Am I alive to just be a Mum?

[ljl1415]

I'm trying to figure out my significance and where 'it all went wrong'.

I once had countless friends and had one of the very few good things my Mum ever gave me, my freedom.

I loved music, outdoors, sports and people. I also loved to paint and loved animals. I never had a boyfriend until I was 16 because I was so busy enjoying life while helping everyone and anyone I could.
I was that girl that would suddenly be by your side when you looked worried or sad...even if we didn't know each other.
By the age of 13, I had been through more than most go through in a life time so I was rather good at giving advice and seeing a hidden sadness behind a glowing smile.

10 years on, 3 children and a husband - I don't recognise myself.
I have been in the same job for 4 and a half years and yet I never talk to any of my colleagues. Where music was once apart of everything that I did, I now no longer listen to music. I only go out for the school run and shopping. I haven't; roller bladed, played basket ball, rode a bike, gone for an outdoor run or played badminton in 10 years. I am a pathetic unsociable withdrawn mess around people.
I don't even let my children paint...and I secretly wish we never got our dog.

My main qualities of hope, optimism and 100% effort in every detail of my life has now turned to regular pessimistic outlooks and a constant yet stable state of 'I can't be bothered'. I even quit my job the other week, noone has even noticed I had left aside HR.

Is my only purpose to life to look after these 4? (My 3 children & husband). Is this what my whole life was about?

I don't mean to sound like I am complaining.
I don't mean to sound depressed.
My life is and always has been good and full because with every painful memory I have a good one which I focus on no matter how small.
I have always seen the good memory as the one that matters and I have always pushed the bad one to the side and gotten on with things.

Recently, however, I have stopped doing this.
Maybe, this is why I feel the need to ask: "Am I alive to just be a Mum?".
I have nothing else in my life anymore.
Right now, I am a Mum and that is all.
All my choices and all my sacrifices have brought me to this moment. My choices. I did it all.

.....
So,...I don't understand why I am not ok with it all? I'm trying to be. But I can't see things the way I use to.

I have lost myself.

I didn't want to read and run OP but I'm probably not the best for advice. It's so easy and I admit I'm guilty of similar. I found maternity leave lonely and depressing and I enjoy being back in work, for me and my children.

Can you look for another job? Is there some kind of regular hobby you can do to set yourself 'me time' aside?

Do you have any friends you still see/can reconnect with?

What about a mini makeover to boost your confidence and take it from there?

Hope you're ok

Yeah, currently i am job searching although my husband isnt happy about it. I havent gone without a job since i was 16, it kept me sane even though i wasnt close to any of my colleagues. The only "me time" I get is when I don't sleep at night, I'm up until 4am most nights just sitting in silence. It's the only time I have for me.

As for friends, all my friends cut me off after having my eldest child. I always got "i thought you were busy" when i ask why they dont meet up. Yes i was busy...i was raising a child 100% alone and juggling college and work while breast feeding but i still had time on weekends. But they all drifted anyway really fast.
The only family I have is my Mum who I'm not particularly close to. If I didn't have my children I would have lost touch with her when I was 18, but having say that, she is a lovely Grandma to my 3 sons so she sees them once I week. I'd never leave them alone with her after the way I was brought up though and in 8 years I've left them with her twice for a few hours.
I also have a brother, but I never see or talk to him, he left when he was 12 and stayed home alone (long story) then moved far away when he was 25...so I heard from Mum.

Make over...sounds good. I don't even wear makeup....ever. I haven't so much as cut my hair in 2 years actually. I just shove it in a bun. Thank you for your advice...and for listening to my rant. I didn't expect anyone to read it, but it felt good letting it out. I feel so guilty feeling this way..

What is "OP" by the way?