How to deal with a paedophile from my childhood?

[Rose8282]

This is quite a difficult post to write but recently the situation has changed and I don't know what to do. I was sexually abused as a child by a neighbour on our street, a father of two young children who were my friends. It happened on several occasions at his house. I never told anyone at the time, and to this day my parents still do not know. I am now 34, life has moved on. I have only ever told some close friends and my DH about what happened.

My parents still live on the same street- three doors down from said neighbour. The neighbour's children are now grown up, and I have just learnt from my mum that the grown-up son and his wife are expecting a baby in 3 weeks and are currently living with my neighbour and his wife.

I have often contemplated reporting what happened in the last few years, but I know full well this may lead to a court case etc etc and I just don't know if I could go through this. Also, the thought of my parents finding out is so upsetting- they'd be devastated.

I have also always felt some kind of responsibility that if I don't report, then I am potentially leaving other children at risk. Now, this feels the case more than ever, and I feel like a bad person for not doing anything.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks

I think in your heart you know what you have to do. You cannot let another child go through this and that unborn baby is potentially a sitting duck for his behaviour to continue.

It is however an awful situation and not one that is going to be easy to relive but you need to tell the police/social services.
Start by telling your parents, it is not your job to protect them.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I don't agree with pp, it's not your job to protect others, the only person at fault if other children are abused is the abuser. You are the victim. Please seek counselling and then decide if it's right for you to report.

It's your job to do whatever you need to do to feel happy and safe in your life. i agree you should get some counselling before deciding what to do. You need support and advice from someone who is experienced in this area and can listen to all the details.

I've been in a very similar situation, I completely get how you feel 😞
You need to do something about it, I did after my dad remarried and I was concerned about my little sister, as she was starting to stay over at said persons house, it was very tough I can't lie but after it all calmed down the relief was immense. He actually admitted what he had done to me and my older sister so there was no court fortunately. Big hugs for you x

Thanks everyone. I should mention I have had counselling and feel in myself I have dealt with what happened to me, as best as one can I suppose.

I am considering speaking to the police just to see what the protocol would be. If I could file a report anonymously and leave it to them to deal with that would be ideal but my fear is it wouldn't be that simple and I would be opening a very large can of worms.

Ttyehousewife, that sounds like such a tough ordeal, if you don't mind me asking , how were your parents when you told them and how old were you when you first told them?

what a horrible experience for you.

Given this would be child protection, and I am only speculating here, I would imagine Social Services and the Police would be interested even if you did not take it as far as a court case.

For many paedophiles things only eventually get to court after several people have come forward - there is a reasonable chance you are not the only person he has abused. So bringing it up with the Police, even if ultimately you decide not to go ahead may at create a file, plus a safeguarding review for any current children at risk.

About 6 months ago I reported someone who sexually abused me and my sibling and it does look like it will be going to court as he has denied it. If I had known I would have been believed by the police I would have done it years ago. I reported him as I had concerns for young children he had access to but also because he still had contact with my family and I felt there would never be closure which was aggravating my MH issues.
The police interviews were hard but I have never felt not believed and the police have done their up most to investigate it, even though it was over 30 years ago.
You need to do what you are comfortable doing, good luck with whatever you choose to do, no one should judge you harshly if you choose not to.

I prosecute these cases regularly, the police don't need several victims. I would report it to the police and they will video - interview you.

I have been in a situation where I was aware of unacceptable activity with children and reported it to the school, who sacked him. I do not know what else they did in terms of police etc. But I later learned that he was working in a cathedral and had access to the choir boys - I shopped him straight away to the cathedral organist and they sacked him. He then left the country and I informed the relevant embassy of my concerns.

It was very difficult as I did not have direct proof, only the info my DD gave me about his behaviour towards the boys in the school. But suspicion seemed to me to be sufficient to act on where the welfare of children is concerned.

It must be so hard for you; but the protection of children has to come first. Take courage.

Sorry - in case my posting was misunderstood. I meant if you didn't want to go to court your coming forward would be helpful if someone else came forward later (and might prompt someone else to do so if they became aware of him not having contact with children after Social Services involvment for example)

I didn't mean that several victims would be necessary for a successful prosecution - one case is enough if you did want to go ahead but that is entirely your decision.

Thanks all, this is really helpful. I was thinking the same, Hulder, that filing a report with the police would at the very least mean that if there were any other reports or somebody else comes forward there would be more basis to take it further. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking I know.

Also wanted to add, the initial phone call I made to the police was the scariest thing I had ever done, and I probably wouldn't have done it without my husband's urging and support, just as we are here to support you. However I cannot believe the sense of relief I got once I had told someone, it really was as though a physical weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Our abusers condition us as children to "do as we are told" and "no one will believe you", and we take that conditioning right the way through to adulthood. I couldn't fight back and protect myself or others when I was a child but I feel I can do it now.

Marking place to read later - similar situation to you op and I am also confused as to what to do

I was twelve when a respected member of our church, free evangelical, groomed my parents to allow me to spend weekends helping him do up his caravan. Distance meant I had to stay overnight.

My first orgasm was the big fat slob (truly he was fat) masturbating me.

Untold damage to my mind and certainly my sex life.

I thought I'd got over it but as the years went by it was obvious I hadn't.

My attitude to sex (must be sinful) certainly didn't help my first marriage but was fortunate to meet someone later who, without realising what had happened, helped me a lot. We've been together nearly forty years and it was only three years ago I told her, that darkness went that deep.

OP, I can't give advice. All I know is I couldn't bring it out into the open because of the sense of guilt and sin, even though I'm no longer a Christian.

What to do? All I can do is say what I did, which was nothing and hope by others posting you feel support you in your decision. I feel for you.

My parents were great actually which surprised me as they are very cold normally but helped loads. I was 22 when I finally told them. Mum said she had a feeling at the time that something felt "off" but couldn't put her finger on what and had never considered what he had actually done. I like you had had counselling privately a couple of years earlier and felt I had dealt with it. The police were great and massively supportive, most of the paperwork was done at my home. Due to the fact that I opened up my sister did too and she had been burying it for years and was relieved to finally speak about it. I think it actually brought us all closer together. My parents were obviously gutted as they felt they hadn't protected us both but overall were just glad we felt we could be honest and get him dealt with. I'm so glad I did now, I feel at peace that he can't do it to anyone else. (He died shortly after he was charged and dealt with)