Trying to understand where my husband is coming from

[MrsAJO2014]

I know it's difficult for dads-to-be to feel included in a pregnancy, as everyone is always asking how the baby and the mother are doing and the pregnancy is completely out of the man's control. However, at 31wks pregnant I'm a little concerned about my husband and the bonding (or lack thereof) that I'm witnessing currently.

This is our first child and I'm being induced at 38 weeks due to gestational diabetes (unless the baby comes earlier) which means we have 7wks left.

We are of course very excited and nervous about this impending life-changing event and have been slowly but surely preparing for it. I just can't help but notice his willingness to bond with the baby and involve himself in the pregnancy has lessened over recent weeks - is this normal?

He used to talk to the bump, not much but he'd say good morning and goodnight to it, tell it we love it and can't wait to meet our baby - he'd even greet it when he came home from work and ask how I'm feeling etc, which was really sweet, but recently it's been practically non-existent - other than cuddling me at night and feeling the baby kick.

Despite having a wonderful pregnancy symptoms wise, we've had a lot of complications and stress with every test coming back with an issue. Yet with all my appointments (other than my scans) he's been more than happy for me to go by myself or with my mum. I mentioned that my next consultant appointment is next week in the evening and if he wanted to come then he'd need to leave work an hour early. He's keen to come, which is great, but instead of working a shorter lunch he's booked the afternoon off - some may say "what's to complain about", I'm not complaining as such but he had one full week of leave left that he was going to take in January to be with us at home and now (because he couldn't be bothered or didn't want to arrange to work a slightly shorter lunch for a few days) he won't have that full week in January.

So he's taken the easy way out, the way that disrupts his life the least rather than the most beneficial route. That, combined with the apparent 'stepping away' from bonding with our unborn child, makes me wonder what to do. How is he going to accommodate such a huge change that's coming into our lives in under two months if he can't even change his routine to take a shorter lunch break??

I realise that I could be reading farrrrrrrrr too much into things and appreciate that my hormones are all over the place but does anyone have any gentle pointers/experience with this? I'm a very patient person, but I am starting to get a bit concerned and want to know what I can do/try to help..

Thanks in advance for your advice, tips and support

By the way, that's supposed to be a flower emoji, not sure why it's come out as a bottle of gin?!

Perhaps if you've had health scares with the baby he is anxious and doesn't want to invest emotionally until baby arrives safely?

I think you need to talk to him and say pretty much what you have said here. I agree that it might be emotional distancing because he fears something might go wrong, but you need him and it isn't fair for you to deal with things alone.

Could be... But how can I help him with that?

I have tried talking you in but he just says everything is fine and he's feeling fine about it all - I can't help feeling he's holding back/not telling me everything

Honestly I don't see the problem. He's only lost a single afternoon - that won't make much difference to his week off. It sounds like he's bonding fine with bump and tbh there isn't really much for a man to bond with pre-birth - it's all pretty theoretical to them. Feeling kicks and generally being excited sounds like plenty.

I don't really see that there's anything here to raise tbh. You can tell him you're a bit upset he's used up an afternoon, but he's doing it because you asked him to come to an appointment, not because he's going drinking with the lads, and he's hardly ignoring the pregnancy. It really doesn't scream "won't change his life for the baby" to me.

Maybe he can't be sure he'd get away early by taking a short lunch, so to make sure he's taken the afternoon off.

Talk to him about how you feel, but I don't think (on the basis of what you've posted) there's an issue.

Is anything else going on (at work maybe) that you think he could be worried about and not saying?
If not, just see how things go when the baby gets here. For lots of men, it isn't real until there is a baby. I think you are right to get him to go to scans etc instead of your mum. Involving him from the start will help him bond with the baby.

I mean this gently but I think you are being a bit hard on him. He's excited, he's supportive, he's invested yet you are nit picking over details.

It's possible he's apprehensive about the birth as it draws near but doesn't want to say that to you in case you start to worry.

I agree with a PP there's not much for men to do at this stage and the whole talking to the bump thing is not for everyone.

Wait and see what he's like when the baby's here.

I did say that I realise I'm probably reading far too much into things.. Thanks for the comments so far, perspective and hindsight are wonderful things - as is a bit of a rant on here (!) so thank you

Rightly or wrongly, some people do find it difficult to imagine a baby when their partner is pregnant. It isn't as real yet, as it is to you. If you have had lots of stress and health problems then it isn't really surprising that he is in self-preservation mode. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. Far from it. It means he is pretty worried about youand about the baby. Sometimes it is easier to cope with those feelings by being more distant.
As for the afternoon off. Well, he probably didn't think as far ahead as January. Especially if the concept of this pregnancy actually producing a baby is still an abstract concept to him. He wl have heard yiurndisappointment st him not attending other appointments and has made a grander gesture this time.
My dh was quite similar and is the most doting dad. He just couldn't let himself believe everything was going to be ok.

I think you're being a bit hard on him - I don't think I was even as involved in my own pregnancy as you're expecting him to be! But we are both now very happy and involved with our newborn.

I think it is quite normal to attend all your midwife appointments alone, I did and most of the women I saw there did. Scans obviously a bit different. Think of his annual leave if he started coming to all appointments.

I found it very difficult to bond with a foetus while I was pregnant. I don't think it has any effect on how I feel about the baby, perhaps your husband is like this?

I understand OP. At the moment you are carrying 100% responsibility for your baby. He seems unaware. It's very common with dads to be. It seems blindingly obvious to me that he has wasted half a day leave when he could have flexitimed and it would annoy me.

As an alternative view, I'd be pretty damn annoyed if my husband proposed to micromanage my use of my leave to that degree. I know my job, how it works, and why and when I want to take leave, thanks. Perhaps he has other plans for that day and/or just doesn't want to be stressed/rushed/late.

I agree with Pp that you want him to be more involved in your pregnancy than i am in my own! And midwife appointments are boring and really don't require the dad imo. I don't see any sense in the dad coming to anything but the scans, unless you're expecting important results at the appointment. I did/am doing my appointments alone apart from the major scans in both my last and current pregnancy.

Honestly to me it sounds like he is trying really hard to show you that he cares about YOU and is there for you during the pregnancy, but he doesn't have more than an abstract conception of the baby yet, which is totally normal. I had a physical connection with the baby in my first pregnancy, but only a fairly abstract idea of what a baby was really LIKE. For both of us the real attachment came after birth.

Tbh most men don't grasp the concept of parenthood and having a baby until they have one in their arms!
My dh had never even held a baby til we had ds.
He was a natural. .
I went back to work and he is a sahd!!
Give him a chance and let your blood pressure come down!!