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Original poster

Baby or career? WWYD?

51 replies

govan · 26/12/2016 01:59

If you had to choose, right now, between the career of your dreams that you'd spent ten years building up to, or having a baby before it is too late, which would you pick?

Let's say that if you don't have the baby now, you may run out of time, fertility wise.

Equally, to get the career, you'd need to commit to and pass two more years of work based training that maternity/babies would not mix well with. This career chance may never present itself again.

If it makes a difference, this is not a first/only baby, but a much longed for baby to complete the family.

So WWYD?

OP posts:
ChittyBB · 26/12/2016 07:50

Fathers can legally take the parental leave now. Can your partner do that?

Our 3rd came at a time is just got a career crucial promotion. I worked to 38 weeks and retuned when the baby was 8 weeks. DH took the next 4 months then we got a live-in nanny. It was hard work but completely worth it for me, him, our other kids and the baby.

AntiQuitty · 26/12/2016 07:52

Neither choice comes without regret and whichever you regret may change over time depending how life turns out.

I'd choose the career, especially after putting so much work into it.

busyrascal · 26/12/2016 08:22

Definitely baby.

Your career will continue long after your baby has grown up and you never know what other (better?) opportunities may come your way during that time. My df has just been given the opportunity to set up a partnership making a fortune doing something that he only found out he's very talented at in the past five years or so. His career is blossoming age 59. Seeing him go through this has made me realise how silly it is to stress about a career age 32 when the baby-making years are so relatively short.

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elpinguino · 26/12/2016 08:25

I am in exactly this position now. I have roughly two years left of a long (10 year) work based training programme. Time away from it will not only lengthen my training but I will deskill too and need extra time to recover those skills. In addition, my career is extremely time and energy intensive, and it is probable that my commitment to it may be questioned if I take time out to have a family. Nevertheless, I am 34, I got married this year, and I feel like if I don't at least try to start a family now, I will regret it forever if I later find that I can't (of course this may happen anyway, who knows right?!). So we started trying, I got pregnant, then sadly miscarried. We will try again. Really you and your partner are the only ones that can decide what's right for you, but I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Wombatron · 26/12/2016 08:28

If you're unsure if you should be having a baby just because it's too late.. I'd say career. I know what you feel. I am coming up to 30. But I won't peak in my career (when I go back to work after travelling) for another 5 years. So I'm looking at parenthood when it's proven to be difficult. But I've worked hard and I want my successful career. It doesn't make you a bad person, just be aware and accepting of the risks Wine

soundsystem · 26/12/2016 08:38

Career, but I wouldn't put off TTC either. It might take longer than you think, or it might not happen... I know you said the career is incompatible with maternity/new baby but couldn't you find a way to make it work?

lljkk · 26/12/2016 08:42

"a much longed for baby to complete the family."

I'm wondering how many other children there are already.
In retrospect I wish I had stopped with fewer rather than more children, and having as many as I did totally derailed my career. Problem is it's a hormonal decision, you can't wave a wand to change how you feel.

NickyEds · 26/12/2016 08:48

Baby. The regret from not trying for a much wanted baby woukd always be more than the slowing down if career progress.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/12/2016 08:52

Career.

Original poster
govan · 26/12/2016 12:15

I love MN, I didn't know if anyone would reply but you've all given me so much food for thought - and interesting how peoples' decisions vary so much and take into account many more factors than the obvious ones.

Answer to a few questions:

  • it would be baby number 3, but DCs 1 and 2 are from a past relationship. DH loves them to bits but would love to have a third and go through the baby/toddler stages for the first time. I've always wanted one more - hopelessly broody. I already have names picked out. Blush
  • the training is only available long-ish hours (8am-6pm 5 days). I would just about cope with leaving DCs 1 and 2 for this long, but I couldn't cope doing that with a baby. My emotions ruled me post-natally and I struggled to even leave each baby even for an hour or so prior to age 2, despite declaring prior to birth that I was going straight back to work ASAP (ex had agreed to be a SAHD but I couldn't stand it when it came to it).
  • DH earns a good, steady wage with excellent career prospects. We are financially secure with spare bedrooms in the house and savings set aside etc. We've agreed to me having a year maternity then a year career break if we have a baby, due to me hating leaving small baby as described above, and have savings to fund this.
  • my current job is interesting, professional, I enjoy it and pay is fine but pay would double (or more) quickly with added responsibilities and access to much more variety in regards to the work I could do if I completed this training. I am so close to the position I've wanted to be in since I was 16. I've obsessed with it all my life and now I'm so close I can almost taste it, but I really want to have a baby. Stopping now would de-skill me and add potentially 3-5 years to my training as I'd need to 'catch up'.

I want to have the baby now, but feel I should get on with my career and just give TTC a try once I've finished training in a few short years. But what if I'm no longer able to conceive? Argh!!!

OP posts:
OhStuffingBalls · 26/12/2016 12:18

Career if you already have children.

OhTheRoses · 26/12/2016 12:22

How old are you?

Ditsy4 · 26/12/2016 12:24

Baby. You can't get rid of the maternal feeling. He hasn't a child. Get a nanny if you really want both. A career is just a job a baby is part of the family forever. I chose baby and never regretted it even though I have less of a career.

AnaMaleka · 26/12/2016 12:34

Career. And baby! But you're going to have to take a back seat with baby in the early days. Which will be hard. But not as hard as catching up (with younger competition) 3-5 years.

I know someone who was in almost exactly the same situation as you. She did both. Baby is looked after by father during the week. She is full on over weekends (and evenings/nights). It's been hard for sure, especially the first weeks back at work. But now there's a rhythm going and actually everybody is pretty happy. An unexpected upside too is that when her DP wants to go off at the weekend, it's totally fine!! She doesn't feel left behind, because she's super happy to have DS to herself (if older kids are with their natural father), or just have all the kids for a couple of days too. He doesn't do it often, but with the burden switched, there's actually more elasticity in the situation than in the standard set up.

notangelinajolie · 26/12/2016 12:37

Baby. You have 2 from previous relationship so if it were just you asking I would say career. Your DH loves them but they are still somebody else's. So baby wins.

annandale · 26/12/2016 12:37

From what you've written I would definitely say baby. Conceive now and you can have Sept/Oct birthday parties which are great Grin

clumsyduck · 26/12/2016 12:40

Yy to both
I managed both even as a single parent ( in that it makes childcare etc harder not that there is anything wrong being a single mum )

0nline · 26/12/2016 12:53

Based on your additional information, I would defiantly go for career.

As would the vast majority of women in the country I live in.

There is nothing magic in the water that takes away the broody here. But people tend to be very pragmatic about the practicalities. Not just the known trapdoors of the way their life is today, but also their ability to cope in the case of future curveballs. Like

job loss
shrinking job market
economic downturns
divorce/death of a spouse
a new baby having special needs, or health issues
an existing child developing special needs/health issues due to accident or illness
one of the parents developing MH/physical issues that reduces the family to one salary

Not fun stuff to comtemplate. Rather pessimistic from some perspectives, cos is about making decisions based on small risk/high stakes And to be fair I understand why with your extensive (compared to many other places) welfare safety net that sort of "glass is half empty" thinking tends not to feature so strongly in family planning.

But on the other hand, your welfare safety net looks more holey than it used to. And if I had to bet on re-stitching, or bigger holes in it in the future, I'd bet on bigger holes. Much, much bigger holes.

mummummummummm · 26/12/2016 12:54

Baby. No question. You have the rest of your life to work.

Want2bSupermum · 26/12/2016 12:56

Go for both. Get good quality childcare.

busyrascal · 26/12/2016 13:03

Adding 3-5 years onto your career progression is nothing in the grand scheme of things if it means you get to have another baby imho.

HelenF350 · 26/12/2016 13:17

I would go for the career but still ttc. It may take a while or not happen so you would have the career to fall back on. If you did successfully conceive then you can think about it then. I don't see that it has to be one or the other, do both Smile

Izzy24 · 26/12/2016 13:42

Still both.

You cannot predict how life will turn out.

You know the saying - 'want to make God laugh? Make a plan..!'

SnorkelParka · 26/12/2016 14:01

Baby, because you and dh both want it.

However, I would push as far as you can to get both. TTC could take a while, training and work opportunites may not be one off, or could flex around maternity.

DailyFail1 · 01/01/2017 03:38

You should be aiming for both. I personally would get the job, kill it, and then have the child. It is in fact what I'm doing right now.

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