risk factor for many other conditions, from some cancers to alcohol related dementia.

You, and then your son, will be the ones picking up the pieces. It's no small thing.

My mother developed a lot of health conditions, and each one was linked to alcohol. She reacted to these by drinking more, if anything.

She died this year at just 57 and I spent my 31st birthday organising her funeral.

If you want to stay with him, you owe it to yourself to ask him to seek treatment. You cannot force him to get it- otherwise my mother would be here and sober- but if you don't ask, and you stay with him, you'll wonder what might have been, once the health issues start kicking in.

P.S. I mention alcohol-related dementia, because I am convinced my mother was showing signs of it, not because of your job.