WWYD - difficult relationship with MIL - coping strategies

[codswallopandbalderdash]

My MIL is coming for a visit at end of August and I am already dreading it. And she also expects us to go and visit her in Sept / October which I don't really want to do, but will for sake of DH and DC.

Anyway, I don't have much in common with MIL and over the years are relationship has become much more strained as I am well aware of how manipulative she is, and how unreasonable (takes huff if you don't agree with everything she says) and expects everything to be done her way (criticises my parenting style constantly / has opinions on everything and some of these aren't v nice imo).

She has said some v hurtful things to me in the past and has ridden roughshod over my feelings on a number of occasions and I am finding it v hard to spend time with her as a result. DH knows that she is 'difficult' but ultimately ends with 'she is my mother after all. What am I supposed to do'.

Anyway, I just want some coping strategies for when she is here and when I have to go to visit. DH tends to revert to sulky teenager and ignores her leaving me to entertain her. She is useless as a babysitter so can't go out and leave her in charge

WWYD to make it a bit easier? I want DH to take her out and about and me stay home but DH thinks this is rude

Nod and smile at her when she is yapping away.

Go out and let your dh entertain her.

Stand up to her?

Tell dh he needs to deal with her or you won't be in her company and won't give a flying fuck if you appear rude. . Him not standing by his dw getting treated shabbily is even ruder.

Spineless twonk. .

Do you think you might be being too polite and accommodating to her? Sometimes you have to snap back a bit, make it less comfortable for her to behave like that.

Personally, I wouldn't have her to stay. But since she is, I would arrange things to do which will help to dilute it.

Also, come up with some strategies such as:
Smile & nod.
Just watching.
Being utterly polite.
"Well, we're all different!"
"Oh really? That's interesting."
"Ouch!"
"I'm not sure what you mean. That sounds quite critical..."

Hope this helps.

Distance yourself. Be polite...but distant. Don't know how, but according to my Mum I became a different person when MIL was around. Don't think DM necessarily meant it in a good way, but it was needs must!

The answer is space. So go read in your room or go for a walk alone or slope off for a long bath. It doesn't matter that DH thinks it's rude. If he's hiding somewhere, just tell her where he is and slope off.

Be polite and do surface chit chat like you would someone in the playground.

Don't expect babysitting or any perks.

Also each time she's rude, give her a wide birth and tons of space. Be obvious with it. Your DH chooses to tolerate it but you don't have to.

My MIL is similar, and in the past I've sucked it up, and also minimised her. However, she needs to earn your respect, so take baby steps to stand up to her.
And shrug her comments off as if you don't care even if you do. She'll stop as soon as you realise you don't care.

Don't avoid behaviour that you think she disapproves of, do it more, then she will eventually realise that the complaining and judge is backfiring.

I've said to my DH after 15 years of mil behaviour that I will tolerate her but not like her. I am open to a better relationship with her but it's up to her and how she behaves toward me.

Basically, stand up for yourself by being quietly assertive and be true to yourself. She will then respect you.

Thanks everyone. This makes me feel much better. I feel such a bitch a lot of the time because I think I am a bad person because I don't like spending time with her and think that I am overreacting to the comments. I have told DH that I will not do anything to damage DC relationship with their grandma but it puts such a strain on our family when we see her. But good advice here .. thanks

I will not do anything to damage DC relationship with their grandma

It won't be you doing that. If she carries on, your DC will notice and is unlikely to like it.

I go through similar with DH's adult daughter. I find using her visits as a character building exercise works well.

Pretend you are on a training course or being tested on how you handle difficult people. Mentally keep score everytime you ignore or deflect her shit with a polite reply or a slick change of subject. It's handy to have a predetermined selection of replies and subject changers pre loaded into your brain before the little ball of hate arrives. Give yourself extra points if you can pull off puppy dog eyes and a head tilt.

As your DH tends to disappear and leave you with it, when he does appear, extra points can be had by dragging him into her horrible, nasty world. "DH, cuntychops was just saying xyz, isn't that interesting, what do you think?"

If you think you are about to drop your guard and she starts getting under your skin or you feel like you might react, find something "important" you have to do in the kitchen/bathroom/bedroom etc and have a well earned break. I always have something like soup slow cooking for hours that needs stirring every 15/20 minutes and I can extend these breaks by cleaning up imaginery spills and splatters from the pot. My kitchen ends up spotless during her visits so I give myself bonus points for being thankful that she's a contemptible human being.

When she leaves buy yourself something nice that reflects how well you done.

Very best of luck OP