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Original poster

DF is cheating on DM. He says if I tell her he'll have to die.

53 replies

namechanger19891111 · 30/05/2017 14:22

Have nc'd for this as I have family who know I'm on here. Apologies for such a long post. I'll give a bit of backstory

3 months ago, my mum and I both recieved a message from a random woman on facebook who claimed my dad had been sleeping with her cousin, had told this woman's cousin that Dad claims he doesn't love my mum anymore and was now pissed off because the cousin had dumped her bf for him. Obviously this was a shock but I ignored it and later that night she sent us both screenshots of her messages with my dad, which was basically sexual messages. Think she sent them to me to properly embarrass him. DM, who I am very very close to, forgave him and they moved on.

I work in a tech team who repair mobile phones, my dad had an issue with his phone so on Sunday I took it to see if I could fix it. I only had it for 10 mins and 4 different women had texted him. So I snooped his text messages (yes I read my dad's texts which is weird but before you flame me for it, I'm not having him taking the piss out of my mum again).

One woman, the texts were "so glad I found you" "love you" "love you babe". Another one he'd texted "sexy boots today", another was just really graphic sexts which I had to stop reading.

I confronted him immediately and he broke down and said there was nothing in it. He swore on my 4 month old sons life that nothing was going on with any of these women, which I was completely disgusted at as it's there in black and white "love you babe".

He then begs me not to tell my mum, which I feel I really need to do. That evening he starts texting me saying he's been throwing up with guilt (which is what he said last time). My mum is supposed to be coming to mine tonight for dinner which is when I was going to tell her. He knows this, and I woke up to 15 missed calls from him. When I answered eventually my baby started crying halfway through the conversation, i said i have to go, DS is crying and he said "never mind him for a sec, listen to me I'm your dad" to which I replied that my son needed me and hung up. Voicemails and texts from him followed this afternoon threatening to kill himself if I tell her and that if I did "he'd have to die".

I don't know what to do. I can't get in touch with him now, when I tried to phone him back he texted me saying he doesnt want to talk now. I can't go on feeling like I'm lying to my mum and acting like everything is ok. After his comments regarding my son I dont want him round him at all at the moment.

If you've made it this far in my endless post, thanks for reading and any advice is massively appreciated.

OP posts:

TemporalUser5k · 30/05/2017 14:49

Well if you don't think he will do it, what do you have to lose? You've already lost your relationship to him due to his appalling behaviour towards you. That may sound a bit harsher than I mean it but you hopefully understand what I mean.

You love your mum so you need to do what you think is best for her. I'm really sorry you're in this situation

BorisTrumpsHair · 30/05/2017 14:49

the way your F is treating you is despicable and manipulative.

He thinks he can control you with all these threats he is laying on you. As for swearing on your sons life - what an arse. This is confirmation that he is lying - as if you needed that.

Of course you need to tell your Mum - how could you not?

alltouchedout · 30/05/2017 14:54

Tell her. He's highly unlikely to actually harm himself; even if he did, that would he his choice and he would be responsible for it, not you.

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seafoodeatit · 30/05/2017 14:58

I would block his number and cut all contact with him for now, the way he is talking to you is frankly disgusting and beyond manipulative.

The decision to tell your dm rests with you, I hope it goes well, we had similar in our family but dm didn't do anything about it in the end and everything became incredibly awkward and complicated, we don't regret telling her though as it didn't seem like a choice we could make for her, she had a right to know.

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 30/05/2017 14:58

Give him the chance to tell her himself. Say that if he doesn't, you will tell her. It will be better coming from him.

Fairenuff · 30/05/2017 14:59

Tell her. And try to convince her to get tested for STDs too.

SweetLuck · 30/05/2017 14:59

Tell him to go to the doctor if he's feeling suicidal.

And tell your mum.

Kokusai · 30/05/2017 14:59

Tell her.

indigox · 30/05/2017 15:00

Tell her. He won't kill himself it's just a pathetic empty, manipulative threat.

NotQuiteJustYet · 30/05/2017 15:01

If I were in your shoes, I would have to tell my mum. Your dad has attempted to wrap you around his little finger in order to get you on side, imagine the lines he's going to spin for your poor mum.

I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now

picklemepopcorn · 30/05/2017 15:01

Worst worst case? He still won't have killed himself because of what you did, but because of what he did. Tiny tiny risk. Smaller than the risk to your mum of saying nothing.

SweetLuck · 30/05/2017 15:01

Give him the chance to tell her himself

This will create the impression that he has some last shreds of integrity, and might make your mum more likely to forgive him, based on that false impression.

Threatening suicide is the lowest of the low.

Benedikte2 · 30/05/2017 15:03

He has acted appallingly -- if he swore on your DS's life then nothing is sacred to him (Btw I don't believe in such oaths but even so, I would not be able to forgive him.)
I doubt he'd kill himself as he's too selfish and self indulgent to do that. He's just desperate to keep you quiet and that's the only threat he has -- emotional blackmail.
Do what you feel is the best for your DM

BluePeppers · 30/05/2017 15:04

I think you need to Be prepared that your dad will say that you are lying, that noting was going oon.
That he will make your life very hard and in some ways force your mum to choose betwen you and him.
And that your mum is nowhere near ready to leave him and is mor likely to forgive him again.

SunnyScot89 · 30/05/2017 15:06

Can you get your dad to come round this evening too? Get him to tell your mum himself.

That way you know where your dad is (ie not killing himself) and are there to support your mum. It will be tough but best for all of you.

JennyOnAPlate · 30/05/2017 15:07

Tell your mum op, she deserves to know.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2017 15:13

Tell her. Bearing in mind what happened last time - how soon before one of the women (or a relative) tells her instead? And how will she feel then?

Did you take any screenshots and will she believe you?

Never mind his posturing and blackmail - if he decides he has to die, that's entirely up to him.

Hissy · 30/05/2017 15:14

He swore on my 4 month old sons life

"never mind him for a sec, listen to me I'm your dad"

This is ENOUGH for you to NEVER speak to this vile slug again!

As for the threats to kill himself.. astoundingly manipulative.

He's no refusing to speak to you? great, that gives you carte blanche

Your DM is owed the truth and she is the one who needs your support. He will NOT kill himself.

Even if he did, that would be HIS decision. HIS.
Like it was his to fuck half the town....

Cut contact, focus on your mum and tell her the truth, how DARE he swear on your DS life. How DARE HE!!

diddl · 30/05/2017 15:18

So he's been found out once(that you know of) & been forgiven.

Does he think that she would kick him out this time?

If so, what's the problem as he obviously doesn't want to be with her.

If not, again, what's the problem for him?

He sounds absolutely horrible.

TalkingintheDark · 30/05/2017 15:18

When I answered eventually my baby started crying halfway through the conversation, i said i have to go, DS is crying and he said "never mind him for a sec, listen to me I'm your dad"

On top of the cheating, the lying and the manipulation, this little snapshot says so much about him, doesn't it. Everyone else is just a bit player in the show that's all about him.

annandale · 30/05/2017 15:23

I would probe very gently with your mum, see how she is, what she seems to know. The priority has to be her and her wellbeing. His dramatics are despicable - ignore them.

user1496147688 · 30/05/2017 15:43

You have to tell her. Imagine you were in her shoes, you would want to know.
You have to tell her. You have to.

givemethecake · 30/05/2017 15:53

I know he's your dad, but what a prick!

He's trying to control you and blackmail you into not saying anything, just so he can get away with it. He doesn't care about anyone apart from himself.

Please tell your mum, she deserves better.

NellieFiveBellies · 30/05/2017 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSpenserGregson · 30/05/2017 16:03

Tell your mum ASAP.

I'm so sorry your father has put you in such a difficult position. He won't kill himself.

You must be in shock OP; hope you're ok

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