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Original poster

Spouse won't relocate for my career opportunity

14 replies

Ryan3140 · 12/09/2017 13:28

Hello everyone. I'm looking for honest opinions on what I should do in my current situation.

I currently work from home for the company I work for doing sales. Come to find out I am very good at my job and quickly became #1 in sales for the company. I am now looking at a huge opportunities within corporate which would require me to go into the office everyday therefore we would have to relocate. We are currently only 80 miles from corporate so it really wouldn't be that big of a move. Keep in mind my job also provides all of our insurance benefits and I'm the bread winner.

My wife is not for relocating at all! Her reasonings are she doesn't want to move far away from her family, we currently just live a few miles from them. She also loves the school our daughter, she's in first grade, goes too and doesn't want to change schools. Granted the school is a great school but I'll get to more on that in a second.

My point of view is her family doesn't pay our bills so that shouldn't dictate our families opportunities. Besides we would only be 2 hours away, not like we are moving out of state. Also the school in the city we would be moving too Is ranked the 10th safest school and the 25th best teachers in the state. The school she is currently going to doesn't come close to that.

My wife did come up with a comprise to where we won't be too far from her family, 20 miles or so, and we can still drive our daughter to that same school. This, however, would require me to commute 120 miles a day to and from work. Most people don't do that in a week! I plan on retiring from this company, I am still fairly young, so this is something that I would have to do everyday for many years to come. Also to note my wife has been talking about leaving her job so her quiting her job to relocate wouldn't be an issue.

So please, what's your honest opinion on what I should do? It's a tough situation. I can see my wife's point of view but I feel mine out weighs hers, but I could be being biased. That's why I'm asking for advice. Thanks!

OP posts:

WeeMadArthur · 12/09/2017 13:32

Why does your point of view outweigh hers? Because you earn the money?

Velvian · 12/09/2017 13:32

I think maybe you are believing your own hype. Get your feet back on the ground before you & your wife make any decisions.

DottyBlue2 · 12/09/2017 13:37

My DH did this to our family three years ago. It was the worst thing to happen to our family EVER. We haven't settled, we have no friends nor family around us and my marriage is under severe strain. DH has a higher salary but our outgoings are more so we actually have less money.

Be careful what you wish for.

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DottyBlue2 · 12/09/2017 13:42

It's only 60 miles each way. My DH still has to travel 90 miles each way and it takes him 2 hours each way. That's 180 miles and 4 hours a day.

I couldn't get DC into the local schools so my school run is 18 miles. Each way. 18 x 4 journeys.

120 miles a day is normal.

Velvian · 12/09/2017 13:42

Employers do that thing of hyping you btw, as the want to use you for their own ends & put your family's wellbeing 2nd. Are you sure your wife leaving her job "isn't an issue" or is it just wishful thinking, because she sometimes moans about work? Your salary doesn't make you more important & i would guess that she has already made career sacrifices for your family.

Heathen4Hire · 12/09/2017 13:43

Many colleagues with whom I work live 80-90 miles away. No biggie.

I know someone who moved away from her family on the whim of her husband and they are now divorcing because she was so unhappy.

You seem very derogatory towards your wife's family. They may not offer monetary support but they are invaluable to your wife emotionally.

You place a lot of weight on your happiness and success (and therefore, money) and don't care much for your wife's aspirations.

Sorry to be negative but you should think very carefully about your next move.

flapjackfairy · 12/09/2017 13:44

You will get a roasting just because you are the man in this situation so be prepared.
Personally i can see both sides. Your wife wants to maintain links with her family and friends and perhaps those things are more important to her than more money. On the other hand it is understandable that you want to take this opportunity and i can see where you are coming from . When i was a child my father kept moving us around the country every time he got promoted. He felt that a better house and income was the most important thing for his family. I feel all the moves were damaging to us children and therefore i have taken a completely different path with my own family. Just something to think about.
It is worth considering the wider picture and seeing if there is a better compromise you can reach . Could you work away a few nights in the week for example .?
Anyway i hope you find a way to resolve it

YorkieDorkie · 12/09/2017 13:52

If my DH felt his opinion outweighed mine because of money then that would tell me an awful lot about him. Your family doesn't want to move. You can't make them.

PragmaticWench · 12/09/2017 13:55

My DH drives 125 miles EACH WAY, three days a week to get to work, plus a train journey another day and one long day working at home. Seriously, it's what people do for work.

You could investigate staying near work for a night or two if you can't cope with driving?

Your increased income compared to your wife's income does not make you more important.

Original poster

Ryan3140 · 12/09/2017 13:55

Just to clear some things up. My wife is actively seeking other employment, she is literally fed up with her job. Even now living close to her family we only see them once maybe twice per month. So that's why I don't see the significance. We can always visit them on the weekends. Driving 120 miles a day doesn't entertain me because by the time I will get home kids will already be in bed, so no family time for me what's so ever during the week. And the advancement just isn't about me and money. My wife and I are both tired of living paycheck to paycheck and this will provide enough income for our family to actually start having a savings and investments.

OP posts:

PineappleScrunchie · 12/09/2017 13:59

Are you in the US? If so, I guess you can't compromise and move 20mins closer to work and commute (so your dd could stay at the school) because that would still be in a different school district.

I've moved round the world for dh's career and now really value "home" and "family". I think if I wasn't 100% on board it would probably have ended our marriage. Resenting relocating somewhere is really negative for relationships. I'd really try to find a compromise.

DottyBlue2 · 12/09/2017 14:00

So if your wife is supporting you, what's the problem?

Tilapia · 12/09/2017 14:05

I think YANBU. What is your wife's solution? Does she want you to turn down this opportunity?

Aridane · 12/09/2017 14:11

120 miles a day is a biggie - well, it would be for me, especially with a young family. Is there any possibility as an interim measure of you having a place local to work to crash out during the week and spend extended weekends with your family (though I don't know if that just puts the issue in a holding pattern / defers the decision).

I think your DW is probably a bit unreasonable

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