Tips on how to get my husband to help out more

[WarwickAlice]

I went out this evening and asked my husband to do the washing up while I was gone. It's still not done, and he's playing on his phone instead. I snapped at him and now we're not talking.

This is a daily pattern and it grinds me down. He's so utterly lazy around the house. He will eventually help out, but will whinge and moan and complain so much that it really is easier and less stressful to do everything myself.

I've tried everything. I've tried reasoning, I've tried shouting, I've tried guilt trips, I've tried tears. I've also tried refusing to do things to show him how much I do round here, but then I just end up living in a stinking, fetid tip and then end up giving in after a few weeks and doing everything myself.

I'm at the end of my tether. What can I do? I'm not asking much. He lives here too.

Sadly if he doesn't want to contribute and you've tried everything then you should consider whether he's someone you want to be in a relationship with

There's nothing you can do, except leave. And I would seriously consider it. He's selfish, self-absorbed and useless. What do you get out of staying?

...

Sorry I've been away from my computer for a few days. Thanks for your replies. Leaving is not an option: I have married him and so I need to work through this with him. But I neeeeed to get it through his head that I can't put up with this any more.

Plastic washing up bowl.
Put dishes in bowl.
Dump on his side of bed, cover with duvet

When it comes to "reasoning" asking why the fuck you should do it all is a good start.
Ask him repeatedly for an answer

The problem is you want him to help out. He is an adult and should contribute to the running of the house. Write out a list of chores and sit down with him and decide who does what.

Leaving is not an option: I have married him and so I need to work through this with him.

He knows your feelings on the subject - but he doesn't care.

Your marriage means squat to him - you're just another domestic appliance.

Get angry.

Remind him how much more energy you will have if he does his share!
Although obviously he should be pulling his weight as he is part of a team and you aren't his hand maiden. .
Or his dm.

Crikey. I'm new here, and male, but this all sounds very ... terminal.

My SO and I split up over things like this, but out situation may have been very different.

What may have helped us is for me to see things through her eyes. I - and I think most males - dont worry about a bit of grime. It would have helped if I'd thought "if I think it's a bit dirty, then she thinks it's filthy" and we could have maybe found a middle ground.

But there's two sides, so also for her to try to see things through my eyes too. Why did the washing up need doing while you were out specifically? If you were to say "your turn to do the washing up", and leave it to him to do in his way and at his time

We found that splitting chores (e.g. he always does these, you always do those) didn't work well for us, but it might work for you.

If you share the house he should take responsibility (notably not need asking) for his share. And, IMO, once he's pulling his weight you may need to accept that his standards may be different to yours and aren't wrong just because they're not yours.

Was he like this from Day One?

I would turn a deaf ear to the grumbling if he made any effort but agree
it is a PITA if you need to push him.
He must be a bit dim if he doesn't see that if he pulls his weight there's no atmosphere and you're in a better mood.
Additionally when the place is straight before bedtime, you get go to bed earlier and more likely have more time, inclination and energy for sex. And definitely sleep better.

Doing housework as a team is only fair. You're not his mother.

Leaving is not an option: I have married him and so I need to work through this with him.

Do you? Can you imagine living like ths for th rest of your life? Is your husband being loving and caring to you and upho9lding his marriage vows??

Read this -www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html - and get your lazy arse of a h to read it too.

clicky link

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

Leaving should always be an option and he should know it.

Marriage only works if you both work at it. So, if he's bailing out he's ruining the relationship.

Overall, I think it's easier if each have their own responsibilities so that they can manage according to their preference.

For example, does it matter if he did the dishes while you were away or later or the next morning?
What if there is no next meal because there are no clean dishes?

Could you sit together and work out what could each become responsible for? And what are the minimum standards?
Draw your line and stick to the consequences.

My mother's friend has a husband like this.

Now she's more seriously ill and he was hapless, even when he tried. He simply doesn't care for her in many respects.

She had many reasons to leave him earlier in life and my mother commented that she was right to stick to him as otherwise she'd have no support.
I disagreed. Not only he's not really supporting her, as he's making decisions regarding her care that are not to her benefit.

This is the man that should be there for you when you're vulnerable and he can't even do his part now.
Is this who you want to grow old with?

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh
does it matter if he did the dishes while you were away or later the next morning?
in his way at his time

1. Yes it matters. If it didn't matter when then the OP would not have asked would she? It mattered presumably because he had time to do it while she was out, it would be easier to do it before dishes get dry/crusty, it would have been nice to return to a clean sink. Procrastinating until next day is merely a passive aggressive way of getting her to cave and do it.
2. It's not timey wimey land...his time would be never if he can help it, according to the OP. Control freaks use the chestnut of in my way at my time...Like the guy whose turn on the rota meant do it before midnight so would inyentionally start at 23.59

OP do not stay married to this guy and whatever you do, don't have kids with him. If he won't do his bit now he's not going to when you have bugger all sleep and nappies.
You'll end up resentful. Learned helplessness is a shitty trait and gaming instead of taking his turn is indicative he's a selfish sod, who is hearing "nagging" as opposed to fairness.
Newsflash: very few feckers like housework. Suck it up buttercup. Housework and Gruntwork is not Wife work.
One does not need a vagina to clean a sodding dish.

intentionally

And that huffarticle makes me cringe. Because the guy that writes it is still claiming that you really need to "know" something and understand it/rationalise it, in order to do it when, you know, having only been told in black and white a million fucking times...you could Just. Fucking. Do. It.
Sometimes it is about the fucking glass.

My DP speaks very highly of me obviously
And I am really easy to live with

As to huffpost guy or any guy: not thinking = being thoughtless. Whether there is intent or not, the knock-on result is the frigging same.

And breathe.
Am off to make if I can find a cup. This thread should come with a trigger warning.

applauds Gin

Have you tried making a chart of everything that needs to be done and sitting down with him with it. Not arguing but honestly finding out what he is prepared to do. So he won't do dishes in the evening but will he take responsibility for hoovering every Saturday?Then maybe pointing out what a cleaner will cost for the jobs he won't do and the impact that will have on your budget. He sounds pretty reluctant so a cleaner may be the only option. If it's really tight financially he may actually take more responsibility as he feels the pain. I'd also more drastically given the conditions he's prepared to live in be totally independent with washing and ironing and only do your own so he has to pull his weight in this department. Also perhaps pull back with cooking. Explain after I had to do last nights dishes before even starting with dinner I couldn't be bothered so just had a sandwich why don't you do the same?

Why do you think you should work at your marriage but not hold your husband to that standard? It's a two-way thing, marriage, requires both parties to pull their weight

There really seem to be an awful lot of men like this. Or maybe it's just that only the people with idiot husbands will be starting threads about it on here so it just appears more prolific than it is.

HOW in 2017 have we STILL got a situation where so many men think dishes are women's work???!!!