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need opinions please

8 replies

mystery2308 · 17/09/2017 05:14

okay, so me and partner have a 2 month old baby, his absolutely wicked and i love him to bits, due to dad working 2-10pm Monday to Thursday then 6-2 Friday morning i do the night feed every night as well as having baby in the day time. on a Saturday its the only night i ask dad to do the night feed to help me out and let me get some sleep at baby gets up every 3 hours for food so time for myself is 0. he says yeah however when it comes to it because baby is always in his crib next to me in bed he moans and says well im not in the same room im still in the living room so because his in the bedroom and his already woken you up you should do it! obviousily this then leads to an arguement every Saturday night because he dont understand how hard it is doing a night feed every night. we're an amazing couple when were not argueing however last night when I asked him why he wasent getting up to feed baby ( on a Saturday night ) he shouted at me and said im selfish etc so baby was screaming as babies do whilst having his bum changed and he got angry with him and shouted at him which then made me about at dad because baby dont understand, anyway arguement escalated he said im self centred and dont care about anybody else and i don't deserve baby, this clearly made me very upset because I do everything for baby then he moaned at me for crying and said if i don't shutuo his going to punch me until I go to sleep and if i don't h3ll drag me out the room.
okay to anyone else this is a threat, however his necer once laid a finger on me or baby and i like to think he never would, however if something isnt going his way he gets really snappy and stressed easily. he then started falling asleepnwith little one after i just sat there quietly. so I said pass him to me if your falling asleep as we don't co sleep with baby unless the otherone is around to watch like a daytime nap etc, and he said little one dont want to come to me, obviousily baby cant talk and its just dad being nasty towards me but I don't know what to do now because it's all getting too much with dad! I love him to bits and as o said its only a Saturday evening early hours we fall out, id hate nothing more then baby having split parents too as me and dad both have split parents so we know what it's like. can someone help?
ive tried talking to dad about the situation but again as the convo dont go his way he just snaps so I've given up talking to him about it now. I need some advice because it's starting to really get me down and i don't want a negative impact on baby.

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 17/09/2017 05:52

OP, lot of abuse in relationships starts during pregnancy and/or after the birth of a child. Your DP is abusive. He may never have done it even said anything before but unfortunately he has now started on a slippery slope. The 'right' thing to do would be to take your baby and go to your mums or somewhere safe you can stay and to end this relationship on the back of being told you'd be 'punched to sleep'. Not many women are single minded enough to do this but you will be facing this problem time and again, for the rest of your life, and in front of your child (which is very damaging). So for both your sakes I would leave because you are very close to getting punched and starting down a much worse road than you can even imagine.

Please call women's aid or similar to chat this through.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 17/09/2017 05:55

You're not an amazing couple if he says things like this and threatens you. You're pretending to be an amazing couple. You need to keep yourself and your baby safe. I agree that you should try to find someone you can talk to and begin making plans to leave. He sounds really unsupportive and horrible.

PrimeraVez · 17/09/2017 06:03

OP I know you're probably feeling a bit overwhelmed and vulnerable given that you have a very young baby (I definitely did for ages after DS was born!) but please know that this is absolutely NOT normal, kind, loving behaviour from your DP. Even if you don't believe that you deserve better, then your little baby definitely does.

Please find someone in real life that you can confide in and please consider your response to his behaviour very carefully - it will only get worse.

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Spam88 · 17/09/2017 06:42

Jesus OP, that post took a very dark turn. He sounds awful and you really don't need to put up with being treated like that. Of course your baby loves you and needs you ❤️ No way would I want him alone with my baby if he's going to start shouting because of crying, and if he's making such violent threats towards you I'd worry what he might do to the baby. Honestly you need to leave. If you don't feel strong enough yet is there someone you could speak to to support you? You could speak to your HV if you didn't want to talk to family or friends about it. Keep you and your baby safe OP Flowers

JWrecks · 17/09/2017 08:28

then he moaned at me for crying and said if i don't shutuo his going to punch me until I go to sleep and if i don't h3ll drag me out the room.
okay to anyone else this is a threat, however his necer once laid a finger on me or baby and i like to think he never would

Oh, dear. I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but this is completely unacceptable, horrible, and clearly abusive. Those are very specific and extremely violent threats, and that is terrifying. NO man who loves his partner, no matter how stressed or angry or tired he is in the moment, says things like that to her. NO decent man shouts at his infant baby.

Abuse isn't always obvious hitting and screaming.

I cannot tell you how many women say the exact same things - he's never hit me therefore he can't possibly be abusing me. He is. Abuse is heartlessly berating you for crying because he has hurt you, neglecting you, shouting at you, making agreements and refusing to stick to them, happily allowing you to become over worked and over stressed and refusing to help out and then calling YOU selfish for it, and basically everything else you've said here.

Again, I know this is not what you want to hear, especially as you've just had a lovely new baby with this man, but you need to know that this kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable - completely.

I'm an abuse survivor, and red flags are FLYING up and exploding in the sky after reading your post. After what I went through, no man who ever even spoke to me or my child like that would be allowed back in my home, ever.

Greatstuffworks · 17/09/2017 10:16

*we're an amazing couple when were not argueing

he shouted at me and said im selfish etc

he got angry with him and shouted at him

he said im self centred and dont care about anybody else and i don't deserve baby,

If i don't shutuo his going to punch me until I go to sleep and if i don't h3ll drag me out the room.

his necer once laid a finger on me or baby and i like to think he never would,

if something isnt going his way he gets really snappy and stressed easily.

ive tried talking to dad about the situation but again as the convo dont go his way he just snaps*

Honestly one loving parent is better for your son than living like this. My ex was angry and abusive and I so wish I'd left years before I actually did. Please get help.

mystery2308 · 17/09/2017 10:29

thank you for all your replies, it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation i am going to speak to family about it as I dont feel like i can do this alone but honestly guys you have opened my eyes into what could potentially happen and maybe we arnt good together and my main priority is baby💙

OP posts:
JWrecks · 17/09/2017 21:37

It's so good to hear that, @mystery. This is an awful situation to be in at this time in your life, but it's good to hear that you can see what's happened. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, love. We are here for you if you need us. There are many survivors here who know exactly what you're going through, who have come out the other side stronger and better, who can hold your hand and help you through whatever you plan to do.

I'm very curious, if you don't mind sharing, how long have you been a couple and how long have you known 'D'P? And does he have form for this kind of talk, even just once or twice before?

I get the feeling from the things that he said that he knows exactly what he's doing. I fear that the man you met and fell in love with may be a mask, and that you've just met the real him. Even if he has never spoken to you like that before this incident, this man clearly has the propensity for great violence, not only toward a vulnerable woman who has only just given birth, but also toward a tiny, innocent, and helpless newborn baby. That is utterly reprehensible.

Abuse isn't always a lifetime of constant screaming and punching day in and day out, incessant terror, the inability to escape; it's not what you see in the films. In fact, I'd venture to say that it usually is not like that in most cases. Almost every victim I've ever spoken to says that their abusive partner was lovely when they weren't abusing. Mine was SO bloody lovely and good natured that it took witnessing him trying to fucking murder me before their very eyes for many people to believe me, even with cuts and bruises and scars all over my face and body all the time!

Abuse can be quite subtle, and the effects of emotional and psychological abuse (such as berating you for crying because he has hurt you, isolating you, ensuring you've zero time to yourself, threatening you, going from lovely to monstrous and back, and everything else you told us) can be just as damaging and long lasting as those of physical or "obvious" overt abuse.

You cannot, must not let this go on, for your own sake and for the sake of you tiny innocent baby. You CAN cope on your own, and you will do just fine - likely even better that you imagine. I know you think you can't, and it IS absolutely bloody terrifying, but there is plenty of help and support out there for women in our situations, and one day you will look back and thank yourself for getting out.

The best bit of advice I can give you is keep the thoughts of leaving close to your chest. Do not let on to him that anything is amiss, because if he finds out that you have plans to leave, it's possible he could become even more dangerous. Ring Women's Aid, a solicitor, your family, and whoever else you can while he is out of the house; don't even do it when he's in the other room and you think he can't hear! Keep your plans to yourself, go on as normal the best you can, and conduct all activities while he's out.

Look after yourself, love, and remember, we are here if ever you need us. Flowers

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