He always goes through my phone!?

[RainbowsandLemonDrops]

I've NC'ed but i'm a regular.

Basically, my DP goes through my phone quite a lot. The first few weeks of us dating he said he saw messages from another guy when I was 'drunk' - I didn't really believe it as the messages were old and you had to scroll to the bottom of WhatsApp to see them.

A few weeks ago, he ordered me a Xmas present at a store you have loyalty points with and put my e-mail in to get additional points. A few days later, he said oh I went into your e-mail to see if they'd ruined my surprise for you.

I know he went through it last night, I went into the shower and my phone was moved and opened on a page (whatsapp) to what I left it in which was RightMove.

It doesn't bother me, I have nothing to hide. I just find it a bit intrusive. I've never cheated or given him reason not to trust me.

WWYD?

Rainbows I don't like the idea of changing my PIN, we have an open relationship

Having a new PIN doesn't somehow cast a slur on the quality of your relationship! Boundaries are as valid for adults as they are for children and it's perfectly normal to have some things you don't share for whatever reason. That doesn't make your r'ship "closed" or bad. Just normal.

whatthese You've made a good point, he won't go into my handbag/open my letters either so why is this different? i'll mention this when I talk to him.

I'll talk to him tonight, he's not a shouty angry type person so it won't end in a disagreement, he'll respect my wishes and i'll be wishing I said something sooner.

Controlling people are not that worried about you seeing their stuff. It's just they need to constantly 'police' people they care about. Say nothing, just change the pin on your phone.
Controlling people can be very nice and loving. But also very 'needy' and this 'neediness' can turn into being obsessed with the other person and not allowing them any breathing space.
If you go for a coffee with someone is he texting you using an 'excuse' to ask you a question like 'have you seen the plug for the ipad' type of thing. Checking up on you.

I haven't said anything to him yet. I've thought about it I might just change the PIN and say nothing, see how long it takes him to realise and then bring up the fact I don't like it.

No he doesn't check up on me, he's the opposite. We'll exchange a couple of messages throughout the day and if i'm going to be home late because i'm meeting a friend/going out with colleagues he'll reply something along the lines of 'ok, i'll leave you to get on with your evening. Have fun and i'll see you when you're home. I wont get another message until i'm home.

Think it really is a case of him needing reassurance. I won't make excuses for him though, regardless of me having anything to hide or not it isn't on.

Scrolling through your WhatsApp is totally out of order. I'm afraid I'd be really pissed off. I'll show stuff on my phone, the DH shows me his, but I wouldn't dream of looking at his phone unless he offered it to me. That will become annoying.

I've changed my PIN. He hasn't noticed yet or if he has he hasn't mentioned anything...

Whilst it does seem a bit odd I'm surprised by the comments labeling this as controlling given the number of threads on MN where wend advise monitoring their husbands phones.
In answer to the original question perhaps you need a discussion with each other about trust.

Women not wend!

Advice to monitor phones is given when the husband is being shady as fuck and the wife needs evidence of cheating. Not to randomly check partners' phones for no reason.

Ah! But from the op's other halves point of view that appears to be case... even if not the actual case. It's just highlighting a double standard.

How do you know that engineer? You haven't spoken to op's dp, so you don't know that he is suspicious that she is cheating. He might just be a nosey fucker. When a woman posts they say their reasons for being suspicious and people respond to that.

Bollocks engineer, gaslighting bollocks

I'm not justifying the op's dp, but if the roles were reversed and it was a women doing the snooping get there would be only too many women supporting her. The op post actually says that her dp was suspicious so its not so far different.
Why do you feel it's OK to be so arrogant and offensive in your reply when I'm only pointing out a comparison? You don't have to agree with my comparison but why accuse me of 'gaslighting'?

face to face would be better

My Dh does this periodically. It dosnt bother me. We were both married before and we both messed around.
I would never go through his phone as I am just not the jealous type but I know my Dh feels insecure at times. Id just let him get on with it If it dosnt bother you and just ignore it.

I don't think he suspects I'm cheating, more that he is a nosey fucker and to a certain extent needs a little bit of reassurance.

I also thinks it's an element of he genuinely doesn't see anything wrong with having a snoop because if I wanted to, I could do that to his phone although I wouldn't.

I'm still yet to bring the conversation up, we're away for his birthday and I don't want anything to dampen that. I will have the conversation when I'm home.

patricia it's reassuring to know we're sort of in the same boat. It doesn't bother me that he has a look as such more why does he feel the need to? And why doesn't he tell me?

Not had any questions about the change of PIN just yet