Disowning my "Half" Sister. What should I do?

[WelshDragon95]

Ok so this is my first post on Mumsnet (Not even a mother or a female for that matter) But I thought getting advice from people who might have some insight would be better than getting myself into a situation that there is essentially no going back from.

Me and my sister were raised as Brother and Sister (We have a different father) when I was 14 I left the family home as my step-father (her biological father) had been abusing me verbally and physically from the age of 7. Although we are on ok-ish terms now and everything between us is fine issues have arisen with my mother and her parents (my grandparents who i happen to live with)

Last year we almost lost my Grandmother and she was in hospital for the best part of 3-4 months but during that time my Grandfather said a few things that really got a few people (Me and my mother mainly) really upset with him. I've moved on and chalked it down to him being under a lot of stress and having his own health issues to deal with. (As we all act a bit stupid under stress and have emotional out bursts) Yes he was in the wrong for saying some of the things that he did but it doesn't give my mother and my sister (who is 16) a right to talk about them negatively to me and around me and then to make out I am in the wrong for defending the people who I love and live with.

My Gran never really had much to do with my sister as the weekends were the time when I went with them and my sister went with her father's parents (As she labelled them "Her" Grandparents) but it doesn't mean she never loved her or cared about her as the recent events have reduced my nan to tears on some occasions. The latest being at the start of August this year before my sisters birthday. My nan always takes a card for her to have with money inside of it and when i text her to confirm it was ok to bring it over my sister stated that they didn't give a f##k about her and that they were rubbish and she doesn't care for them.

Now as i am extremely protective over the ones I love I flipped and told her that she was a brat and needed to change her attitude. this led to an argument between me and my mother and since then the only contact i have had with them until today when my sister and me exchanged exam results (in which she did better by a few marks and rubbed it in).

To me she is an extremely childish person and although she is a teenager (almost 18) i really do not want any contact with her. whenever i visit and stay a night with my mum so she can see me and we can catch up (which happens roughly 4 times a year if we're lucky maybe less) My sister gets extremely jealous and causes an argument as i have the attention when i am there. In all honesty i'd rather cut my ties and be done with it as she is driving a wedge between us and causing this friction by what she is saying and doing.

I know the backlash will be i might lose my mother in the process but surely as a parent she would want to resolve the issue instead of letting it continue. I love them both dearly but when it comes to them insulting my grandparents and thinking it is ok and justified to be that way then i need to draw the line and put my foot down.

Anyone have any advice on how I should deal with the situation?

(A bit more about my mother. She isn't the kind of person to forgive and forget or even to admit she is in the wrong. She tries to play the victim and act strong and can be extremely stubborn. She also denies me being abused and claims that i lied to escape and live with my grandparents)

You sound just as bad as her. Grow up the pair of you.

Gosh what drama.
This girl is 17 and has clearly hasnt always been on the receiving end if the best family treatment.
Step back from the whole situation there is no need to 'disown' in dramatic fashion causing issues for the whole family. Fine to say you thought she was rude then leave it. Don't add fuel to the flames, you need to be the adult.

Are your nan and your Gran the same person? If so why has this blown up again if your nan passed away last year- just the exam results?

Honestly, as you get older, it'll be easier to avoid your sister, and just see your mum, there's no need for any irreversible dramatic show downs.

Just distance yourself, and rise above it, in time you may have a better relationship with her.

It doesn't sound like either of you had a great childhood, there seems to be some rivalry, and jealousy, this will (hopefully) fade if you take a step back.

Try not to put your mum in a position of having to choose between her children, although I'm sorry she denies your abuse, that must be tough.

Is she 16 or nearly 18?

She has been the best treated out of us two as far as siblings in families go as I tend to not want any attention as i do honestly dislike it. I thought it was just because we've been living apart from one another for a long time and it's almost like an only child scenario.

To me she can get away with murder and my mum and step-dad don't seem to bat an eyelid. I will agree that as far as my grandparents go she hasn't had the same level of attention from them that I had and i do think that it is a shame. However, she should stop following what my mum and step-dad say about them or at least be decent enough to not do it to me or in my presence.

I love her and i honestly do but at times Disowning her seems to be the only option as she doesn't listen and has no respect or care for what I have to say and she does go out of her way to hurt me (or that's the way it comes across) Talking to her is no good as she only tries to play the victim and makes out like she is a victim and usually she brings up me "Leaving" as if I had a choice in the matter. I don't even think her "Opinions" are her own and she has just adopted what my mum and step-dad have to say about the situation.

@NoseyJosey She is nearly 18.

@Spottytop1 Same person and she almost passed away. I did state that in the first message x.

You're very childish. 'Disowning' your half sister publically is just about you wanting validation and attention from your family , it's not really about the way your sister behaves is it?

@stormytherabbit It actually isn't about me. I have asked for the advice of people on this site as I have never been in a situation like this and thought that some people here might be able to give me some insight into how to handle the situation. I'd rather a quite life without the drama however, I will disown her if she continues to treat me and my grandparents the way she does. and no i do not need validation or attention from my family as i have never been that way. If i get any form of attention from my mum then my sister has in the past and will get jealous because of it. I rarely see my mother face to face and she does tend to make a fuss of me as you would do with your own child. it's the things that my sister does that causes the friction and makes me want to cut ties from her. But just to clarify, I'd never disown her publicly as i'd keep my business to myself. (this being the exception as i thought i'd better get some other people's input on this as i am extremely unsure of what to do) If people asked or wanted to know i'd say we just do not speak anymore. But to reply to you in a simple manner YES it is about how she behaves and about how she acts.

ok

Brother and sister? Eh?

Stormy you're being very aggressive, why?

She got treated better out of the two of us ..... In your opinion op, I'm sure she would tell a different story, perceptions of childhood are rarely the same.

In any case, it doesn't sound like she'll stop with the drama, so you must, just detatch.... I don't want to listen to this, I'll have to leave if you carry on.... Then keep seeing her to a minimum.

I would say she did get treated better as she wasn't the one being smacked, choked and punched.

I would just keep a distance, people and relationships change, and it sounds like everyone has had a difficult time. Let her be, and hopefully you can move on and get perspective.

If it's any small consolation, in my experience some families have a perceived favourite. Not saying it's the norm, or acceptable, or even perceived accurately. The best advice is to stop focusing on this as it will never make you feel good, and only bring out your worst qualities, which perpetuates the cycle.

And abuse is never ok, but again she will perceive your abuse differently, and is not the perpetrator.

You need counselling and proper help. Disown I get a teenager ain't the solution

You do not need to publicly disown her or even call it that. Just keep your distance. Meet your mum out for a coffee or whatever,just the two of you. If you need to attend events together keep it simple and breezy. If she starts making comments about your grandparents, then excuse yourself and leave the room.

Your loyalty towards your grandparents is admirable and I'm sure it must be really conflicting and confusing to navigate the relationships with your sister and mum.

Probably looking into counselling is not a bad idea to try and make sense of your past,your life and your feelings.

No idea why posters are being so mean and full of excuses .

Actually they do have the right to talk negatively about people who have said terrible things about them.

Your sister is childish? Yes, because she is a child. What is your excuse?

Fuck me the air is thick with hostility tonight.

OP do you ever spend time with just your sister?

I don't know age gap but maybe your sister is unaware why you lived with grandparents.

Also she must notice difference in ur mums behaviour when you visit, was same when my sisters came back to visit it was like they could do know wrong. I should image she also feels rejected by not having much contact with grandparents you lived with. Perhaps she thinks you had it all in a sort of way. I would try spending time with sister and start talking about how each other feels.

If all fails then yes I would take a step back but I'm too old to be dealing with shit in my life anymore

@grandOlejukeofYork - I don't even think I am acting childish about the situation I just want my sister to get over herself and if she feels the way she does then to voice it to our grandparents face to face. the problem is they DO NOT communicate effectively with one another and I feel as if I am in between the conflict. My sister will go out of her to hurt me by insulting them and saying terrible things.

@IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes I never get a chance to spend time with her as we live very far apart so when we do see one another it's nice for the first hour or so and then she kicks up a fuss. I get her side of things as I'd be (and have been) extremely pissed off when me and my nan have argued and then someone such as my uncle and his kids visit and she acts like nothing is wrong. But surely that is an issue for my mum and sister to deal with as it's not my fault. The age gap is 5 years.

@RebelRogue Thank you. I did get counselling to make sense of it all back when i opened up about the abuse happening as the situation was rather similar to this back then and i blamed myself for it (Still do) as I already stated in this post there isn't any effective communication so i believe that is where the problem is with the entire situation. Thank you for your post and I can see why some people would flip my post wasn't exactly the nicest way of wording the situation.

@IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes Just to add on she does know the reason why I had to leave but due to my mother and step-father (her biological dad) it's almost as if she is brainwashed and believes that I wasn't abused so all 3 of them deny it ever happened despite the scars that he left on me.

@welshdragon. The denial of abuse alone would make me step back.

I would honestly sit down and look at what all positive relationships with them bring you does it outweigh all the shit?

I'm of an age where I can easily cut ties with people incl family, my younger self was like a dog with a bone that it mentally fucked me.

As to people saying she only 18 blah blah isn't a free excuse

I'm withdrawing from MN and just wanted to say that I hope you find the answers or are able to get support from here @welshdragon, please ignore the ones who failed to read about abuse you suffered and put you down.

I do admire you for having the strength to even face your mum & ur sisters father. My ex & his family abuse physically and mentally I was fucked up for along time I was so angry & bitter and wasted all my time & energy for hate I felt towards them.

Remember you deserve happiness. Good luck