I am 23 years old. I have 2 children ( DS 4 and DD 22 months). I met my DH when I was 18 and together we have been really happy. Only recently I have started feeling low, I blame my mother. We hadn't seen each other since I was 12, the only contact we had together is over the phone and 3 weekend holidays to her place in another country but she has recently moved back to my home town and now things are different. I feel like emotions that should have always been there are now only coming to the surface. I am hurt, angry, confused and obsessing over past events, I feel as if my mental health is deteriorating.
As far back as I can remember I had been a daddy's girl. I would go everywhere with him and even go to work on weekends with him. My sister was more of a mummy's girl and spent all of her time at home. I always had felt second best to my sister and craved my mothers attention but I felt as though I wasn't good enough. When I was around 8 years old it became so much more obvious. My parents changed our schools to a closer one and I didn't settle in. I had no friends and found it quite difficult. I didn't expect home life to change and become so much worse. My mother used to hit us when we were naughty, my sister mocked her and told her she didn't hurt. She confessed it hurt her more than it hurt us so she decided to sit us in time out until my dad was home to do the punishment. It was the 90's and I'm guessing it was the norm because it was the norm for us. After a while my mother started making things up (really odd things) and she would stop me from doing whatever I was doing, she would accuse me then I would have to sit on the stairs until my dad came back from work. Oddly he stopped hitting me though and would dismiss me. That seemed to make things worse, she then decided to use a object to hit me so she wouldn't hurt her own hands, now this is where I noticed things were different between me and my sister. If I had done something (or so my mother would say) she would tell me sister to chose a object to hit me with, it could be a belt, a shoe, whatever she could find around the house. I have even been hit with a football boot! Yet my sister who brought my mothers attention to her being weak would do no wrong. On this occasion my mother accused me of inappropriately touching 2 of my younger cousins, she told me they both had approached her with this information. I was confused because I was so young myself I didn't know what she was talking about. This is the first time my mother had properly physically abused me. I hated my cousins and I didn't want to see to them again, I hated my mother for not believing me. I didn't fully understand what I was supposed to have done. In my bedroom I had got a set of bunk beds, there was a double on the bottom and a single on the top. The stairs had glow in the dark steps and I was completely in love. Unfortunately they creaked, I didn't realise this and it didn't matter to me. Until one morning I was ripped out of my bed and thrown into the bathroom. My mam looked completely disgusted and angry, I had never seen her so mad. Her eyes glazed and she was snarling like a angry dog. She locked the door behind me and pushed me onto the toilet. She told me she knew what I was doing and could hear me, I was confused and begging her. I didn't know what I had done wrong and I was so so scared. She physically abused me and asked again and abused me and asked again and abused me. It seemed to last forever, my skin was red and burning, I knew I was going to get another blow but I couldn't admit to something I didn't know. She gave me a chance out, if I promise not to do it again this wouldn't happen again. I was exhausted and agreed, I still didn't know what I was agreeing to and I didn't know how to change my behaviour to make it right. So this became my routine. The same thing every week morning when my dad had left for work. It didn't get better, I didn't get used to it but I knew it was coming. The school I hated became a break away from home life, one of the teachers even questioned when I was crying one morning and I lied. I don't know why I protected her, I don't know why I let myself stay in that same position and I don't know why they didn't follow it up but that open door of freedom was soon shut again. It didn't take long before I realised the bed creaking played a huge part in my beating so I would try to lay completely still, I wouldn't turn over and I would lay there until morning aching in the same spot. But I would fail and fall asleep, the bed would creak and I would be beaten again the next morning. I hated my bed. My only break from the morning abuse would be if my dad was home. She never abused me when he was there, things were different. My dad became even nicer to us, as if that was possible. I didn't question it, I soaked up the kindness when he was home because I felt like he was the only one who would save me from the abuse, the little time he was home. As I got older I learnt being with my friends meant she wouldn't touch me, in fact she was sickly sweet when people were around so I would always try to have company to have a break from her. She would give us sweet money and we would wander the neighbourhood. Out of the blue my mother decided to go on holiday to my aunties house in Scotland. We drove to Newcastle train station and we waved her off. It was strange her not being around but I loved the peace. Shortly after her return she went away again, my dad said she had gone back to my aunties and we didn't question it. My nana played a huge part in us growing up, we stayed with her when my dad was at work, he came to collect us and told us he had a surprise. We were beyond excited wondering where we were going when we got into the car, we pulled up to the hospital and there was a tree filled with conkers, we asked if we had come for them but we hadn't. We walked into the hospital where we had never been before, we ended up on the woman's mental health ward. The atmosphere was strange, we were seated in the visiting room and my mother appeared with gifts. She was hugging us and talking to us, I was completely confused and I was angry. I didn't know how he could say this was a surprise, he had tricked us in my opinion. Before we knew it she was out again and living back with us asif nothing had happened. When I was 12 years old and it was coming up to Easter my dad went to Belgium. He went as part of my grandads pigeon hobby and promised to pick us up a hand made Easter egg as he did the year before. Him leaving meant I was completely alone with her but this wasn't the worst part. I loved to have the freedom to set my room up the way I liked it and I noticed my things were constantly being put away in drawers. It was odd and I had to keep setting it back up again. One of the days I was walking home from school. My sister ran to me from our street completely freaking out and crying. She told me we were leaving that day to go to Scotland and I laughed her off, we walked back home but she was completely hysterical. I approached my mother and she confirmed it. My whole body turned numb, I questioned her on my dad and she said he would be coming too once he is back from holiday, she said it was a surprise. Even at 12 I felt like things weren't right, I wanted to grab my sister and run to my nana's, but I didn't. I got into the car like she had asked, I had the parrot cage on my knee and I was belted up, that's when she told me my dad wasn't really coming. Fear rushed over me, I should have ran but I sat, hours later we were in Scotland and it was all my fault. We moved in with my mothers sister. They seemed to hate us being in their space and using there things, especially her daughter (the one I was accused of sexually assaulting them years ago). I liked to spend my time with the boys in their room because we did have some nice days, that was until I was accused of being inappropriate with one of them. I had to be alone, that way no one would lie about me and maybe I wouldn't be noticed by my mother. Soon after moving here I was sent to school. They didn't wear uniforms and my auntie would make my packed lunch every day and my mother gave us a little extra money. Instead of being the shy kid like before I found myself being the class clown and I enjoyed the attention. People actually liked wasting there precious time taking to me. One time my mother kept us both off school, she said we had head lice and we wouldn't be going in, we were kept in the back bedroom of the house and were even fed there. We argued we hadn't got them but they insisted we did. We couldn't leave the room under any circumstances. We later found out it was because my dad was in town. This is the first time I knew he was looking for us and knew her address! He was soon gone again though and life continued, I decided to use my sweet money to call home, I had always known my nana's home number and no one else was any of the wiser. Hearing her voice was hard, I wanted to be home. I could stay in contact with them if I didn't treat myself, I kept the contact secret because I knew I would be beaten if my mother found out. After school I would hang around the neighbourhood with my sister. My mother and auntie were busy doing the new house up and my sister needed the toilet, we tried to get into the house but they wouldn't allow us in, my sister pleaded and became quite desperate. She ended up peeing herself in the front garden, she then pleaded with them again but they turned nasty. My auntie shouted that she wouldn't be washing her pissy clothes and they still refused access. We had to wait until later on in the day to be let in so she could clean up. We soon moved into the new house, the house was completely set up looking like our old one with all of our old furniture. Except she didn't bring my bunk beds, my sister climbed into her bed from home but I wasn't allowed to bunk with her. Most likely because she had in her head that I sexually abuse kids. So I got comfy a rug on the floor and threw my coat over myself, I didn't have a proper place to sleep and I didn't even care. After moving in with my mother she forgot we would need to be fed. Sometimes we could go a day or two without a meal but others she would make a meal and then another straight after so we would scoff our faces until we couldn't possibly move. We didn't know if or when we would be fed again. We were out playing with our friends and we came across a farmers field, they grew raspberries here and my friends would take it as a shortcut to there house. They didn't know it but this was a gold mine to us, we would use this field and try to fill up on raspberries on the days my mother didn't feed us. My sister made friends her own age, one kid in particular became her best friend and she would often be fed tea at her house. That was one less problem for me because now it's only myself going hungry. At school my friends would go to the pizza shop for their dinner and I would watch them, they would question why I wasn't eating but I would just say I wasn't hungry, how could I tell them the truth. My mother became very paranoid and wouldn't allow us to talk to certain neighbours because she thought they were in touch with people from our home town. She also accused us of speaking with people from our own town in our head, she was sure we were talking telepathically but I was at a age now I knew to escape from the building. My dad had told me to go straight to the police if anything happened and I did, numerous times. I was brought back in the police car and dropped off at home, I learnt I couldn't trust authorities like my dad had promised me. One time she was sat watching me sleep and I woke up with a strange feeling, she was shouting at me telling me that she knew who I was talking to, I don't know how but I ended up in the care of social services my sister was picked up from school and we waited in a tiny office with multiple brightly coloured post-let notes on the wall. I don't know why but again we were returned back to my mother, maybe I didn't say things right, maybe it was my fault for not being able to protect her again. My mother had been having good days for a little while and she ended up giving me money, I ran to the phone box and called my dad. He told me he was just coming into the town we were living. He was currently fighting for custody and he was coming up for court. I ran home to grab my sister but she was happily baking, as I said my mother had been having some rare good days all in a row and my sister bought into that. I couldn't risk my mother turning again so I didn't waste any time and ran to his location and climbed into his car, he bought me a fruit shoot from the shop and drove to a quite part of town. He asked where I wanted to move and I repeatedly said home with you, he rang my nana for advice and before I knew it we were driving out of Scotland. Police stopped us on the boarder and he was arrested. The hope of finally being free was coming to a end and it hadn't even started yet. I was questioned in a separate room and we were let out hours later, we were arrested by English authorities and I was given the choice of who I wanted to live with. My dad got my my own solicitor the same week and we found for custody of my sister which we were eventually granted.
My mother chose not to have any contact with us from that day. At the age of 14 I found out she had schizophrenia and tried to educate myself, I then decided to contact her at the age of 16. When I turned 17 I was on my way to a friends party. My auntie unexpectedly contacted me and told me my mother had been sectioned. Then at the party my ex boyfriend was touching other girls in front of me to make me jealous. With the cocktail of alcohol and the crap both in one night I tried to commit suicide. I was taken to hospital and my stepmother and dad came, they were both angry and left (obviously upset but I didn't see it that way). I was left feeling like the world hated me and I couldn't even kill myself properly.
At the age of 19 and 20 I traveled to Scotland to see her, I knew she was medicated now and I wanted to try move past things. My sister and partner came with me and I seen the favouritism again and she turned back in her old ways accusing me and making me feel generally shit. Luckily I had my partner with me because I was back to feeling like the vulnerable child I once was so I didn't visit her again. But now she is back to my home town, she is always there. I can't leave her behind and continue with my life, she lives on the corner of my street and it is only now effecting me!