Screwed my only friendship up!

[Justdontgetitatall]

So I've been best friends with someone (let's call her 'Sally' (can't be doing with all this DF business!) for over 18 years now. Not always been as close as other times. Past few years we haven't seen each other as much due to me having a baby and her planning her wedding so working additional long shifts to pay for it.
However, her mum has never liked me. The only clue she's ever given is to give me abuse about my weight? I am overweight. Mainly due to medical reasons. A lot of people hate bigger women/men. (Even though her daughter, Sally's sis, is twice my size )
In all these years, I've always made myself scarce whenever her Mum is around. It's very odd. She scares me! Even though I have never ever done a thing wrong. In fact I've always been there for Sally from the birth of her now 13yr old child, being there regularly as her child was a baby/toddler, even helped financially at one point many many years ago. So I cannot get my head around what else it could be to make her hate me so much that she shouts whenever she sees me?!
Anyway, Sally has been with her fiancé for over a decade and we all get along really well. Used to all have a drink together on a weekend before I had my child. So this wedding is looooooong awaited and is essentially the Royal Wedding to not only me, but all her family & everyone who knows them! We never thought it would happen!

Well, it is finally happening in a few weeks!!! Naturally I & my daughter are invited. I was quite excited for her long-awaited Hen Night
However, at the weekend Sally told me she had had a little 'gathering' at her Mum's house the night before that had been sprung on her as a type of Hen Night but kept emphasising that it WASN'T A HEN NIGHT! And that she didn't want a Hen Night for financial reasons (which I totally understand). I was a bit disappointed but understood the financial aspect due to some issues on their part that I won't go into.
Now up until this point, whilst I've been pondering my outfit etc I've been a bit worried about how her Mum is going to be with me at the Wedding. Especially as I'll be there alone and surprisingly will only know a handful of people there other than Sally & her husband & child.
Then...last night I go onto Facebook and Sally has uploaded pics of her 'Hen Night!!!' round at her Mums with loads of people there, all dressed up in Hen Night attire, playing games etc. Basically every female in my Sally's immediate circle - besides me! Even friends from work!

Now this has really upset me. More than I thought it would. It's as if her Mum is purposely trying to exclude me and convey the message that I'm not wanted by her (she is EXTREMELY CONTROLLING) and I am now starting to wonder if I should even go to the Wedding? I'll be there alone (except my daughter who will be coming in the evening).
I'm overweight so will no doubt look like a pig in lipstick (an insult that will no doubt be thrown at me by her Mum), and will end up leaving very upset.

I don't know what to do?

I have tried talking to Sally about it, who just laughed it off and told me not to be daft!

Help! Do I spend £60+ on a dress/shoes only to leave after an hour or two all upset or do I just give it up as a bad job. Consider myself robbed of my closest (and believe it or not, only friend's) wedding??

Please be kind!

Thanks x

From what you've wrote I would say that Sally's mum planned the hen party, of which you wasn't invited to. Sally then didn't want to make you feel crappy about not being invited, so that's why she said it wasn't a hen party. Completely forgot, and had upload the photos in excitement (as I'm sure she was with it being in terms 'a royal wedding'). I wouldn't take that personally. Sally's mum sounds like a bitch, and I doubt you'd have had a nice time in her company.

Not sure what her problem with you is, and I highly doubt it's your weight, because as you said her daughter is bigger than you. My only thought was mums remember everything. I'd say maybe a time when you and sally have argued or drifted apart, and sally felt you wasn't there for her/supportive etc, she has shared those thoughts with her mum. Mums hold grudges, and it sounds like she has a problem with you for a reason. It could even be for something you've forgotten has happened. Maybe you even made a comment to her that she took offence to, of which wasn't intended.

If it really is affecting your friendship/affecting you personally etc, then I suggest speaking with Sally. Tell her you need her to be completely honest about why her mum doesn't like you. I'm sure she doesn't want conflict at her wedding, and would rather you both get along. If Sally is a true friend, then she really will tell you the truth.

No there really isn't anything. No disagreements, nothing. I've only actually met her Mum once before she decided she didn't like me. Was perfectly pleasant on both sides. Her Mum is a bit nuts to be honest.
There is a history between Sally & her Mum and I get the impression she is more than a little unhinged/tapped/whatever you want to call it. She has form for disliking people. The reason I assumed it was my weight is because she shouts weight-shaming abuse every time she sees me.
We once got a taxi and dropped Sally off first. Her mum was in the garden. She saw me in the taxi and shouted "What the bloody hell you doing with that fat mess for?! You'll end up like a house if you associate with her!!" She then proceeded to stick her fingers up at me!!! I was mortified. Never used the same taxi firm again!!!
Ever since, whenever she sees me, she's been exactly the same way pretty much.

I know it's hard to fathom that there couldn't be any other reason but there honestly isn't. Sally & I have always been great friends. Almost like family. No issues.

I will take your advice though, thank you x

Well I would not be going to that wedding if she can't control her mother.

Exactly my thinking Alternative

Wow that's a nasty thing for her to say to you OP! I do think you should talk to Sally, and tell her you are sadly thinking about not attending the wedding due to the way her mother treats you. Shocking how rude some people can be!

No I wouldn't go to the wedding

Her mother sounds deranged. That wedding will in all likelihood end in a big scrap - you're better off not going.

You know the old saying about sticks and stones....don't deprive yourself and Sally of the joy of you being there for her at her wedding because of her mother's strangeness. Just tell yourself you won't listen to her or pay any attention to her: you will be there for you and for Sally and her words will flow off your back like so much unwanted rain. Have a wonderful time.

PS Sally clearly loves you and tried to spare your feelings: follow her lead and just ignore the issue of her mother as you won't be able to get to the bottom of it nor fix it.

I just don't want to be responsible for an awkward atmosphere at her wedding!! Is it worth it? Really?

I have no other friends and barely know anyone there so I'll end up sat on my own fiddling with my phone with everyone looking at me like "Who's the fat weirdo with no friends or 'plus one?'

And I just KNOW her Mum will use the insult involving "Lipstick on a Pig"

Maybe I'll just go to the service and then run out quickly?! Don't need an expensive dress for that either do I?! X

Or ask someone to 'Facebook Live' it!!

Don't go. Sally should have controlled her mother. Woman sounds mental

Is this for real?
I can't believe this woman is so rude! Lipstick on a pig? Did she actually say that to you? What did you say in response?

It is normal to be respectful towards your friends' parents but it is not expected of you to tolerate fucking insults. What does your friend think of her mother's conduct?

I wouldn't go. If it's causing you upset or anxiety it isn't worth it. Maybe just go to the service the years down the line your friend can't say that you missed her wedding. Is her mum like that with her daughters other friends or partner?

No, just me that I know of x

What does your friend have to say about her mother insulting you?

She seriously said that to you ? And your friend knows? hmmmm @ this

Ditch the friend and her wierd mum.

Have to say I don't think this friend is really your friend you know, if she valued you that much she wouldn't let her mum treat you like that.

I wouldn't go, her Mother sounds extremely odd and I think you'd be made to feel unwelcome.

If you're not going to go you need to tell your friend you wish her the very best but you're very hurt about the hen night and know how her mum feels about her. As a result, you'd feel uncomfortable attending the wedding. See how she reacts.

Honestly if her mum has that much of a hold over her and she has for some reason decided she dislikes you, I would seriously reconsider the friendship, why won't your friend stand up to her mum and why is she so overinvolved in her life? I'd be honest and not go.

Btw Op my dm dislikes my best friend from school. It's so embarrassing for me. I avoid bringing my friend back to my parents (I only see her when I'm back home visiting my parents). I would never allow my dm to leave my friend out like that and I actually respect my dm a bit less. Btw the reason my dm doesn't like her is because she thinks she's weird because she hasn't had a bf for the last 15 or so years and lives alone. Ffs.

I wouldn't go...sounds like you and friend are in a difficult position. She should have spoken to her mother by now but that might make things awkward between them...you say you won't know anyone at the wedding apart from your daughter? My advice would be to meet up with your friend after the wedding and have a day of it together away from the mother.

Her mother sounds batshit insane. Sally doesn't sound like much of a friend if she's happy to stand by and let her mother treat you so disgustingly.

I definitely wouldn't attend the wedding.