Can't find a way out of this

[happybeeisgoingcrazy]

I am on maturity leave and due to go back to work in may. The thought of going back leaves me filled with anxiety and panicking. I am suffering with pnd and I think that is having an impact. I have spoken to my work place and they will not allow me to go part time. I am expected to return to work 8am -6pm Monday-Friday. I needed to use all my sick leave last year because of my pregnancy so the doctors suggestion of going sick and then having a phased return is making me think about it but I know my employer would not be happy. The only reason I didn't loose my job last time was I was protected by pregnancy. I also can't find a new job because if I leave I would need to pay back my maternity pay. Hubby says I should just take all my sick leave and then when I'm no longer entitled to it leave the job. I can't do that. The stress is so bad that I have lost massive amounts of hair and is affecting my eating. I have started getting more OCD type symptoms and can imagine trying to teach a class of 30 children when I have to check everything about 10 times just to leave the house to get a bottle of milk from the shop across the road. It took me 2 hours yesterday. I know they say once the mess start working this will be easier but I can't see how. I just don't know what to do.

Oh dear sorry OP. I am on maternity leave and I work with children too. So stressful to think about going back.
You mentioned you used your sick leave last year but pregnancy related sick days are not counted as sick days.

How long do you have to go back for in order for you to keep the money?

If you are this stressed I would consider hetting signed off.

You have to think about yourself OP. It does sound like the PND is lingering and I just think you need to take care of yourself at this point.

So sorry you are going through this

If you go back, how long are you allowed to do (in order to not have to pay back any maternity leave) before you can leave?

Im wondering if there are any other jobs around that you can apply for?

How awful for you OP, I was a teacher until 2years ago when I was very much how you describe yourself. I was under so much stress and pressure, including that that I put on myself! It made me really ill in the end and I left without another job lined up. I ended up doing some tutoring and nannying before becoming a childminder, as a teaching degree is very appealing to some parents. It took at least 6 months before I felt good, and in that time I realised I had been having other stress symptoms I wasn't even aware of until they stopped. If there is a way out then you need to take it, no job or career is worth this. Perhaps you need to speak to a union or personnel dept to see how things stand with mat pay etc, but you def need to try for sure X

Have just reread your post and urge you to take Drs advice re sick leave then phased return (or leave completely). Please don't worry about your employer not liking it, your health and family must come first. If you end up leaving you may never need to see your employer again, I did everything via email in the end as it was all I could manage, please PM me if you want more advice xx

You will be surprised what 3 months can do for your health. I'd just try to stop thinking about it now. Maybe put a date in your diary (late April) to start to revisit your options. You may feel 100 times better by then.

Are you teaching in a state school? Is it an academy? In my LA you have to go back for 3 months or re-pay part of maternity pay (12 weeks half pay), but that can include summer holidays, so if you went back in May, you'd presumably just need to work til the end of term and could hand notice in to finish Aug 31st?

Sounds really hard, are you in a union? Can you get advice from them about your request for flexible working?

Also, if it's an LA school, going back to a different school within the same authority shouldn't affect your mat pay, as it's still the same employer - that's what I did after my first.

If your health is not good, definitely see you GP -are you interested in getting counselling/therapy at all? I know mental health funding is bare bones at the moment, so it might be virtually impossible, but may be worth pursuing? I hope you are able to get help with your anxiety.

My school became an academy last month so I will have to go back at least 3 months. The new head (old deputy head) alway had a habit of "joking" that mothers were the worst employees. He "joked" about how I finally decided I wasn't to fragile to return to work after I had been hospitalised with hyperemesis.

Thank you all for being so understanding. It can be hard to see clearly when your head is such a mess.

Tbh your head sounds like a prat, you def shouldn't worry about doing what you need to do. It would be worth contacting your union re sick leave and having to pay back maternity pay as you may not need to if you go sick through your notice period x