Wwyd

[CharleyEmily]

This is going to very long, so I apologise in advance. Basically, I need someone to knock some sense into me.

I got married over two years ago, to someone who considered to be pretty perfect. He supported me in every way (except financially) and was my best friend. We got on brilliantly and were forever having a laugh and thoroughly enjoying each others company. My family and friends loved him too. I couldn't fault him, except an occasional temper in which things in the house would be broken, but this was only occasionally. I cannot emphasise how good we were together.

We had a good year of marriage, and then I discovered I was pregnant. He was very supportive during my pregnancy, but there were a couple of occasions when he became physically aggressive (pushing, shoving, pinning me to the wall). However he was very apologetic afterwards.

Roll on to when I had my child and had an extremely traumatic time of it (think nearly dead/no more children) and he frequently left me in hospital as 'he was not my slave'.

Four weeks later and me and baby were finally home. He spent little time with us as 'I was a nightmare' and constantly criticising him apparently. When he was with us, he was verbally and physically aggressive (including in front of baby), eventually this escalated to him grabbing me by the throat on multiple occasions. He eventually left reporting that I always wanted it to be just me and my baby.

Roll on about 14 months later and I still miss him and still giving him a chance to prove himself I have had awful texts from him and he's been a nasty piece of work on occasions. I've tried to encourage him to have a relationship with his child, but he has not. He sees him very occasionally, supervised by me for only a couple of hours at a time (his choice).

However, he went to his GP a year ago for depression and PTSD and he reports frequent flashbacks about nearly losing his wife.

Can his behaviour be linked to this? And could he go back to being the person I thought he was. Or should I accept that it's over and move on?

Our case went to MARAC, I've had HV and family practitioner support and I've also been forced to do the freedom project.

The freedom project has just confused me more, as he was always the 'good husband' and I cannot see any red flags (other than a temper) when I think back to our relationship.

I just don't know what to do. I miss him immensely, but don't want to risk being in an abusive relationship. But what if this was just a major blip because of what we went through?

You need to move on from him, op. You cannot ever trust him again. Move on and plan a happier future without a man that could likely kill you.

eventually this escalated to him grabbing me by the throat on multiple occasions

He will kill you. Unless he kills your child first.

Oh god, I've been so stupid haven't I? This is my one chance to have a family

My poor child.

I can't go NC can I?! I'll always have to be in 'some' form of contact with him. I feel so lost and so ashamed. How can I still love him so much?

You don't have to have direct contact, though. You could have contact though a third party (do you have a big beefy brother or feisty mother or similar?).

You can also control contact by eg only accepting messages to a particular email address and (1) having someone else monitor it and/or (2) not checking it often.

You love him like I love Jim Hathaway - you love a fictional character who happens to share a face with someone else completely different.

Thank you so much. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I know deep down I'm being stupid, it's just so disheartening that I saw someone so different.

I don't have anyone who could be in contact with him. My parents are very supportive, but doubt they'd want to be in the middle and I wouldn't expect them to be either.

Then would the separate email address be any use? It would mean you can shut him out 90%+ of the time and only catch up on his messages when you decide to.

I'm surprised he isn't restricted to supervised contact tbh. Were all the assaults unreported?

I have a separate email, but I still feel so emotionally involved that I can't help but check it frequently. I need to get a grip!!

Only one assault was reported and he was cautioned, but I wouldn't make a statement.

I think you can go NC. You should not feel guilty or though anything is your fault. Your child will have a better life without him being there all the time because if your child continued to witnessed this would cause them to experience trauma.

If he wants to see his child then it should be supervised at it is already, but to help you move on I think it would be a good idea for someone else to do it.

Are you sure you couldn't just ask your parents? By the sound of it, it's pretty rarely he actually sees your child

I also think you need to question whether your dd is safe to spend any time with a man that puts his hands around people's throats and i think you need to get some professional advice on that if he pushes for unsupervised contact.

He was always going to be physically violent, he's using your traumatic birth as an excuse. It started as breaking things, then emotional abuse when you were in the hospital then escalated to verbal and physical abuse.

This would have happened even if you didn't have a child.

Also, I would have no hesitation in going NC with him if you can't find a third party to deal with child access. Make sure you have all communication through e-mail or texts so you have proof of his abuse and threats, he will probably kick off when he knows you're taking a stand.

When you look back on the good happy times it is easy to look through rose tinted glasses and say he was lovely everything was wonderful etc etc. Just from what you've said it clearly wasn't lovely or perfect. It may well have been that he was good at selling you a lie, pretending to be a person who he wasn't really. The person who you thought you knew at the start was the illusion, the person who strangled you, hit you and sends you horrible abusive messages is the really person. Try and remember that.

I would imagine that you getting pregnant was not a planned thing, I would also guess that he is someone who likes to be the centre of attention and admiration. When you became pregnant you were no longer only thinking just of him you were starting to think about your baby and as natural as that is he couldn't stand it. He was always going to do this, no matter what you did. At some point he would have stopped being nice and the emotional abuse would have started with or without the baby.

It sounds like he's not bothered about the baby so it really would be best for both of you to go no contact as much as possible. If you haven't already had counselling I would recommend that you do that asap if you can as it will help you severe your emotional connection to him. Try and move on and leave him in your rear view mirror, you can still have a lovely family just not one with him included. You will hopefully in time meet someone new who will love you properly and your dc too.

I've kept a diary of what has happened, including plenty of texts and emails so I have lots of evidence.

I hadn't thought of counselling. I really need to sever any emotional attachment. I keep feeling like I've made my decision , and then I panic and that's when I miss him, so I want to talk to him. It really is a vicious cycle and I never in a million years thought I'd be in this position