I want children but have terrible parents. Is this realistic in life?

[Kella1092]

Right, I'm always on mums net as I love it for all sorts of advice. I currently work in childcare and am new in teaching in a school in spain.

I met someone here and the relationship is getting serious. I love children and want to have my own one day.. the problem is... I had quite a bad childhood and a rough time growing up.

Now I can appreciate what I'm saying, people may not be able to say or do anything to help my situation but I'm hoping maybe someone has some advice or may be in a similar situation and knows how difficult it is.

My mum's an alcoholic and was really nasty and abusive to me all the way until I left home at 18. I havnt had contact with her since. My dad also has issues and becomes quite violent and nasty if we get into an argument to. I'm forever in and out of contact with him.

As if it isnt hard enough he won't contact me and I'm terrified that if I have children, he won't want to know them... I would never want them to feel rejected or unloved the way I did. It would kill me. I'm not sure it would be a bright idea to have kids without support like that. I just think of all the questions that would be raised and just have the feeling that it wouldn't be enough for a child.

I wouldn't dream of ever getting into contact with my own mother for the sake of children if I had kids after what she did to me. And I'm not saying it for my sake I'm saying it because I'd never let anyone near a child knowing what they did to hurt a child in the past.

I just feel so sad this is the reality of it and what I can do. Do you think anyone had ever decided not to have children because of something like this?

I do think that those who have survived toxic childhoods do worry a great deal about the type of parent they will make. Never having a role model for good parenting does make you doubt yourself.

Speaking from my own experience, I had great anxiety when my children were young. I loved them so intensely. I could not understand why my own mother treated me with and my brother with such cruelty. The feeling of worthlessness made me think that, inevitably they would not like me once they grew to teenagers and into adults.

This made me determined to be the very best mother I could. I did not get it right all the time however, I am rewarded by having kids with no anxieties who are good loving parents themselves. Even now that they are in their 40s, we have a close relationship built on kindness and respect.

It is possible to break the cycle but only by excluding the GP S from contact with your children and learning the lessons of things you should never do and say.

I think the cycle of abuse can continue if each generation just thinks that what they experienced is 'normal' and unthinkingly replicates it. Even if they are/were miserable, it takes insight to realise that there is another way of doing things.

It sounds like you have a lot of insight. You can do it differently. You can keep your children away from both of your parents if you think their presence will harm them. You can find support in other ways.

You can do it

My main concern here is that you are worried that your children might feel "rejected and unloved" by a violent and nasty man ( your father)
Why on earth would you want them to have anything to do with him?
My father was awful and it wasn't until I was pregnant that I got the courage to go no contact with him, I decided that there was no way any child of mine was going to put up with his crap.
Learn from the mistakes your parents made and be determined that they won't be allowed to treat their grandchildren the way they treated you.
Also, no family is much better than a horrible one.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. We went NC with FIL a couple of years ago after the final straw. The kids don't feel rejected or unloved by him in the slightest - almost like they have faith in us to make the right decision for them. They remember him but never ask to see him and have recently started asking why he was such a mean man (we've tried not too let too much get within earshot of them, he's done that himself!). You sound like you'll be an amazing mum :)

My mother is also an alcoholic. Like you, I have not seen her since I was 18. My father also has issues with drink, but he is getting help. He is not perfect, by any means (Who is?) but we have a relationship. What your children don't have, they won't miss. I too have doubts about my parenting skills. I constantly worry but then I also realise that I know what I don't want to do - and that is be my mother. She was a terrible mother, drunk, selfish, never kept me safe, let alone loved. She drank while pregnant with me and as a result I had to be weaned off alcohol as a newborn. I have made a conscious decision to get help over the last six years and break the chain my parents made. Being pregnant, it has given me the strength to stand up and say what matters, for my baby. If you love someone and the logical next step is babies and motherhood, then do not be afraid to go for it. If your father is that bad, then you will find the strength to cut him out. This is your life, your choice. Don't let your so called parents overshadow your decisions and how you feel. Someone once said to me years ago, that you can only blame other people for your past for so long, before taking control and changing things. I believe that. You are doubting yourself on your parents abilities. Believe in you and make the life you want. You are all that matters right now xx

I think you are very aware of the issues you do not want inflicted on your child- so I actually think that will make you a very good and thoughtful parent

History doesn't have to repeat itself.

I really wouldn't worry too much. My grandparents were horrible nasty people to all 5 of their children. violence and alcohol played a part. I heard nothing good about them and I heard a lot over the years about how they were. I vaguely remember my grandad but he wasn't interested in me.

It never bothered me or my brother because we had a close relationship with my immediate family. We also had other relatives who loved us.

One of their children never had kids themselves and the other child had a kid who's severely Autistic. They are both in their 60s now and will never be grandparents but they are an amazing great Aunt to my Son. I look at them and think how lovely they are and that I'm happy they turned out the way they are despite their troubled parents.

It absolutely does not make you a bad mother and they probably might not change for your children if they didn't change for you xxx

I had a horrible childhood, abusive mother (adoptive mother), my birth mother was neglectful so was put into care at 5.
I went NC when I left home, well I say i went NC, I came home for xmas from uni and was told I shouldn't come home any other holidays.
Met DH who has a lovely close family who opened me with open arms (found out I was going to be spending xmas alone and insisted I go to them - had only been with DH a month at that point!)
When I got pregnant with my first i decided after much soul searching that my child 'deserved' to know and have a relationship with his grandmother.
Well 5 years later I went NC again after several years of bullshit, I decided my children didn't need or deserve her crap. They have plenty of people in thier lives who love them and they aren't any worse off for it.
My adoptive dad buggered off when I was 12 as my mum had an affair. Seen him sporadically over the years as he is abroad, he's never met DS2 who is 6 though.

What I've found hardest is coming to terms with my feelings, my kids have a great life and great parents and the extended family they have are great but I struggle with my feelings of sadness and loss that I didn't have that growing up.

What are your future parents in law like? I know a few people with disfunctional parents (or those that have passed away) who are naturally drawn to a partner with a very stable family.
This is me to some extent. I get a huge amount of support from my parents in law.