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Original poster

PIL behaviour grating on me

25 replies

unusualcolours · 21/05/2017 12:15

I'm really unsure of what to do, ever since i got pregnant last year and had my baby 3 months ago my partner's parent's behaviour has really grated on me. Sorry for the long post, I just really need to get this off my chest and pretty certain saying how I feel out loud will give me bitch status.

I hope that it's just my hormones post natal that make everything they do really irritating.

First of all I'm a very private person and hate having my photo taken and I do not really do social media.

When I was pregnant MiL was constantly taking my picture to get a picture of my bump to post to Facebook despite several requests not to as she wanted to show her friends who were all going to be "nanny" to my baby also Confused

MiL has now posted pictures of my baby on Facebook. I requested she remove as not comfortable having baby pictures out there at the moment.

MiL puts on a babyish voice when talking to us, putting a "w" where there should be "r" in certain words and being incredibly patronising etc etc.

FiL wouldn't take my word for it when I said baby was hungry as he didn't want me to take her away to feed. Instead he put his finger in her mouth and said look no she's not.

Constantly telling us to ignore baby safety guidelines as babies were fine in their day. Such as it's ok to put a bouncer on top of a washing machine as the vibrations will put her to sleep or that leaving them in a car seat all day is fine. Also put her in car seat on top of washing machine as that will put her to sleep too.

Refusing to sit/stand in shade when holding baby in the garden the other day when it was really sunny and then said I was paranoid and didn't want anyone to hold my baby when I said I didn't want her in the sun.

Discussing my mental health in the next room with another family member and suggesting I have PND.

Turning up unannounced and saying they would only be here for half an hour and then staying for two and wanting to stay for a meal. I didn't have any suitable meals for 4 and they got annoyed when I took the baby to feed, then got annoyed because she then went to sleep and they wanted her awake.

The list goes on and on!

Probably a bit PFB, will accept people telling me to get a grip/give my head a wobble etc.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 21/05/2017 12:20

Bloody hell, I'd take baby and hide in my room whenever they turn up.

Or just not answer the door!

They do sound horrible actually trying to make out you have pnd because you won't let them treat your baby like their property!

Can you tell your DP to set down some ground rules with them, i.e. They visit on specific days and times when he's around and that's it?

Ginger782 · 21/05/2017 12:22

YANBU Flowers

Is your husband strongly backing you up?
He needs to be doing this. Be firm. This is part of "his job" as your primary support right now. To help ensure your wishes, as a partnership, are being honoured.

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 21/05/2017 12:25

Urgh they sound completely patronising and pretty unbearable! I feel for you OP! I don't know what the solution is but here Wine I think you could do with it.

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Original poster
unusualcolours · 21/05/2017 12:32

Partner does not seem to have a problem with their behaviour which is why I think it's all in my head.

He was not happy about my request to remove pictures from Facebook as he didn't want to upset his mother, I said that we need to unite as parents and that I am her mother and I have a say in what goes online until she is of an age to decide for herself.

We are engaged and I'm seriously questioning whether I want to actually marry into this family at the moment.

OP posts:
MissBax · 21/05/2017 12:33

Urgh I hate them already!! What does your OH say about it??

Original poster
unusualcolours · 21/05/2017 12:34

Thank you for your messages.

I don't like to breastfeed in front of other people at the moment and that seemed to offend them as well as they didn't want us to leave the room. I don't even breastfeed in front of my own parents!

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 21/05/2017 12:35

YANBU and you don't need this. Understandable they're very excited, but that doesn't give them open house on making you tired, miserable and demanding their emotional needs get met ahead of the baby's physical needs. You're also actually allowed to be all pfb with your new baby!

Why don't you pull up the drawbridge for a couple of weeks? Develop a bone in your leg, or water on the earlobe or something, say no to any visits at home, maybe meet somewhere for a coffee for an hour or so if they're going to go into severe gc withdrawal, but have some time to feel calm and relaxed and unhassled with your baby. Then you might feel more ready to invite them back in with firmer boundaries and a pre pared thickened skin.

glitterglitters · 21/05/2017 12:35

Get some horrendous photos of mil and tag her on Facebook in them!

On a more serious note report them to Facebook, It's bang out of order posting images of you and your child without your consent.

As for the general parenting I would hammer in "my baby, my decision" and just remind them in the leaps and bounds made by things called "scientific research" which you find far more believable than "random anecdotal evidence".

WineFlowers

CalmItKermitt · 21/05/2017 12:39

Tell them to duck off.

SkyeBlu · 21/05/2017 12:40

POOR POOR YOU - they sound AWFUL...I would fix them with menacing eyes and say..."Please back off, this is our baby, not yours and if you want to have a relationship with us then you need to give us some respect and back (the fuck - if they are swearers!) off. I love your son and I love this baby - I know what is best for us now.
Then turn your back and find your partner and be sweetness, coolness and calm. You are right. They are controlling, unthinking twats!

furryelephant · 21/05/2017 12:40

It's definitely not just post natal hormones! I genuinely get so angry I cry sometimes when people tell me I'm wrong about my DD being hungry and I'm 6 months on! They sound pretty horrible to be honest and you have every right to take your baby somewhere else to feed (I still do!). The sun thing would warrant them never being left with baby in my eyes and being told to fuck off GrinI am also very PFB but as mother, my decision goes and it's tough. My dad regularly tried to tell me that no, she isn't tired and then would wonder why she screamed for anything up to 3 hours when I finally was able to try and put her to bed HmmI'm a lot more assertive now and just pick her up out of whoever's arms and leave. Have faith in your decisions and if they question it, tell them unless they're the one feeding their baby with their breasts they don't decide when she's hungry and if they weren't involved in making her then they don't get to be involved in decisions such as social media or risking sunburn!

furryelephant · 21/05/2017 12:42

Sorry I'm actually angry on your behalf Angrymy DD's father's mother (who has never made the effort to see her so I won't even call her a grandparent) regularly called her "my baby" and it took me 5 months to set her straight so I do understandSad

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/05/2017 12:44

Does your partner not even back you on the dangerous car seat/bouncer/sunburn stuff? That would terrify me. I honestly wouldn't be letting them have her unsupervised ever.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 21/05/2017 12:47

A couple of things to add to dh -

Why is it ok for you to be upset but not his mum?

Why is it when she knew you didn't want her to do something, and then went ahead and did it anyway, he doesn't think she should be upset by any consequences? Does this mean he's ok with MiL basically ignoring you and what you want? Why does he expect his partner to lay down and let his mother walk over her?

As many women here have said before in the many similar threads re their dh - aim to not be the easier one to upset.

DancingLedge · 21/05/2017 12:48

It's not you.
It's them.

Original poster
unusualcolours · 21/05/2017 12:50

They keep trying to push me to leave her with them because I need to "relax", luckily I have the breastfeeding excuse not to leave her anywhere without me for a while.

Partner would never put her in danger and would never allow them to put her in danger but he just doesn't seem to want to confront them about it.

Actually had a little tear because I've felt for so long that it's me that has the problem but now I'm thinking it's all them and DP for not doing something about it.

OP posts:
Ginger782 · 21/05/2017 12:55

OP, you absolutely need to have this conversation with your partner and don't let him push your feelings aside. He needs to know you HAVE to be a united team. Both as parents and partners. Parenting is only going to get harder. Marriage will have imcredibly hard seasons also. Seasons that make you wonder whether it's worth it. No matter what difficulties you face you need reassurance that the two of you are a team and have each other's back. Flowers

Ginger782 · 21/05/2017 12:57

I'm not sure how to get him to understand that it's a more serious issue than just "upsetting his mum a bit". It's the way you handle these small upsets as parents and partners that will give you an insight into how you will manage much bigger problems in the future.

NapQueen · 21/05/2017 12:58

Definetly not you thats the problem.

  1. Photos on fb - they are so monumentally wrong for sharing photos of you when you dont want them to and for sharing photos of your dc when you dont want them to. If they refuse to then report them on FB (the photos). If that doesnt work then stop them taking photos altogether

  2. the baby voice - ignore her. If she asks why you are ignoring her say "oh I thought you were talking to the baby as you put that silly voice on"

  3. start taking the baby off them and leaving the room when she needs a feed or you need a break

  4. deffo raise the issue above with dp and as another poster said ask why its ok for you to be upset not dm

  5. discussing you and your mental health with other people is so unacceptable. Do you feel capable of confronting them on this?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 21/05/2017 13:03

Make sure you bf until dc is at least 2yo. .
Tell your dp unless he backs you 100% regarding your dc you won't marry such a spineless toad. .
Google such stupid stuff as
'What can happen if I balance my baby bouncer on a washing machine 'and show him the results.

Ask your hv to discuss child safety at a home visit. .
Did your dp have siblings until they killed them off with lack of common sense by any chance?

MsGameandWatch · 21/05/2017 13:04

My parents and PIL were like this. By the time I had my second child I had become more sure of myself and quickly earned myself a reputation as being "difficult". It's easy to say but you have to be firm. Insist on the things you want and what I did was never make eye contact so I didn't have to see their outraged faces. It took a while to get there though and I still seethe at how difficult they made that time and forced me to ignore my instincts, leaving my baby when I didn't want to etc. When they quibble just completely ignore them, if they refuse to hand the baby over stand there saying "let me have my baby please" over and over getting louder and louder (I only had to do this once). Make a scene, do what you need to. You're conditioned to think it's rude so it feels awful the first few times you have to do it. It gets easier I promise you.

booellesmum · 21/05/2017 13:08

YANBU.
Just because they did things differently and their kids were fine doesn't make them right and doesn't mean they can dictate to you.
You are the parent. You call the shots.
Stay calm and don't let them get to you but make it very clear that they need to accept your way of doing things.

Chottie · 21/05/2017 19:07

OP - This is not PND.

Your PiL are being very, very unreasonable.

I can't believe the washing machine / bouncer comments, that is just so very dangerous.

p.s. I am MiL and would never ignore my GCs parents wishes.

Namebot · 21/05/2017 19:43

They sound awful. They don't respect your wishes as a mother and are astonishingly ignorant.

IJustGotHitByADeer · 22/05/2017 09:26

I wish I had some advice to offer as DH and I are trying for a baby and I genuinely lose sleep worrying that the PILs will be like this (DH is an only child so all their eggs are in my basket iyswim)

I really hope their horrible behaviour stops soon, it sounds so distressing for you at such a special time FlowersWine

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