Husband

[Whatsitallfor]

Forgive the long message, I don't quite know where to begin. A bit of back story. Oh and I have been married for 5 years, two beautiful children however I have not been truly happy with him for over a year and a half (some times obviously but on the whole, we have not had a happy marriage.) We decided to renovate a house not long after we got married which was also the time I found out I was expecting dc 1. During pregnancy he was positively useless ( I was very I'll, ended up losing my job over pregnancy, lots of stress etc) anyway, all fine, however his behaviour and mood have been the things which get me down. He is understandably stressed about housing renovations ( not helped by the fact I have taken two years of maternity leave therefore leaving him as sole financial provider) however him and I have become so disconnected since we got married that it doesn't even feel like a marriage anymore. I took on full responsibility of the children and the house duties (no discussion, it just naturally happened that way) and he has project managed the whole house renovation (understandably stressful!) And we have reached a point where we are so close to finishing but several problems keep arising. For the past 6 month he has been using house renovations as an excuse for his mood and temper (again I understand ) but my feelings do not seem to factor in this whatsoever. I just don't think I love him anymore and I'm not even sure that things cam go back. I know, looking back, what has gone wrong. We never have time to ourselves, he has several very time consuming hobbies which take him away a lot. He is trying to do it all but doesn't quite see that he has lost me in the process. I began closing off to him when I got pregnant with dc 2 (I found this was easier than trying to explain problems, to which he would get annoyed and I would inevitably end up feeling like shit about the whole thing so I end up apologising to him!) I found it easier to cut my emotions off from him and that way I wouldn't get hurt. Now I think I've done this for so long and i cannot envisage getting back to where we once were. I sometimes think his behaviour towards me may be abusive, but then I know a lot of people have it worse than me! He could literally go for 2 weeks without saying a word to me, blame it on stress and how he still loves me and things would eventually get better. Problem is, I just don't think I believe him anymore. I know I'm waffling, I'm trying to sort my own feelings out. I remember times when it used to annoy me that he's be away for a whole day doing his hobby, now I actually look forward to it. I love it when it's just me and the kids. He is a good dad and the children adore him, I just don't think I do anymore. As a general rule he does not help out in the home but again, I have found that saying nothing is by far the easiest solution as I cannot be bothered to deal with one of his foul moods again. I guess I'm just wondering has anyone been in this situation before? I would love to make my marriage strong again but I don't know if I even have the energy to fight for it. (As far as he's concerned we are fine, any attempt I have made to talk to him about my concerns had been brushed off and I've been accused of making up problems that don't exist.) I should add that we don't argue, but he will and has refused to talk to me on occasion when he gets annoyed with things I've done or said. Would you continue to live this life? From the outside there is nothing wrong, family and friends all adore him so I'm just wondering if the problem is me. I think I'm so emotionally cut off from him I can't see clearly anymore. Thank you for reading this far! Any advice would be greatly received x

Really sorry that you are struggling so much. Have you thought about suggesting counselling or similar? I can see why you'd want to walk away and why you'd want to stay!

Sorry I'm not much use I just didn't want to read and run! I really hope you find a way to feel back on track and happy soon! (Also that someone with better advice comes along!)

Thank you for replying. I've tried talking to him countless times about everything but again it's me making issues out of things(!) I feel so cut off that things he does that woyld have annoyed me in the past just dont anymore. But on the flipside, things I used to love about him, i just don't love anymore . I tried asking him to go to the doctors about some anger issues I was co seemed about (taking stress and anger out on doors and windows) but he never did. (I'd like to add he has never laid a finger on myself or dc but a few times his angry outbursts have scared me) again, he chalks it up to stress, and I'm being dramatic if I suggest he needs help!

Can anyone help?

Hello OP. It sounds like you've had a massive breakdown of communication & that you have tried many times to resolve your issues but he isn't interested. He sounds quite controlling, he's got you where he wants you - at home with the kids, whilst he is free to pursue his career & hobbies. He can act how he likes because he always has an excuse to justify that behaviour. He doesn't want to change/make an effort which is what you need to get your marriage back on track. This behaviour has eroded your feelings for him. Do you have access to family money as well or does he control that too? What happens if you stand up to him?

I'm in a similar position myself OP. Friends think that my DH is wonderful as he is charm personified & cant do enough around them. Behind closed doors it's a different story. He's also been financially abusive & emotionally abusive in the past. I am currently also deciding what I want to do.

Is he bad tempered with his employer and wider family, too, or is he just an arse to you?

Sorry just realised I've given no decent advice there just a 'I feel your pain, my DH is similar' Hopefully someone will come along in a minute. Might we worth asking for this to be moved to relationships?

Thank you for the replies. We both have access to the money. Everything goes in together. He isn't controlling with money but I spend very little on myself as I feel too guilty. He earns almost 4 times as much as i do. I only work 2 days so i can be there for pickups etc.I have a strict budget every month for groceries etc. However he always has a way of making it seem like my fault if we have no money left at the end of the month. I'm a very guilty person anyway and I think he plays on that. I know I could stay with him, our lives are very seperate and it doesn't bother me. When things have been really bad he's sarcastically offered to move out (knowing full well it's not what I want) it seems he would rather run away from problems rather than face them head on. I'm just sick of hearing 'as soon as the house is finished...' it seems to be a running theme. He also blames the fact that he can't sleep on this and therefore he will lay in bed leaving me to deal with the kids and get them out the door in the morning. He never gets up on weekends either, only if he's going away for the day with his hobby. Again, I've stopped bringing it up as I know there's no point. Just feeling a bit like a doormat but lost the will to fight my corner. I think he may have a form of depression but when I bring anything up, he turns defensive and says I'm creating problems!

Oh OP I feel your pain too.
Similar story here. I kind of shut down my emotions towards my H so i wouldn't get hurt. He's a great dad etc, others are envious of our 'wonderful' family life. But I felt so dead inside towards him. The only help I can offer is this :-
So recently we had a huge discussion, argument , poured our hearts out, as though we had nothing to lose. It was make or break. I didn't care by then if it was over, but at the same time didn't want to go it alone or mess up the kids lovely lives, but i was prepared to, if it came to that.
We talked and told each other exactly how we felt and how it had got so bad, i dragged up things from 10 yrs,ago that still hurt and he was able to respond to everything. We weren't afraid of hurting each others feelings because what we had to say was important to us. But blimey it cleared the air it was gut wrenching and difficult at times to hear where we had let each other down or made mistakes, but it took away all the resentment and let us see clearly again the person we had married/ loved etc.
Things,have got better because instead of bottling things up we ( I) tell him straight out, " no that's wrong, or what are you thinking,or why are you doing that " etc.
It's by no means perfect but it's so much easier as we can communicate again.

I would urge you to blurt it all out. If the emotional wall you have built up around you is strong you can take what he has to say. If you can't do that definitely seek counseling. If you want your marriage to work then you have to face up to some kind of confrontation.
I hope you can sort things out. I'm glad i did.

Also stress and depression here too. It warps all sense of rationality and makes you take it out on your nearest and dearest, which then makes you resent them for their lack of support or their "weakness" .

@ticklady thank you for your response. It's comforting to hear of a similar experience. There's also an element of resentment here too. I scuppered with bad anxiety after dc 1 and again with dc 2. Was on antidepressants for both but I didn't feel I could tell dh the second time roudlnd as he was so unsupportuve the first time round. So I built up the wall and dealt with it myself. This is making me think I could be a single parent. The only thing scaring me is money, as I know I don't make a lot. I think I'd be scared to take the first step as I'm not sure he would fight to the same extent that I am willing to.