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Original poster

My daughter is going to stay with daddy :(

56 replies

pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 16:00

This is so hard to even write but I'm wanting advice as I've found my self in a horrible position. My eldest child is 6 years old, I have a 3 year old from a new relationship and another on the way. Me and my 6 year olds dad split up when she was very tiny, so she has always lived with me and seen daddy every now and then, now she sees him every weekend but over the months has absolute meltdowns whenever she comes home. She is a difficult child and always has been. But I'm her mummy and I love her unconditionallying. She is in trouble at school almost every day now, aswel as being absolutely awful at home.

She tells me she hates me and wants to live with daddy. She trashes her bedroom and is nasty to her brother. I find my self in tears and asking her why she is so angry at me and all she will say is I want daddy.
Yesterday she was in so much trouble at school that they actually removed her from the class! The new class teacher said her behaviour in ther wasn't good either. I left school feeling ashamed! Upset and in disbelief! I messaged her daddy. Told him exactly what has been going on. He then said he would come and get her for a week, take her to school and see if it made a difference. I told her this and she was estatic.

We went to meet him with all her school things and handed her over.
Its for a week but I'm terrified she will want to stay there.
It's awful for me because we didn't get on, he was vile to me which was why I left and put me through years of hel when I did leave. I'm worried that he isn't a good role model although he is a good weekend daddy... he's still living with his dad. She dosnt have her own room she has to sleep with him in his bed.

What do I do? What would you do?
I went to live with my grandparents as a child and grew up determined that I would keep all of my children. I was abandoned by both of my parents.

How do I do what's best for her when I just want her at home with me.

She has had a better day at school today which suggests I did the right thing but this also tells me she isn't happy with me at home. And this is devastating to me.

Has anybody been through anything like this? To make matters worse I lost a child 2 years ago, we had ago little girl who was born extremely poorly and died. I can't bear the thought of losing another one. Sad

Sorry some of this dosnt make sense I have predictive text which just makes up words

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 01/02/2017 16:41

Wow harsh replies.

Sounds like over the past 6 months things have declined? Is that after she started year 1? Could it be the pressure at school is too much?

I think going to dads for a week as giving you both a break is actually a good idea short term. She may realise herself the grass isn't greener. But I do think long term you need a plan with school and to see the GP.

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 16:41

Her triggers are being told no! And that's basically it, when she dosn't get her own way she will scream lash out and say mean things.

At school it's generally when she's been told to be quiet, she will say no, or say I don't care.
Punishmens don't work on her. She will go to the naughty step and stamp and scream where she will then be moved to her bedroom and then she will trash it.
School said the same. She dosnt respond to punishments only to rewards and praise. I do need to add as I keep trying to say the issues with her were present way before ANY THING happend in our lives, as a 6 month old baby she would crawl round and round in circles screaming ands loud as she could. All my friends would joke and she's so crazy, she's very Clever, she excels in all her actual school work, PE and reading especially

OP posts:
Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 16:41

i think you should push some of this on the school to get her a referral to CAMHS personally. They don't seem to be offering anything by way of help. Your DD has had a lot of change in her life, the loss of a sibling and the new one on the way - do you think she's worrying the new one will be poorly too? Or she may just be worried about more change. Can you find a way to carve out any special 'mummy & me' time before the new one arrives? Maybe she needs special attention and a predictable routine? You're not going to lose her, you're her mum.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds 6 year olds Families
Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 16:43

Yeah I was never ever pulled into the class I reception and when she was at nursery I would ask them and they would always say she was fine. But since year one I am having o have words every night after school. I know tell me about it (harsh replies)

OP posts:
Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 16:44

do the school have any explanation? I wonder if she's struggling to keep up with the work this year? Go see her teacher and ask them what they're doing to help manage her behaviour. Don't feel ashamed, they are supposed to be experts at dealing with complex behaviours.

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 16:45

I went for my scan on Monday and the first thing she saI'd was "is baby alive" :'( we are very close and every night before bed we talk about her sister and how the new baby won't have the same problems and how things will be ok this time. She dosnt seem too fased by it but I do believe the whole experience of losing a sister and seeing everything happen was too much for a 4 year old. None of us have had any offer of any help ever. I have to stress this, we're all pretty desperate for help but I just don't know where to go for this

OP posts:
Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 16:46

ah pixie my dd always puts on her game face in tough situations but she may be experiencing a sub conscious level of worry about you and the baby. You have to push your GP, and the school. Don't take any fobbing off from them, you should've had better help for the loss of a child.

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 16:48

pixie we lost a close family member when my DD was 3 and she talks about him a lot, we don't go a week without her mentioning him and she's 6 now. These things are really hard for anybody but very hard when you're small.

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 16:48

No they just keep asking me why she's like it. And I say the same thing over and over we've all been through a lot as a family but it's just the past few months that her behaviour is spiralling out of control. I can cope with her being naughty at home sometimes but when it's every day at home and school this is why I know she needed to go to daddys for a bit to have a breather. I don't think I did the wrong thing despite how many people are trying to tell me otherwise. I'm very stressed myself with the while situation and feel it is the best thing right now. I know she loves me I know she will be back.

OP posts:
Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 16:50

i can't see a week with her other parent is a big deal. I think you do need to find a way to challenge the school though, keep asking them what they are doing to help her behave better and whether they think she needs a referral. I'd go to the GP and say you're worried the pregnancy is making her behave like this because of what happened last time and demand them to refer you too.

Wumpychoo · 01/02/2017 16:50

If you see the GP they should be able to advise what help is available. I got help from CAMHs for my dd via the GP when she developed a problem

Wumpychoo · 01/02/2017 16:53

Also the book Divas and Dictators is great for working on behaviour. The guy who wrote it runs a school for children excluded from other schools and he knows his stuff. It's an easy read and he starts off with positive methods.

Slimmingsnake · 01/02/2017 16:59

I've had a similar situation in my life....I can see it's very hard for you...I'm wondering if she is pushing you away to see if you will leave her as her dad has done...kids always want the parent they can't be with...my friend has this problem with her child...I'm not sure you've done the right thing letting her go for a week...I would of tried to keep everything the same as much as possible and got as much help as possible from gp and school,looking at possible ADHD ...also she's gone through a lot in her small life,new parent,new babies and yr poor child who didn't make it ..horrendous for you💐But also horrendous for her....they do say ,the ones that push you away the most ,need love the most....see this week ,as a week to recharge yr batteries,speek with the school,get as much advice as possible,get good routines in place for when she comes home.keeping everything the same and keeping her feeling safe and secure..try yr home school link worker ,ours is fantastic,and yr health visitor as you have younger siblings she will help too. Good luck xx

notangelinajolie · 01/02/2017 16:59

OP, my heart is breaking for her and you. You are trying your best but I think it's time to speak to the professionals. She sounds like she is a very distressed little girl at the moment. And I don't think a week at her Dad's is a problem if it calms her down - it's got to be better than seeing her in the state she is at the moment. Can you arrange a meeting in school to discuss this properly? And get a GP appointment asap and request a CAHMS referal.

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 17:01

Ok yeah that's what I will do tomorrow thankyou
As for the new baby, she is realy realy exited. I what your saying about her being under pressure or jelous but I personally don't believe that is the case. She always says she wants her sister back and asks if the new baby will be able to come home and play (baby sister was never able to) she then is realy happy when I say yes!

OP posts:
happyfrown · 01/02/2017 17:03

I can relate a little, my middle son asked to live with his dad last summer. we have a hard relationship, he isn't happy with me. his dad lives in a shared house so is saving for a deposit for his own place to have ds.

its not a nice feeling and I feel like ive failed, BUT when I was young I would of jumped at the chance to live with my dad. so I know how his emotions are everywhere - being somewhere you don't want to be.
he might be there a while and see grass aint greener and come back, but at least he will have the chance to see if it makes him happy.

not quite the same as your situation, but I understand how you must feel.

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 17:04

I know all too well. When I was a child I wanted my mum but she didn't want me, I had fab grandparents but I didn't want to live with them I always wanted my mum, so I do understand, this is why I've let her go, also so she can see she still has to go to school, daddy usually only has her always weekends where they get to have fun , so I thought maybe she thinks daddys house is for fun and mine is for going to school. I'm defo going to push for some councilling.

OP posts:
HarryTheHippo · 01/02/2017 17:16

You talk about hearing about her behaviour in terms of "shame" and "upset". I'm sure that's a natural response, and I do know its hard, but I'm wondering if while she's away you might want to work on how you're responding.

If she is having to be removed from class acknowledge your feelings but try to think in terms of how distressed your child must be that she is acting out like this. I don't think you need to feel shame, but instead try and work with the school to get her the help she most desperately needs. Is there anyone who works with small groups for emotional literacy, or a pastoral worker she can see one on one? This might be quicker for now while you are awaiting help through the GP?

Basically while you have a weeks breathing space I'd try to think about how you can overcome your initial anger at her and work on ways to support her - list the people you need to speak to, think about places to get help, alternative ways to support her at home when she is overwhelmed. Ways to remind yourself in the thick of things that she is a distressed child needing to know she is loved and supported and needs to learn ways to deal with her emotions.

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 17:17

It's hard not too get upset when ive asked for advice and what would you do but instead I get back "wow you made that desision easily" Im heartbroken that she WANTS to go stay there for a week, not upset that she has gone , usually there would be a reason for it, this reason is because she dosnt want to be with me (in my mind) and this is realy upsetting. Maybe I didn't make that clear in my origional post.. but people just seem too assume things!
Yes maybe it is calmer at her dad's, I'll never know because I'm never there. He does spoil her on weekends and also buys loads of sweets. I don't let her have many and she always says this is unfair and that I am horrible.
Also dad offerd to come and get her, when I want him to help out with this , I'd of been silly to say no and just deal with it on my own.

OP posts:
happyfrown · 01/02/2017 17:18

same here, my mum was still is stone cold and heartless, I loved seeing my dad weekends and dreaded going home. sadly my dad didn't want us full time. when we got put into temp foster care mum only took us back cos no one in the family wanted to take us, we would of gone into permanent care. tho I wish that happened rather than going home!

is there a way you can shared custody? so instead of only weekends is it possible to stay at your 3 days, dads 4 days etc

Original poster
pixiehollow · 01/02/2017 17:21

I felt ashamed of corse, but that dosnt mean she knew that. She held my hand and skipped out of school like everything was perfect. I'm going to delete this because for some reason, people are assuming things that arnt actually relevant, thankyou for all the helpful comments,

OP posts:
TataEs · 01/02/2017 17:25

i think she's probably subconsciously worried about the baby. or maybe just the impact on her. i assume with a poorly baby for 16 you were quite preoccupied, not to mention the grieving after, and she may be subconsciously protecting herself by trying to remove herself from the situation... i.e. being with daddy.

contrary to popular belief here i think you did the right thing. you child is unhappy, they have told you why and how to fix it, and you have acted on that. you are not being dictated to you are merely acknowledging how she feels and allowing her father to offer more support.
i think it's nice that your ex is so willing to step up, many would not, and mn is famous for 'kids and chores are equally the mans responsibility' unless of you're separated, then heaven forbid he takes on equal responsibility by stepping up when his child and his ex need him to, no that's just the OP being lazy Hmm

i hope this week helps settle her OP, tho i suspect she may not settle down until baby is safely here.

i think the suggestions to approach your gp to discuss her behaviour and ask for a referral would be a good start.

HarryTheHippo · 01/02/2017 17:26

What is it you want us to say? I was trying to help :(

Chathamhouserules · 01/02/2017 17:36

I think you did the right thing. Especially since she's used to going to her Dad's for a week. Like someone else said take this week to try and destress, make a list of people to contact for help - gp, cruse bereavement helpline who I would hope can help. Do you have. local children's centre or similar? Our ones have advice centres for tricky behaviour. And when she comes home, pick your battles and lots of cuddles which I'm sure you do anyway. And just keep saying to the school, yes she's been through a lot but she's always been a bit like this so please can you offer some advice because I'm out of ideas. They are there to help.
I think maybe if she was a bit highly strung as a baby then maybe she's reacted quite badly too everything, so it's a bit of both. Good luck! You sound like a lovely caring mum and she is very lucky to have you.

Graphista · 01/02/2017 18:12

www.sands.org.uk/about-sands/who-we-are

Amazing organisation.

www.cruse.org.uk/children/how-to-help

www.winstonswish.org

www.nhs.uk/nhsengland/aboutnhsservices/mental-health-services-explained/pages/about-childrens-mental-health-services.aspx - access via gp or school usually.

You'll also have a health visitor they may be able to guide you to support too.

When I said she was dealing with 3 siblings I meant her brother, the sibling you lost and the sibling on the way. Since that post you've also said there's another brother at dads. That's a lot of change and she's probably feeling overwhelmed.

Also parenting classes might help, maybe new ideas on managing behaviour but also so you know you're not alone in having a parenting situation that's challenging.