Horrible in laws

[shesaidhello1]

I think I really need to vent. My in laws hate me. And I just don't know why. I've been married 4 months and since the day I met my mother in law she's always been very up front and abrupt in the way she speaks. She's like this with everybody and my FIL, BIL, SIL are all the same. They say horrid things about me to the grand kids, who all love me by the way, and tell me the things they are saying. We've recently gone kind of NC after a big row between my DH and them when he tried to stick up for me. They kicked him out of the house and called him soft and how he's wrapped around my little finger. Which he isn't, he just loves me and hates seeing me upset. I just don't know what I've done to them and keep thinking if I had never met DH I would not have to go through this. It's really getting me down and I feel like I'm losing control and becoming resentful towards DH who I know doesn't deserve this too, he's struggling with discovering how horrible his parents actually are. We've just had a huge row because he said I should try and ignore it but I just can't understand how people can be so horrid and truly evil to say such terrible things about me

Pick tomorrow as the day you stop giving them head space.
They don't have to be a part of your life. Tell you dh he is welcome to visit them but you won't be. . And they aren't welcome in your home as no way should you be insulted and abused in your own home. Tell your dh you respect if he wants contact with them and in return he can respect you don't.

Agree to not mention them at home and enjoy your marriage. .

Thank you for replying. You're right, I shouldn't let them take up any head space but I find myself getting stupidly upset about it all. DH doesn't want to maintain contact at all but his siblings (who are very lovely) are basically saying we both should learn to how to manage these comments and just realise that in laws are old and temperamental and unsupportive. But in other words 'get over it'. I probably sound very naive but I had no idea some parents could be so destructive and uncaring. I grew up with conservative, strict but very loving parents. I just don't understand how they can be so horrible about someone they barely even know. DH is awesome but no matter what, I know it upsets him as they are still his parents..

I agree with op, my i laws are horrid and we haven't spoke on 1.5 years. The thing is you have to learn to ignore them for the sake of you and dp relationship. Definitely stay away from them and let him see them without you. The more you bitch about them the more your dp and yourself will fight about it trust me I know from experience.

It's very difficult but try and be the bigger person

Hi shesaidhello,

re your comment:-

"DH doesn't want to maintain contact at all but his siblings (who are very lovely) are basically saying we both should learn to how to manage these comments and just realise that in laws are old and temperamental and unsupportive"

They were once young, temperamental and unsupportive as well; they've always acted like this to an extent.

Follow your DHs lead here if he does not want to maintain contact at all. And as for them saying to you that you should learn to manage these comments and ignore it, well that's utter crap and unhelpful. They are not the ones on the receiving end of same and his siblings are not being lovely at all here. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, family are no different.

Your DH is in very much a FOG state with regards to his parents (fear, obligation and guilt) and still seeks their approval - approval which they will never give him.

You have not done anything to them; its not your fault that they are like this and you did not make them this way. Their own families of origin did that to them.

I would also ignore his siblings as they are acting in the role of flying monkeys; i.e. acting only in their own self interest and to maintain their own position in their family's overall dysfunction. They have not considered their brother or you whatsoever in their comments so they should be roundly ignored.

Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Point your DH in the direction of the "Out of the FOG" website; that should enlighten him further.

My DP does seek approval from them that's for sure. And I feel horrible for him when they shoot down some good news he's given them, or act uninterested if it's not something they can show off to other people about. With regards to the siblings - they also come under scrutiny and horrid comments but over the years have either come to ignore it or grown some very thick skin! At the same time, it's still their parents so I guess they feel a certain kind of loyalty which I really don't. Some of the comments I've been present for towards the siblings have had me literally saying wow (e.g.) having a go at BIL for still being childless after 20 years of marriage. BIL and wife can't conceive full term and have had many miscarriages but they see that as a failing. I mean how can you say those things to your own son?!
I might take a look at that book thank you. I just feel very sad they're like this and would struggle allowing any potential children to be around such a toxic environment. It's just that going NC is so against the norm, that we would definitely be seen as the awkward ones, but especially me as the horrid wife.
To a previous poster - how did you finally go NC? Do you not see them at all? How about at family gatherings i.e. Weddings and funerals etc? I know we will never be able to go fully NC, nobody around us would allow it

My dp has a small family so there is no funeral/weddings to attend really. His family talked bad about us to the rest of his cousins who proceeded to believe mil and they don't talk to us.

We fell out over something silly and no one made the first move to sort it out. I felt that as dp always made the first move in the past it is now mil turn to be the parent and talk to her son. And because of this 1.5 years have past with not even a text because of her stubborness. But I'm rather glad as mil & her side kick dil caused us so much stress over the ten years always fighting with us. She is definitely a narcissist so you can't win with her.

My dc is ping and won't know or miss he drama she caused and guess what she also blames me for everything over the years not her precious son. I've been through it so long that I actually don't care anymore my life is so much better without her drama in it.

In your case in regards to wedding funerals just you don't go and send dp. It might take him a while to realise what way his mum is as obviously at the moment as pp said he will still want to sort things out. It took my dp 4 years and many many fights for it to click in his head and not we are both a force to be reckoned with when it comes to her.

I haven't even though about it she try's to get in contact again I mean if she Does then dp can do what he likes but it's not my family and so I won't be dealing with it as life's too short