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Original poster

Should I keep my baby :(

16 replies

Girlhelp123 · 08/01/2017 03:26

It's taken a lot for me to write this so please be nice with your replys.

3 years ago I met my partner and unknown to me he had a cocaine addiction. He went through rehab and the past year or so he has been fine. 5 weeks ago I found out I was expecting a baby (already have 6 year old to previous relationship)and we were so happy. Over the past couple of days I have noticed the cocaine taking is back :( of course I know in my heart I would be stupid to bring a baby into this but I am already so in love with this baby that I can't bare to think of abortion. I want the baby so much but I also don't want to be on my own with 2 children on my own as I know if it escalated any further I'd have to end the relationship. Your opinions would be much appreciated. Thank you

OP posts:

Primaryteach87 · 08/01/2017 03:30

My best advice would be..
Keep the baby. Leave him now and ask him to go to rehab.
Best case scenario he is clean and able to be a dad when baby arrives, worst case you are a single mum who adores her kids.

You really don't sound like you want a termination.

Littlelostdinosaur · 08/01/2017 03:33

Congratulations on your pregnancy. The fact that you are happy about it says to me that you should keep the baby or you'd likely always regret it.
Sorry you're dealing with addiction. Has he sought help? Does he admit he has a problem?

My thoughts are that the addiction will either be overcome or not, so you can make a decision about how to deal with that at the relevant time. But if you terminate the pregnancy you can never change that decision.

I know there are lots of women on here with experience of being single parents and although it is a terrifying thought (I have two under three but not single parent) it is manageable and ultimately you could
End up a single parent with your existing child anway if he doesn't get help and you leave regardless of this baby.

Hope you find the answer. Sorry if this is a bit inarticulate - no sleep!

Original poster

Girlhelp123 · 08/01/2017 03:42

Your right! I really want this baby, the only thing putting doubts in my mind is that my relationship is going to fail. He's told me today it will stop and every part of me is hoping it will but i really don't think it will as addiction is so powerful. I can't sleep with all this in my head and I'm so angry at him as he is ruining our happiness. Thank you for you advice xxx

OP posts:

CakesRUs · 08/01/2017 03:56

If you really want the baby, go for it, I'd tell him he has to clean his act up or else. No ifs or buts. He's either clean and with the family or not. Good luck, I really hope it all works out for you.

Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2017 04:10

Girlhelp congratulations on your baby. I know you want to keep the baby so do not let your partners problems spoily your joy or blight your life.

He needs to shape up or ship out, but he dos need to support his child.

Plus you have a child already and I am sure you don't want her exposed to your partners drug habit.

"...the only thing putting doubts in my mind is that my relationship is going to fail." If it fails, it fails, and it will be all down to his drug habit. You are expecting a lovely baby, a sibling for your daughter. Think about how you can cope without him, do you have support from friends, family, do you work etc.

Whether he shapes up or not, don't lose your baby because of him, in the end you would (I think) resent him for this.

Totally agree with CakesRUs "I'd tell him he has to clean his act up or else. No ifs or buts. He's either clean and with the family or not."

Cleatusclarke · 08/01/2017 04:13

Hard though it is I think you have to take your DP out of the equation, at least for the time being. He may or may not kick his addiction and be capable of being a stable partner and father but it's not something you can rely on.

I would be weighing up what feels worse, the idea of terminating this pregnancy or the idea of being a single parent. For what it's worth I suspect you will cope better than you imagine on your own but it has to be your decision, based purely on how you feel and not dependant on whether your DP gets clean.

You don't sound like you want to terminate but that has to be balanced by how you feel about potentially doing this alone. Do you have much in the way of support? Family and friends who would rally round if you needed them? I hope you can figure out what's right for you OP, good luck whatever you decide

Original poster

Girlhelp123 · 08/01/2017 04:24

Hi :) yes I work and I have great family support who are also very happy and excited about the baby, I just don't want them to be disappointed if I end up with another child to a failed relationship as my mum has mentioned that is her only worry. I know I would cope well on my own it's just hard to get my head around the thought as I really didn't want this a second time round with me only being 24. I really do appreciate your kind and supportive words so thank you x

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/01/2017 04:37

You may be young. But you sound so loving and caring and capable. I think you are making the right choice by keeping your baby. You know your family will help you if your relationship fails. I get why you want two involved parents, being a single parent must be very hard. Definitely kick your partner to the curb right now and hopefully your tough love for the sake of your children will be the incentive he needs to kick the habit.

puddingbunny · 08/01/2017 04:44

Of course you don't want your relationship to fail, but neither can you be reasonably expected to raise two children with a drug addict. I can't imagine that your mum would want that for you, or her grandchildren.

Broken11Girl · 08/01/2017 04:57

It wouldn't be wrong to terminate, love. This isn't a baby yet. How far along are you?
My worry is that you noticed he'd taken coke, rather than him confessing to you that he'd fucked up. To me, a blip in recovery is forgivable, but dishonesty...
Don't base your decision on what other people think, even your mum.
Can you sit and really imagine you decided to have the baby, and to terminate, then the potential scenarios - partner gets clean or not etc. How do you feel?

AndNowItsSeven · 08/01/2017 05:28

Many women are psychologically affected by an abortion that they didn't have doubts about at the time. The fact that you already don't want an abortion leaves you at high risk of regret and future issues struggling to come to terms with an abortion.
You would do the right thing to keep your baby. You have a job and are all ready a mother . I very much doubt your family would be disappointed in a failed relationship, as it's not your fault the father has drug problems.

lovelearning · 08/01/2017 05:49

I am already so in love with this baby

Girlhelp123

I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy

Original poster

Girlhelp123 · 08/01/2017 11:32

I am 9 weeks now so not very early but not too late. With your help I have decided to keep my baby and kick my partner out until he decides to put 100% in for my children as I know i couldn't live with abortion. Thank you all so much in helping me make my decision, I now know I'm doing the right thing for ME Xxxxx

OP posts:

AndNowItsSeven · 08/01/2017 12:12

Really pleased you have made the choice that you feel is right op.
As op says I hope you have a healthy and happy pregnancy.

Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2017 13:17

great news.

I agree with pudding.

I think the only reason your mum (most likely) feels this way is she wants the best for you. A drug addict partner/dad is not the best.

Make sure he supports you financially and hopefully he will have even more incentive to get clean for good and be a part of the family he has helped to create.

"I just don't want them to be disappointed if I end up with another child to a failed relationship as my mum has mentioned that is her only worry."

Just be upfront with your mum, you are an adult, any help she offers should be on the basis that you will make the decisions about you and your kids.

Xxxx

Hidingtonothing · 08/01/2017 16:38

I agree your mum probably only wants the best for you but you couldn't have known your DP was going to relapse so if you do end up raising this baby alone it will be his failure, not yours. Our parents concern for us can sometimes feel like criticism but it would be very unfair to put the responsibility for this relationship failing on your shoulders, you've done nothing wrong. I'm really happy for you that you've come to a decision that feels right for you and you sound more than capable of doing this, with or without your DP. Good luck OP and congratulations

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