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Original poster

Advice needed please, delicate situation (child bereavement)

22 replies

FatGirlWithChocolate · 21/07/2017 22:14

We have lovely friends, who tragically lost a baby to cancer last year. We will be seeing them later this year. I wanted to buy them both a piece of jewellery to memorialise the little one. I've thought long and hard about it. I really wanted to buy them something that they could wear, and look at, and know that it represented her, and her being with them and in their hearts always. Because of this my thought was to get them something personalized with each of their 3 names - so mum/baby/dad on each piece. Because they work with the public every single day I thought it would be best to have this engraved on the reverse of the piece. I thought then that no one could be repeatedly asking who the third name belonged to, avoiding the need for painful explanations. It also seemed more appropriate for a private act of remembrance. However, I'm now second guessing things and worrying that it might be taken as an insult if the little ones name isn't on the front. I desperately don't want to hurt them, but have no idea what would be best to do. I have never lost a child, so I can't imagine any of what they must be feeling. I'd welcome your advice, but please be gentle, as I really do mean well with this. Thank you very much.

OP posts:

Puffykins · 21/07/2017 22:16

If, say, the names are engraved on a disc, all on the same side, they can wear the disc facing in or out as they wish.

Puffykins · 21/07/2017 22:17

It's a really lovely idea incidentally. DS is currently being treated for cancer and I HUGELY appreciate people doing things like this.

SnowiestMountain · 21/07/2017 22:21

I don't know... it seems a bit intrusive somehow but that may just be me

otterlieriver · 21/07/2017 22:22

I wouldn't do this, sorry - its a bit intimate.

WhyNotDuckie · 21/07/2017 22:25

I think this sounds lovely, OP.

Puffykins · 21/07/2017 22:26

Before DS had cancer, I probably would have agreed with the posters who think it's intrusive. Now, on the other side, the greatest good that has come out of what is an awful period in our lives is the kindness and thoughtfulness of our friends. I appreciate everything, especially if it involves their thinking of DS. I think it's a great idea. I would appreciate it enormously.

MadameJosephine · 21/07/2017 22:26

I think people grieve and remember in their own unique ways and it seems a bit too personal a gift to me, sorry.

JennyOnAPlate · 21/07/2017 22:27

I think you should discuss it with them first op. It's a lovely thing to want to do but it's very personal.

Original poster

FatGirlWithChocolate · 21/07/2017 22:35

Thanks all. Not sure what I shall do now. Discussing beforehand wouldn't be an option though I'm afraid.

OP posts:

Bearwithverylittlebrain · 21/07/2017 22:36

I think it's a lovely idea. However, I personally would have found this difficult when I lost my baby daughter. I would have felt as if my choice to choose an item had been taken from me. Saying that, everybody grieves in different ways. You know the family and if you think they would appreciate it then follow your instincts. Whatever you decide, the fact you continue to support them is worth so much more.

Skyllo30 · 21/07/2017 22:38

The disc idea sounds ideal as it could be worn hidden or visible as a PP has suggested. Is there any symbol that relates to the child's name or nickname that could be engraved on the other side?

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 21/07/2017 22:38

My friend lost her baby at 19 weeks a few years ago. We got her a pandoras bracelet with the birthstone of the child. So no engravings but something to memorise. Perhaps something like that?

Heroicallylost · 21/07/2017 22:42

It's lovely of you to think of it but I agree intrusive. Grief is a very personal experience, and what's helpful to one person will not be to another. I've really struggled with people doing 'nice' things that actually dictate how I should grieve following my husband's death.

The most helpful thing you can do for grieving people is to ask them how they are (e.g. don't say 'you must be feeling...', say 'how are you feeling?), ask them if there's anything you can do to help them practically, and ask them if they want to talk about it. And just be with them - offer your presence (don't force it on them).

There's no need for gifts etc. To me gifts feel more about people worrying about not knowing what to say and looking for a way to alieviate their guilt about that.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 21/07/2017 22:48

I think it's a lovely idea. My friend lost her dd and would have liked something like that.
Is it a bracelet with the names inside? It's quite normal to engrave something inside a bracelet so I think it would be lovely.

gingerbreadmam · 21/07/2017 22:49

is there something that reminds them of their daughter?

i think a name is a bit in your face. my son was stillborn and i opted for a tattoo but chose not to have his name or dob or anything too obvious as i would hate to have to answer questions about it all the time.

id also feel a bit silly having somethinh with my own name on it.

something a little less obvious or a memory would be better. Fairies (those fluffy ones that fly around in the summer) remind me of my son. I'd love anything with those on as it would mean people listen to me when i talk about him and think of him when they see them.

i did get my dp a stainless steel credit card with his foot print and a special msg after we lost him. that's quite nice as it's discreet yet with him always.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 21/07/2017 22:51

I bought my friend some plants, which were the same name as her dd. They will grow in the garden every year. Something like that may be nice.

Original poster

FatGirlWithChocolate · 21/07/2017 22:53

Yes, I had thought about either a necklace or bracelet for mum, and definitely a bracelet for dad, engraved on the inside, so only they would know it was there. My thought for the three names was just that it was them, as a family.

OP posts:

SpencerHastings · 21/07/2017 23:06

That is a very thoughtful idea. When my dad passed away a relative got me a necklace with a picture of him on the reverse, I probably wouldn't have chosen it myself but I love it and I was so moved and wear it every day, but everyone is different. If you do decide to go for it and wanted something subtle, you could get something with their 3 birthstones on, to most other people it looks like a nice piece with stones but obviously would have the meaning for them.

Justgivemesomepeace · 21/07/2017 23:16

I bought my friend a rose bush with the same name as her daughter. She seemed pleased. It's hard to know what the right thing is in these situations xx

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 21/07/2017 23:18

I think it's a lovely idea.

If they hate the jewellery for some reason, which I'm sure they won't, they can always put it in the back of a draw, but I think they'd still be so glad that you thought of such a lovely gesture.

Original poster

FatGirlWithChocolate · 01/09/2017 11:53

Just in case anyone is interested. I was very scared after the replies, but I went ahead and bought the jewellery. Two simple cord bracelets spelling out the little ones name in Morse code via silver beads (so no actual name visible, just looks like a very simple unisex beaded bracelet). We gave them to them and they seemed to love them. Lots of hugs and a few tears. They put them on straight away.

OP posts:

FizzPopping · 01/09/2017 18:42

That is a lovely gift, it's clear you had put a lot of thought into finding something suitable and I'm glad they liked them.

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