DD's hair

[nigelsbigface]

My dd2 is 10. She is tomboyish and hates anything girly.She is a fairly confident kid, with occasional wobbles,and likes to be a bit different.
About a year ago she asked if she could have her fairly long hair cut off as she really admired the hairstyle of a girl a few years above her in school, which was a sort of very short bob wit a shaved section at the side. hair looked really nice on the older kid but was a big change from dd's hair, so we agreed she would have her hair bobbed to see how she liked it. She did that and all fine, except stbexh expressed annoyance that he 'hadn't been consulted or involved in the decision' (which tbh I largely ignored as he had never, when we were together, taken much interest in how our girls did their hair, and what she had was a bob, not a Mohican).
A few months ago dd2 asked again for the more extreme hairstyle. She was desperate to get it done.I discussed it with her Dad, via text message as he was away somewhere.He wasn't happy and as such we agreed on a compromise which was that she would have a bit of an undercut on one side of her hair, to get used to the more extreme version she wanted-and if she still liked it in a few months time she could get the hair she wanted done. Stbexh was aware of this but after she had her hair done dd2 overheard him talking to his sister and slating me for being 'irresponsible' in letting her get her haircut that way.She was a bit upset by that, as was I, although I didn't mention it to stbexh, as I couldn't be bothered with the ensuing conversation about it.
Dd is booked for a hair cut this evening. She has printed lots of pictures of what she wants and we have talked about wether she is sure she wants it done. she does, and I am happy to let her do it (my view is it's her hair, and that if she hates it she has the summer to grow it out.I would Personally prefer her to have lovely long hair that I can plait and mess with-but she doesn't like that so I will have to content myself with dd1's hair instead ). stbexh is not supportive of this.He keeps saying he is a 'traditionalist' and has been a bit negative to her when discussing it, accusing her of 'wanting to do it for the wrong reasons and just to look different'. To me, if she wants to look different, and express her personality via her hair, that's actually a good thing.
It is quite an extreme hair cut for a 10 year old girl I suppose.
Would you let her get her hair cut as she wants? I think there will be repercussions from stbexh, if not in person, behind my back I would think. Plus is he right? Is 10 too young to choose your own hairstyle?

It's hair - it grows back and it's on her head, not his. I think your exH sounds very controlling, tbh, and trying to force your DD to be something she's not comfortable with. If she was dyeing it I could see his concern (my DD wanted to dip dye at a similar age and we said not yet on the advice of our hairdresser) but a haircut? Really wouldn't get exercised about it.

Agree, it's only hair and good for her for not being a sheep, no wonder he is your stbxh , how can he get so worked up about it! He does sound controlling, you can sit. Ack and watch the fireworks when she is s teen.

It's her hair, tell him to stick his traditionalist attitude where the sun don't shine!

I can't articulate my thoughts on this very well, but it seems like your ex feels his daughter's hair should be in a style that pleases him, so that chica said.

So what

Thanks all, (especially MotherVulva for her very insightful advice )
I guess I just needed a bit of reassurance. For various reasons the break up has been less amicable than it could have been... and stbexh has always been a bit better with words and getting his own way by stealth iyswim than I am...he seems to be making everything into either a low level argument or a competition between him and I for the dd's affection at the moment and sometimes it's hard to discern what the right path should be in terms of what actually happens with the dd's...He's very good at making me question myself without seeming to be, and always has been, but I'm only just seeing it clearly now.
I'm learning to ignore him and his reactions but it's quite hard when you've grown up with someone-we got together very young-to get out of the roles you once inhabited.

The hair will come off! (she will probably instantly regret it and then we will have to deal with that all summer )

Actually apologies MotherVulva-I red your last comment before your first and thought you had just responded 'so what' about the whole thread
Sorry!!!

Personally I would send him some proof pics of tattoos you have discussed with her just to bloody rile him!!
Her hair - her decision. . Be happy she wants your approval!! She ob doesn't feel she needs his - likely due to him being a top arse. .

I should've put an asterisk.

dd1 sounds jus like your dd!

Please encourage her to be herself.

My only comment is that some secondary schools don't liek shaved hair so if she is year 6, check their requirements and if she is year 5, go for it!

I agree with you and think your DD is old enough to decide on what hair she wants.

I will say though that you can get a great asymmetric undercut effect on longer hair by doing a close French plait on one side - my DD loves that style - edgy without the commitment of an actual cut

@FauxFox that's a great idea to try braid first ( or if school won't allow shaved!)

'Top arse' made me smile.
She is year 5.
She already has a bit of an undercut on one side, as a way to ease her (and her dad) in, and she always asks for a braid in the hair over The top of that to show it off a bit...
Hair cut is at 5... so if she still wants to go for it, so be it, and we can dealt with ramifications if any afterwards...
Thanks all. Was just having a wobble this morning and needed some reassurance...

Jauthadmyhaircut, Tattoos are probably next on her wish list but she can do that on her own time in another 8 years or so
We are going to a festival this year and she has been scouring Camden market (dragging anyone that will go with her), for 'looks', so god knows what she will appear as .She seems to favour punk as an inspiration, with a bit of grime attitude chucked in...she's obsessed with stormzy.

I like Indie music.I don't know where it all went wrong...(her dad seems to like folk rock these days-and tries to play it to her...maybe that's where it's all gone wrong actually -who wouldn't rebel against that?)

It's hair - it will grow. 😀

Can you post a pic? I'm intrigued! DD1 had her long hair cut short (donated to princess trust) and everyone says she's a boy
She's happy with it though!

Yes.

I had to bribed to even brush my hair at 10, why does she want such an extreme cut

That is, yes you should let her cut it (just noticed you asked other q's ) He's being completely unreasonable & will damage their relationship.

She is old enough to have the hairstyle she wants. I would say no if it was going to be permed or coloured, or needed 'product' or straightening.

Giving her a dad's idea of a haircut is not good for her sense of self-worth. (Been there and it still pees me off several decades longer because I ended up with a really shit haircut).

She had it done and she is very happy with it. Stbexh was actually there when it was being done as he had come to pick her up (she had it done at home).He had a face like thunder throughout and kept telling her she was very 'brave' to do it. Dd clocked his face and looked a bit upset and it started to irritate me that he kept saying she was 'brave'-brave how? it implied she was making an outlandish choice that might have bad ramifications. I later mentioned that he might want to be a bit more positive about it and about her fashion choices in future (not in front of dd) because for gods sake, he's already made her feel a tad rubbish about the whole thing and couldn't even bring himself to not look like he'd been slapped in the face for 20 minutes. He denied he had made her feel negative and was angry I hadn't told him she was upset by his reactions. (Which is what I was trying to do but he wouldn't accept it )
He did eventually manage to tell her she looked good however...
Exhausting
Anyway the main thing is she had it done and is happy with it.

To the pp who asked why she wanted it-she saw it on an older child at school and thought it looked good, and she hates long hair or anything girly-and likes to be a bit different I suppose... I'm pretty sure there is nothing sinister in it.

I can't put a picture of her but here is one of the model she liked the hair on-hers is a less extreme version

Her natural colour obvs, not dyed.

Love it!

I absolutely love that style! Fair play for your dd for knowing what she wants and for you supporting her decision.

I def think you've done the right thing. Your daughter will remember this.