Socially awkward and want a friend :(

[TotsAwks]

So, my whole life I have had crippling social anxiety but towards the end of my 20s I felt I was beginning to get over the worst. I would still have the racing heart and get hot and sweaty at the thought of walking into a room full of people but I would force my self to do it and realised it was never actually that bad.
Fast forward to now. Mid thirties, just had a child, happy in every way but... I've no friends.
The anxiety and loneliness was creeping back in again to I wanted to nip it in the bud and so arranged a few mum and baby classes. I now have four classes a week but have not made one single friend. I attempt to talk to people, ask them a few Qs but it is never reciprocated and the conversation soon dries up. I am just out of a class there now and watched all the mum's happily chatting amongst themselves while I sat in silence beside another mum who was giving me nothing. I attempted to join in with the mum's to the other side but they just wanted to chat to each other.
Obviously something I'm doing comes across as weird or unappealing but I don't know what. What am I doing wrong?

The people who are chatting to each other are probably friends already, it's not about you as a person. There is this idea put about that you just need to go to groups and everyone will be your friend but life just doesn't work like that. At baby groups all you have in common is a baby, that's not much to go on.
I find that going to things you have specific interests in are much easier ways to meet people, so a book club, a political meet, a hobby class, something like that. Then you have a tangible thing in common with people and a real reason to speak to them and get to know them.

Good luck.

Makes sense but with breastfeeding a 2month old I doubt I'll get to anything any time soon. Maybe I have loads in common with these mum's but they don't give it the chance to find out!

Keep going to the groups and be approachable- smile say hi. Try and start conversations where you can with people, ask about their dcs general baby chit chat the more you do it the easier it will become and the next week it will be easier and so on.
You might not make life long friends at every group but I'm sure you'll make some :)
Once you've had a chat a few times maybe suggest a coffee after the baby class etc.
I made some lovely friends at baby massage I think we'd all have gone on our way but at the end of the last class one lady said shall we go out for coffee and cake now and nearly 5 years on we're still friends :)
Good luck op

I didn't make any friends with other mums until DD turned 2 but obviously others do make friends before this.

What started it for us was DD and other DC playing together and as we are following them around you just get talking. If I got a good vibe from someone I'd suggest a park date where you can get to know each other and go from there.

I also found it easier to talk to mums at parent participatiom groups (ballet/toddler sense) because conversatioin doesn't have to happen and so when it does it is less forced iyswim.

Don't over analyse yourself OP. PP is right in that often the mums happily chatting possibly were friends before group. And remember OP some people may be feeling exactly like you but perhaps too anxious to have a proper chat!

There is an app called Mush which connects you to mums. Check it out.

Try mummysocial. I've met a great friend on there and you all have one thing in common that you are looking to socialise! You may also have children the same age. I ever made any friends at groups and felt largely uncomfortable/judged.
I don't have the largest group of friends but I've made a really good friend through that. It's difficult because I felt I was going to pass on my lack of friends to my kids 😢

I think it really depends on the group and the area. I found that some groups facilitated chatting (like an art group) and getting to know people and some groups just didn't (stay and plays). When I moved to where I am now I went to a load of groups trying to recreate the vibe I had had in my previous town, where I felt I knew people to chat to, and ended up in tears because I just felt nobody was very open to talking. But then I found two groups which really worked for me. One was NCT-led, and involved people taking it in turns to host a coffee morning - you didn't have to be a member of the NCT and you didn't have to host until you were comfortable - if there's anything like that near you I recommend it. It sounds like the worst thing ever, going round someone's house you don't know, but I found it much more conducive to making friends because if someone is hosting you they kind of have to talk to you!

Whereabouts do you live? I will be your friend if you randomly happen to live near me!

I've got as far as swapping numbers with someone but we haven't texted yet
Pp is right, since DD turned 2 conversation has stepped up a bit. I'm still awkward though.

Once your child is at school, you will find that whoever your child is friends with, that mum will zoom in to be your friend.
Another tip, council run groups are better for socially awkward people e.g groups run by libraries and sure start (does that still exist?). Groups in churches etc can be cliquey and reinforce you lack of self esteem.

Once your child is at school, you will find that whoever your child is friends with, that mum will zoom in to be your friend

Sorry but I think thats a really daft thing to say to someone, especially because you probably won't find that at all.

I'm extremely socially awkward! To the point I can joke about it to people that know me well but secretly went to the dr a few months ago and he ended up putting me on beta blockers as I was so upset about it all.

Everything was just such a "struggle" and I mean from going to Asda To walking into the playground. I did it all but I felt I was playing the part of a normal person if you know what I mean.

Since then I've been taking baby steps and feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'm a newbie at a school where everyone knows everyone else but today I actually stood with some mums and had a little chat (yay me!!) I honestly feel like having wine tonight to celebrate.

Thanks for the wise words everyone.
I will try Mush and Mummysocial and persist with current classes.
There is an NCT class nearby which I haven't tried yet, I suppose another one would do no harm!
I'm in NI, are we a match?!
Suefromkent, I think we are the same person! So glad you are making progress, I'd be celebrating too!!

I found mums and toddlers with my last child (now 17 years old) very cliquey and groups and it was only when another mum came who I knew from secondary school that I found a friend so to speak.

Totsawks I'm in NI, where abouts are you? I live close to George Best airport (have name changed for this as my previous name has personal stuff incase someone starts reading and recognising me )

Coffeelover, South Belfast here. I've name changed too, god forbid someone in real life finds out I'm lonely!

I'm using the app but can't work out how to pm if you're interested we could meet up for a coffee one day? My children are older than yours (youngest just started primary) but we are around the same age I think.

Thank you so much for the kind offer but the idea of meeting someone who is aware of my anxieties totally mortifies me, I honesty don't think I could. Would I really rather sit in the house by myself, sad and lonely, than let my true emotions show? Yep, totally

No problem I totally understand. If you ever change your mind just drop me a PM.