Kids like each other, but mum doesn't seem to like me?

[MarklahMarklah]

Yes, it's playground stuff, but I'm trying to find a happy solution without anyone getting upset.

DD has a school friend, let's call her Emma. Emma and DD had been in the same after-school club for an activity which is how they got to know each other. They're in the same year group (Y2) at school and play together at break times/lunch times from time to time (they no longer do the same after school thing they met at).

DD has asked me if Emma can come over for a playdate. I have no issue with this. Emma seems a pleasant child, and lives reasonably nearby.

DD has asked Emma if she can come over, and Emma's mum had contacted me to say that Emma would love to, but has lots of after-school commitments, pretty much every night. I responded to say that DD is the same, isn't it funny how they have such busy social lives and perhaps if there was an evening/afternoon they were both finishing at the same time, then she'd like to come over then? Mum said she'd check the diary and let me know.

Several months passed and nothing. DD has asked me several times again and I explained that Emma was very busy.

DD bumped into Emma coming out of school about three weeks ago, with her Mum, so chased along after her to ask if she wanted to come over to play at some time. Emma's mum said to DD, "Sorry [name], we're just having a chat about something right now, give us a minute or two."
DD felt a little upset and came back to me and told me (I was near enough to hear anyway) so I said that perhaps Emma had had a busy day or was worried or upset about something, but we could talk to them in a few minutes. Mum and Emma then crossed the road to talk to someone else and basically ignored us.
DD asked why this had happened and I said that maybe they'd forgotten something.

I've asked DD if she and Emma have fallen out or if she's upset Emma and she's clear that there has been no upset or argument. DD generally gets on with other children fine, and if there's any ousting, she tends to be on the receiving end.

We bumped into Emma and her mum by chance on Thursday - they came out of a shop we were passing. Immediately Emma's mum said, "Sorry, can't stop, we need to get to [somewhere or other] before 4 o'clock", and practically dragged Emma down the road.
Emma was turning round and waving to my DD, saying "see you soon/love you" and everything indicating that the girls get on fine.

So, I get that for whatever reason, Emma's mum doesn't like me. We've been out in groups at social things and she tends to chat to other people, but beyond 'Hi' and 'Bye' doesn't talk to me. That's fine. We probably have nothing in common. She's not obliged to like me. However, I'm not sure why she appears to be against DD & Emma being friends? I suppose I just feel this is a little unfair on both children. When they met in the street the first thing they did was to run toward each other and hug.

How do I explain to DD tactfully and in age-appropriate language that for whatever reason Emma's mum doesn't seem to want to encourage this friendship?

I'd just say she is a great school friend.
Some families just don't do after school socialising.

It may not be to do with you. The mother might just be worrying how her child would cope/behave on a play date. She might not want to because she does not want to feel she has to reciprocate.

Oh, I'd just say they are probably too busy.

Sounds like she feels cornered by both you and your child

My take on this, is that it's nothing to do with the Mum disliking you, it's nothing personal.The family are just busy and don't encourage play dates.Emma probably has friends at home to play out with, after school activity friends, children within her family, so the Mum doesn't feel the need to add another child into the mix during their spare time.She probably feels embarrassed explaining this to you, so just brushes you off every time she's confronted.

Maybe she doesnt want to participate in playdates? Maybe she feels she cant reciprocate or whatever. Maybe she worries you want her to become a friend and this is the easiest way to avoid that? Maybe she has anxiety about her dd going to new places?

Trolls that was never an intention - the incidents I refer to have occurred within a six-month timeframe.

pondering maybe that is the case. It was the sudden almost running away down the road that struck me as a bit strange. We've done other playdates with other children and there never has been an obligation for anyone to reciprocate, but perhaps that is how she views it.

It sounds like she doesn't like the idea of her going round to people's houses. Some parents do worry a lot about this kind of thing. She could also be really shy so you shouldn't take it personally. I wouldn't ask for anymore playdates.
From another perspective, my son's friend's mum kept asking him to sleep at theirs without taking no for an answer. She wanted him every Thursday after school for tea, which would extend to a sleepover, then would extend to an entire weekend. Is it possible you have been a bit full on without realising it?

Maybe she knows from experience her kid is not good on playdates however much they may like the idea of them.
Maybe she doesn't like her kid going to other people's houses for some reason we may never know.
There are a lot of maybe's but you will never know unless you ask, however if you ask you will maybe make thinhs more awkward.
I would just leave it to them being friends at schiol, when they are older they can play out without the parents having to be involved.

At that age my DD was going through some pretty tough stuff and switching house every other weekend going to her dad's. She was a lovely girl generally but play dates were mostly completely beyond her. She didn't want to go to other people's houses or have other people in her home. Really couldn't explain at the time as neither she or I wanted to explain. I was equally non committal I might have done donext similar to the odd person who pushed it

The other mother is a mumsnetter and subscribes to the common view that any sort of social interaction is something to be avoided like the plague. Asking you child to come ato play and have tea after school is akin to asking you to donate a kidney.

Yes, I'm not intending to push it or ask the mum anything. Emma is a bit shyer than DD but has had playdates elsewhere (when Emma's mum hasn't had regular childcare in place).

Emma lives with both parents so it's not a case of switching houses, but absolutely there could be all manner of things going on that I'm not aware of (and that are not my business).

I'll just encourage DD to continue to make other friends as she carries on through school and hopefully she'll forget about asking Emma to come over.

Bertrand that is a possibility - to be honest I was intending to whip out a kidney whilst she was here - if she came! :)

You can't really second guess why someone isn't interested in getting your dc together. If you know your dc is generally well behaved, kind to friends - it's probably nothing to do with you.

It's a relief though when they do move onto somebody else, a bit more amenable.

Dd had a friend with a mum like this. She'd only invite her own friends round, who happened to have dc of a similar age. It was though she'd ticked a box for providing friends to come round, without the effort of having strangers round.

Maybe her house is a tip /dh a twat and is worried about having to host your dd in return. .

There are unfortunately annoying mums like this, that I know.
Ask her next time does she want to meet for a coffee; without the children see what happens.