This is so long but I don't want to drip feed, sorry!
I've never really had a close relationship with my notoriously selfish, lazy Dad. Not for any particular reason, he just always seemed to favour my older bro and younger sis.
My parents always had quite a (verbally) abusive marriage, lots of cheating accusations and they didn't hide their thoughts of one other from us kids whilst they were together. About 5 years ago my Mum suspected (again) that my Dad was having an affair, our family home was unbearable to live in and he still denied the accusations even after my Mum found indisputable proof that he was seeing another woman. Let's call her 'woman A'. Mum and Dad eventually split up and family home was sold. Dad had no equity from family home due to unsuccessful business ventures and owing a lot to the bank, something he's always been massively bitter about.
Somewhere in between all of this I was diagnosed with Osteo Sarcoma. I was in hospital 150 miles away for around 10 days. Mum drove to see me every day, Dad didn't come once. He said he couldn't come as he didn't want to let the others at his evening hobby down. We later discovered that he was seeing another woman, 'woman B' whilst I was in hospital, he would use the time Mum was visiting me to spend evenings with the other lady. About 18 months after this I was awarded a large compensation payout for medical negligence relating to the Sarcoma. Whenever Dad would bother to make the effort to see me at my house he would always make spiteful aggressive comments about money. I used the money to move to my second home, as well as a car and holidays for me and DH. He never congratulated or asked how the injury was, it was always just snide hurtful remarks about how much I'd spent on this or that, or 'oh you're off on holiday again of course you are'. He was very resentful that he'd had no money from the fallout of his marriage but his least favourite child was all of a sudden not struggling for money (not that I'd rather have the money over my full health, I'd trade in an instant)
Anyway, Dad is currently still seeing woman A, the woman who split up my parents marriage, and has been for a few years now. For some reason he denies it most of the time and says that he just needs somewhere to stay and she offers him a helping hand as none of his kids offered to help when he needed it etc. I think he thinks we're fucking simple to be honest. He and Woman A have been on various holidays together which he never admits (I've seen on her Instagram 😁 - they even went to visit my DB whilst he lived in Aus at Xmas time last year) and have been seen out at various social occasions by others we know, they're no doubt a couple and have been for a number of years.
I've always known that dad only EVER contacts me when he wants something. My DH and sis in law have also noticed this although I've never mentioned it to Dad as I like to try and keep the peace.
About a year ago him and Woman A had one of their rows and she throws him out of her house (again). I managed to find him a lovely privately rented flat, ready immediately. Perfect. I sorted all the necessities, paid deposit, arranged sofas, electronics, cutlery, bedding, removals, he didn't have to lift a finger. He was in the place for 3 weeks and then left without a word to the landlord, Kenneth. He'd made up after his row with woman A and decided he didn't need the flat anymore. I was so embarrassed I looked like such an idiot with the landlord. Dad had taken all of the furnishings I'd arrange for him to charity. He didn't even tell me he was leaving the flat.
This happens 5/6 more times throughout the year. They row and he comes to me for help obviously. He doesn't seem to be happy at all unless I offer to let him live at my house, he's too lazy and bone idol to sort anything himself and he thinks this is the easy option. He's sent many messages along the lines of 'I need to stay with you, I'll give you £100 a week', 'psychos kicked me out again'. I always say no, he cannot stay indefinitely and I don't want his money. I'd let him stay for a night/ a week or whatever he needed, but he needs to have a plan of where he's moving on to, he cannot just use my house as a hotel whenever he falls out with Woman A. He's over 50 and need some stability, a place of his own. I've offered to help find him somewhere again but he's not interested unless I'm letting him have the easy option of moving into my house, considering he doesn't like me much I'm not sure why he'd want to live with me anyway! But as I said, he's lazy and it's the easy option.
Last weekend was my birthday. I had no happy birthday message from him, just one on the day saying she's kicked him out again for no reason and he needs to stay on my sofa (indefinitely) I said no, sorry I can't help you until you start to help yourself, find yourself somewhere and then let me know when it's ready and you can stay in the meantime. He just replied 'ok' and we haven't spoken since.
I'm now on holiday abroad. My DB and DSIL are house sitting for me. My Mum has let me know that Dad has been round my house every fucking night with the two of them watching Tv and eating dinner together. I am fuming. He doesn't have any time for me whatsoever but expects me to jump through hoops when he needs help, and now he's in my house every day when I'm not there. He was over today too with my DB watching the football. I told DB and DSIL before I went on holiday that I didn't want him putting them in a position where he'd ask to stay over and making them feel so awkward that they couldn't say no whilst I wasn't there. Whilst they haven't let him sleep over, I feel like they're not taking my wishes seriously by having him over every night.
There's a lot more back story to this, he's been emotionally abusive to me over the years, always tries to make me feel like a villain, threatening suicide if I don't help him, not to mention showing no interest in coming to my wedding as he couldn't afford the flights, but jetting off to Australia with Woman A later that year to see my DB. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I shouldn't be annoyed with DB for letting him over, he has a fairly close relationship with Dad but he has never had the relationship with him that I've had so he doesn't know how hard it is for me. WWYD? DH thinks I should cut Dad off and he doesn't want him in the house ever again once we're home from holiday due to the way he's treated me. So sorry for the long post I just don't know what to do. I have major anxiety every few weeks knowing Dad will pop up again wanting me to help him and having to have the same horrible conversations over and over again.