regretting my abortion.

[spx1]

A few days ago I had an abortion, I was 7 weeks nearly 8.
I have been with my partner for a while (we're both 21, I'm a university student for another year, he's a professional rugby league player).
I have never been pregnant before, and we didn't really discuss it, as it was a shock to us both. But eventually we came to a choice that we was having an abortion. I always thought I would be a bad mother, and I wouldn't be able to cope. But, my heart and gut told me I didn't want to go through with it. I know i did, and it's my fault, but I was thinking about how it wouldn't work, were not ready & stable, there was more negatives than positives. But, It hasn't changed the way I feel.
My heart feels as though it's broke, I cried my eyes out during each step of the abortion. And I was in agony during it, but all I wanted to do was stop it, go back and change it all.
I want my baby back..
I am truly ashamed of myself, and I haven't been out of bed since. I cry myself to sleep and every so often, it's been so hard. & I regret my decision more than anything, my mum has said I need concealing but I'm not one to open up to a stranger. It was my first baby, and I will never get the baby back, I feel as though I hate myself & I don't want to be any where near my partner, I feel as though my life is slowly falling apart, from the biggest mistake I have ever made, I am truly heart broken, and I would do anything to go back. I over think the thought of, was my baby hurt during the process? Am I a mum now? Will it be in heaven? I have so many thoughts and feelings I just can't control.

You poor love. I really feel for you. You definitely should talk to someone. Nothing you can do now but learn from this experience.

how sad spx it sounds like you're really putting yourself through the mill and there is no need. It sounds like you made an educated decision about yours and your partners and any future childrens futures.

I understand it must be hard having to make a choice but i hope in time you will feel more comfortable with it.

Counselling is a great idea. If not there are threads like this on here often so i'm sure someone will be along soon who has been tjere and can chat.

Please don't be ashamed. You made a totally reasonable decision based on your feelings at the time, but it's also ok to realise afterwards that you don't feel how you thought you would. That doesn't make your decision wrong or make you a bad person.

Does your uni have a counselling service or can you speak to your gp? I think it would be good to talk it through with someone.

Didn't want to read and run. I've no experience of this but for what its worth raising children is hard work. I've found it difficult at times in my 30's, there's no way I would have coped at 21. Best wishes for the future and please try to access some counselling.

Please try not to beat yourself up about it. As others have said seek some counselling and tell someone how you are feeling. Is your partner being supportive?

You do need to speak to someone. You can't turn the clock back and you made your decision that was right for you.

Having a child would have changed you're whole life ahead - for you and the dad.

You are so young with so much to do before you have a family. Experience life. Enjoy the adventure - then you will be in a good position to have a child if you choose.

thank you all for the kind replies.
Counselling for me I a big thing, as I have found it very hard to speak to a family member & my partner. I am bitter towards my decision.
My partner is being supportive, but he also feels the same about the choice we made, that we rushed it & now it's a regret which makes me feel worse. But right now I can't bare to be around him, let him touch me or be any where close. It's so awful

try not to focus on what you wish you had done. As you already said it was the right decision at the time.

You have still experienced a loss though and you're allowed to feel that. University will definitely have counselling facilities.

I understand what you're saying about finding it difficult to talk but when it is someone you don't know and likely to never see again after treatment you may find yourself being more comfortable than expected and be happy to be honest with them.

I have had counselling numerous times for different things. Things i was ashamed and embarassed about but my counsellor put me at ease. Never judged me and helped me to.understand and own my feelings.

A counsellor isn't family or friends though. They are trained to listen and help you work through what you are feeling. You might just spend the hour bawling your eyes out - but you will feel better for it.

Bless you. You are full of hormones. You will feel better I promise. See the councillor.
You made the best decision you could at the time. It wasn't a baby it was some cells the size of a blueberry. Please don't beat yourself up about it. You will have a baby when you are ready to have one. Be kind to yourself OP X