Avoiding conflict drama at a wedding with sil and bil

[tomatosambo]

my sil has always been obsessed with my dd, at first my dh didnt see it just said everyones allowed to love dd. So i tried to pretend was ok when she kept taking him to change nappies and kept posting photos on fb and finally dh agreed she was a bit ott. then she met her h2b- she didnt like him and moaned he was weird to mil but he was rich and liked her so she didnt have to work.

she used to cause tension with me and mil because she just wanted to see dd all the time and judge my mothering skills then just show up with her husband she didnt like. they would always overcrowd my dd so i felt even i couldnt go play with her at playparks as already 2 adults all over her. she would always be like oh im your auntie lala and i love you most -all the time to dd and was jealous of how close i was to my family.

but then finally she had a baby!! but again she was weird. mil was always concerned altho she had desperately wanted her ds she would neglact all the time and carry on like before she had baby and leave baby with friends a lot and go on holiday without her ds. i really really tried during this time as thought had baby in common and that she was depressed but she would be v patronising to me and criticise my mothering skills.

bil was awful with child always shushing his son when he didnt make a sound and if was supposed to look after him put him in nursery, mil came to see him once and hadnt fed his ds all day!

then it got weirder their ds had injuries and social services took son. wont go into but me and dh were horrified.

they somehow got baby back. we were stunned but have kept our distance since incident and mil was also shocked but as sil stayed with bil because she didnt want to be single mom and have to work so mil had to 'forget' to get access to grandchildren. sil and bil act like nothing happened but me and dh just cant. it was the final straw in all their weird behaviour. Mil still fills us in and it makes us cringe.

they kept calling and writing etc as they want to play happy families but dh just ignored. mil has been upset we cant pretend too but does understand but now there is a wedding we have to go to as close family and we are DREADING IT

any advice??

me and partner have agreed to be distant but polite and if any drama brought up just reiterate is wedding etc not the place.
i know sil will approach tho and most likely cry at us and children as she romanticises their family as being like the waltons.
also i know mil is secretly looking forward to it which i understand as all grandchildren together for first time since incident but we are dreading as all the auntie lala stuff will start again and cards and phone calls and had only just stopped!!

I don't think there's much you can do other than what you have said, be polite, but avoid any lengthy chats or discussions with them. Try to avoid them wherever possible.

Good luck!

You can't control how your SIL and BIL will behave but you can control how you react to their behaviour.
Good idea about saying this isn't the time or place to have a discussion about anything that has gone on in the past and walk away or mingle with other guests. Keep your DD nearby at all times so that you can leave at a moments notice.
Agree with your DH beforehand that if either of you can sense the atmosphere is heading south, you have a word or phrase that you can use - just drop it into the conversation and then you both know that you have to leave and bring your DD with you.

Do you HAVE to go?

And if for whatever reason you and your DH must be there, can you avoid taking your DD? Say she's too young/event will go on too late/be too much for her.

If you absolutely cannot avoid going to this wedding, for whatever reason, I would suggest you just avoid them - walk away if they comeup to a group you're with.

Thank you allisbright, worried too as a very intimate wedding so possibly hard to avoid. I just struggle in the actual moment, i really hope I can stay calm and collected. They would love for me to be rude or sharp to be 'the victims' but i don't want to end up making them think its water under the bridge either. I guess being being polite but not warm but not rude?! plus my dh just clams up and says nothing or politely laughs and is too nice for the sake of his mom and were back to square one and also aware of mil watching desperately hoping for a reconciliation :-(

Ah good idea!! WhatchaMaCalllit yes ill agree a 'safeword'/sentence! and yes we already agreed wont let youngest dd nap and keep both close with no ipad so grouchy ;-))

Caenea, its my dh aunt who he is very close too and her partner is gravely ill. We initally said we wouldnt take our DDs but then MIL got wind and they had an awful row with dh and also invite from Aunt specifically names DD's as she hasnt seen them for a long while due to ill health.
I would love to not go as could have said working as late notice but cant stand thought of DH being there all bottled up as Sil is all over DDs cringe and he begged me to come..

fed up of us avoiding family gatherings because of them! they would never think to not go so we could go.