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Nothing in common but have to talk with SIL. WWYD

37 replies

Fidoandacupoftea · 12/05/2017 09:57

DB works abroad, asked if we could keep in touch with SIL and DNS. SIL has no family nearby. We talk regularly but it is so boring for me. She is nice but very focussed on every little aspect of her kids life. We can be talking for hours abou little nieces potty training updates or older nieces food allergy updates. I love my nieces but don't need so much detail. I have tried changing topics but any discussions on her part goes back to the kids. She is very sensitive and would be horrified if she knew how I felt. I don't want to say anything as she is on her own while I have a big support network. I really looking for some suggestions on how to keep the conversation going.

OP posts:
user1493022461 · 12/05/2017 11:01

And no, I'm not going to start bothering with boring people. Thanks

I'm sure the boring people are rejoicing at that fact.

Mothervulva · 12/05/2017 11:02

The OP works full time, has kids AND has to spend time having long chats she doesn't enjoy about a child's dairy allergy.
If not the book suggestion, how about a box set from Netflix? That's an easy topic to discuss.

user18349332 · 12/05/2017 11:03

I have tried changing topics but any discussions on her part goes back to the kids. She is very sensitive

A sensitive person would realise they are monopolising the conversation and actually show interest in someone else occasionally.

Interested in this thread?

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Mothervulva · 12/05/2017 11:03

If the cap fits.

Got any actual useful suggestions for the OP user?

user1493022461 · 12/05/2017 11:04

I've given her a far more useful suggestion than you have. Now could you stop talking to me, I'm sure I'm far too boring for you to waste your time on one can only hope

Fidoandacupoftea · 12/05/2017 11:09

She does ask about my kids user18349332, I am just very brief about them as we talk frequently. As I said I am to blame as well as I appear interested, and she has said she is grateful for our conversations. I guess I am looking for coping mechanisms more than anything else. Purplecollar I thinks she is lonely.

OP posts:
Mothervulva · 12/05/2017 11:13

You don't have to answer me you know. And you directed your reply to me first.

OP, hope you find a solution that benefits everyone.

user1493022461 · 12/05/2017 11:17

You seem confused as to why people do nice things for other people, I was trying to help. You're welcome.

Mothervulva · 12/05/2017 11:18

Thanks for your help.

0nline · 12/05/2017 11:29

Here you go. Bookmark that on your phone and have a couple open for when things get sticky and you can't think of anything else to say.

iteslj.org/questions/

I spend my working life getting people (some with very little to say in their own language) to chat in English.

I've been doing this for 26 years, most people do eventually turn out to have interests and opinions, but with some individuals you have to mine harder than usually to get them out.

The best tool you have is your body language. An open, interested expression and stance goes a long way. Any small, facial tip offs that the other person is bored or essentially disinterested will make those less comfortable with sharing their thoughts go into instant hedgehog mode. So practise in front of a mirror if you think she might be picking up on unspoken messages that impact how comfortable she feels with sharing her ideas and opinions beyond the kids.

Just be careful that you add in supplementary questions relating to what was just said, and the odd idea of your own rather than plough through the questions. Cos it can start to feel like an interrogation for the person on the receiving end if you don't.

Also worth bearing in mind... I know your brother wants this, but he may be coming up with "helpful" solutions to a problem she doesn't think she has. She may not be enjoying this anymore than you are. She might be happier with mostly her own company, or at least find her own company better than company that she has little in common with. IYSWIM.

You might both be dreading these sessions for the sake of somebody who had good intensions, but has come up with an idea that allows him to feel better, while the both intended recipient and the good samaritan of his "good deed" are both clock watching and wondering how much longer they can keep a yawn in.

If you have to cancel does she sound genuinely disappointed ? Or is there a hint of politely smothered relief ?

Fidoandacupoftea · 12/05/2017 11:43

Thanks online the list is really interesting. As we are on the phone mostly can't judge body language. She calls if I miss a day and I am always the one to hang up. She is really nice but a boring conversationalist for me. I can suggest any topic under the sun, and will keep trying and it will always revert back to her kids. I don't want to be abrupt with her, just need to cope.

OP posts:
7Days · 12/05/2017 12:25

What about texts and fb. Dipping in and out of whats going on might make things flow a little easier

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