When do you say goodbye?

[MyPanacea]

My first son was born 6 weeks before my dear partner had a debilitating stroke. I am also step mother to his seven year old son, whose Mother was barely involved in his life.
It has been eight months since my partner had his stroke, he has made incredible gains but he is no longer the man i fell in love with. he is not the man i chose to be the father to my child, he is not the man i was building my life with, he is not the man that makes me laugh, he is not the man i look forward to seeing at the end of each day, in fact i avoid him when I can. I feel like a single mother to three children.

I have had to take over his business as well, and I have had to drop out of University.

I keep hoping that he is still in there somewhere, but how long do you wait? I keep having fantasies of running away with my son.
How long do you keep the faith? I have remained extremely positive but the last 4 months have been very difficult to envision a happy family again.

You keep faith for as long as it takes for you to look in your sons eyes and tell him that you did everything you could for his father. You also keep going until all the paperwork sorting out family affairs is in order if this is terminal. Be the better person and step in to make sure his other child(ren) is/are also taken care of if their mother is not reliable.

Speak to university. They will be understanding and I expect you can resume studies. See your GP about getting counseling. What you are going through is grief. It's incredibly difficult.

One could answer on so many levels and I feel for you going through this.

Stroke damage is unpredictable, and gains back towards ordinary function can be so slow. Is he aphasic? Are you happy with the therapy offered?

How long is an unanswerable question. How long would you want someone to stick by you? Did you ever talk about what would happen if illness or life-changing trauma struck? As you say partner. Nice spouse, then I suppose the conversations about what 'in sickness and in health' mean to you, would never have arisen.

These four months must have been gruelling to you, because of the stress and the changed levels of demand on you. You can and have coped.

Is there a medical prognosis for him yet? If not. When is there likely to be one?

Also, to turn to a practical note, can you sort out as far as you can the legalities of the situation (as you are not married). If it is his business, who owns it if he dies or could seek to take it over formally if he never recovers? Ditto sorting out other property. Is he capable of making his wishes known?

Want2bSupermum

I have felt this way, that as long as I have tried my hardest I can be at peace with what ever life may bring us in the future. That I could honestly tell the boys I did everything in my being for their father.

Although his other son is not legally my responsibility, I have always been there for him, and as much as I have been telling myself that I just can't do this anymore, I know deep down, that I could never walk away from being a constant in his life.

I am hoping to resume studies in the fall, at a slower pace of course, I do not think it would be wise to add to much more to my plate. I suppose I mentionned it to being attention to how much my life has changed. I feel completely cheated. Cheated from my university studies, and
most importantly cheated from my time spent with my baby

have a renewed faith with your words and sincerity, thank you

Oh gosh - that all sounds very tough and you must be exhausted and at the end of your tether. No one could blame you for wanting you give up or walk away.

But - it's not his fault he's like this. I guess the real question is what would you expect of him if it had been you that suffered this ill health?

See if you can access a bit more support - gp, carer Helpline's, health visitors etc.

AuntieStella

Thank you,

He is aphasic, I have to explain things to him as if he were a young child. He can pass for high functioning if he leads the conversation though. I am bery happy with the therapy he is receiving, overall.

Thank you for putting this into perspective, how long would I want someone to stick by me. Very good question to ask myself. Not one single Doctor or therapist has given a prognosis, they keep saying that every stroke is different and every person is different. The closest we've come to a prognosis is that when it comes to recovery, the curve is steepest in the first 2 years. Thus, to answer the question, I would want someone to stick by me for at least the two years it would take me to get better.

We never talked about what would happen in such a situation, because we never thought this could ever happen. We were just supposed to grow old together. I know we would want each other to be happy, but the thought of one abandoning the other is truly heart-wrenching. The idea of abandonnent would never be a consideration if we were in our seventies, but I am only 28.

I currently have power of attorney, so I legally own everything alongside my partner. He is able to make his wishes known, but it scares him to plan for the worst.

Thank you for your kinds words, I have truly gained perspective and courage with this thread.

If the mum is not really involved could you get pr? He could give you guardianship so you could consent to medical procedures etc that way if the worst should happen he won't be totally cut off from you

I get its hard but youll dump him unless he gets better?

Thats kind of shitty, sorry.

Sorry..i really do sympathise but thread asking when its ok to dump him just doesnt sit well with me.

In sickness and in health i guess

Power of attorney doesn't mean you own things, just that you have access to them. I think you might need legal advice, separate from your emotional dilemma.

It's totally understandable to feel as you do.

OP, you dont say goodbye. You just get on with it and accept the changes to your family life. It doest mean to say you have to be like Ma Walton and accept things without being upset or angry but it does mean you put your head down and get on with it. I have a son, he's a young man, who can ask me the same question 50 or so times a day and even if he walked around the house with the question and answer on a piece of paper he's still come and ask me the question. All of the questions he ask me relate to a certain time in his life when I suspect his brain chemistry changed and its as if he's stuck in a time warp when it comes to a handful of things. I know its very difficult and yes, I have a team of carers living at home with me who support me with his care, but even if the whole team was in the house when he wants to ask the questions he'd only come to me for the answer. However long he has to wait for me to answer the question he'll wait. I know you must be exhausted but Im sorry, I cant see how you could turn your back on a man you were happy to have a child with a short time ago. In sickness and in health.

You'd really feel ok with him walking away from you after 2 years? Leaving you alone and unable to be around your son all the time.
I know you are struggling but you'd get more support if you asked for help with that rather than have this idea you could just walk away from him. Of course you can't and even if you did hr would still be in your live as the father of your child.
Please please go to your gp and tell them you are struggling. Have you been offered counseling?

FinallyThroughTheRoof
It's super super shitty. I would have the same reaction if I was the outsider looking in.
In fact I did have the same reaction when I was reading Still Alice, "how could he do such a thing?", "did those vows mean nothing?".

But when you are faced with the fact that you may never have your love back, that this person has changed into someone you no longer recognize, that if I met this man today I would have probably never gone a date with him.

We don't know what happens to Alice at the end of the novel, we know that she eventually loses her mind, but what happens to her husband? Her family probably put her in a home and her husband probably kept on in his career and visited his wife everyday, and everyday his heart would break over and over again.

Do you live in heartbreak for the rest of your life? Do you grieve everyday iver and over again for what once was? Do humans eventually get past the sadness and accept what has happened and move on, or do they accept and find ways to fall in love with this new person?

Rhubarbginisnotasin
Child vs. partner is a very different situation, i believe

I am not trying to justify my fantasies of leaving, I am trying to shed light on what it feels like to be in my position

It sounds awful and there is no easy answer for you.
Do you get any time for yourself?

The feelings are perfectly normal and logical, you don't have to justify them to anyone I imagine a part of it is also the pain and anger that he can't simply be who he was to you before.

Unfortunately what you actually do and how you choose to act, well some options are less justifiable depending on who you talk to. I could never leave my partner but I have seen my mum struggle with my dad's long term health conditions and for sure their relationship isn't typical husband and wife. But the love is there and always will be, it has just taken a different form.

I also think that the right support is essential for you and could change your whole life and perspective on your situation. The bottom line whatever you decide to do is that no matter how much you love someone, it doesn't change the day to day realities of your situation and respite is important.

So, I don't think the question should be when to say goodbye, but how to move forward in a positive way and in a way which makes the most of the life you have together. I think you both deserve that. And the truth is, grief and awful things hit us sometimes and life will never be the same again. Is walking away really the right option for you, or is it just a fantasy because it seems so appealing when you are stuck in the middle of things right now?

I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do.

Rhubarbginisnotasin
Child vs. partner is a very different situation, i believe

My son is 26 years old.

My stepfather nursed my mother for the last 18 years of her life before she died in our local pyschiatric hospital so based on having experience of seeing a spouse step up to the mark and care for a loved one my reply to you wont change - in sickness and in health.

And to be honest I just have a sneaking feeling judging from the me me me aspect of your post and the ref to the book you read that your marriage would always have been about you you you.

I am not trying to justify my fantasies of leaving, I am trying to shed light on what it feels like to be in my positio

You need to stop fantasising and comparing your life to that of a novel and get on with things.

She's not married, Rhubarb.

She's not married, Rhubarb.

Thats no excuse. They have a child together.

People separate for all sorts of things. I would imagine it's incredibly difficult to live with someone who's undergone a complete personality change. Your reference to it being all about her was very cruel. It's her life. She's no longer living with the man he was. After a stroke it's really common for someone's personality to change out of all recognition. My friend's dad started to beat up his wife after his stroke. At what point do you have to think about your own life? That is what the OP is asking.

She is 28, is she supposed to sacrifice her happiness for the next 50 years?
This is an incredibly difficult situation and your age makes a huge difference here.
I really hope your partner recovers well enough for your relationship to continue. However, we don't leave people as a punishment, nor do we stay with them because they somehow deserve it. relationships should be based on mutual love, respect and support.
If you reach a place where you don't want to continue perhaps you could still support and be there for him, but without living together day to day.

Imperial, Im aware of stroke damage. Its why my mum died in our local psychiatric hospital 18 years after having a stroke when she was 40 and my (step) dad was 30.

But more importantly Im surprised that you seem to think that because the Op isn't married to her partner he deserves less consideration than that of a married man. Its almost as if you're saying, well its not as if they have a real relationship given they're not married so she doesn't have to care so much. I find that pretty shocking to be honest.

You say, "You seem to think..." yet you are basing that on nothing but your own imagination.

You said "in sickness and in health" and I said "She's not married."

I think you're shocked at something, but it's certainly not anything I've said.

CherriesInTheSnow
I have gone to see severel counsellors and one psycologist. They all said things like "I don't know of any healthy relationship where one person is a caregiver" or "come late fall next year, you need to reevaluate what you want this relationship to be" or "don't feel guilty for what you have to walk away from".
All of these remarks were terribly unsettling, but what they did make me realize, is that it is not unhealthy to start planning and thinking about what I want my life to look like.

HughLauriesStubble
I have no time to myself, what I consider time to myself is time cuddling with my little one before he drifts to sleep at night, and when he wakes in the middle of the night. My partner no longer needs 24/7 care, he does need help with most daily tasks.

TheVeryThing
What he does deserve is for someone to come back to who he was before. He deserves to have someone try to fall in love and accept his new self. I agree that relationships are based in mutual love, right now it's mutual, but it's parental, I mean it feels like I am kissing a family member. It is so unnatural to shift from intimate relationship to caregiver. Not only is the shifting of roles difficult, but as I mentioned, his very core has been shaken, his personality has changed.
I would absolutely want to be there for him as support, I think what would probably end up happening if we did have to end things. we would remain very good friends, and I would be here for him, night or day, I would be involved medically, if he so wished, but if we keep going on like we are it would be a sham of a relationship, and neither of us would want that.
I feel as though 2 years is a reasonable time to wait, if I was in his shoes I would be satisfied to hear that my partner tried for two years to make things work. Two years is a very long time to be unhappy. I worked so so hard to get our relationship and family to where it was pre-stroke, I am not about to give up so easily.