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Original poster

I have found my half sister on fb

24 replies

keepbreathinginandout · 13/12/2016 11:20

i found out i had a half sister by accident when i was about 10yo. i only knew her first name and her mum's first name (DF walked out when she got pregnant, so she was registered in her mums surname) until recently. so for 33 years i have wondered about her. anyway, fast forward to the 21st century and i type her name/city into fb...lo and behold. there she is.

i feel a bit stalkery because now i know what she looks like, how many kids she has, her relationship status and where she works! i phoned my aunt last night and told her. she was a bit shocked that i still think about it (don't know why, because she is the person i went to when i first found out!) after calling me Miss Marple she proceeded to advise me in the strongest terms to NOT contact my HS. apparently her mother made it very clear that they would always be NC with my DF and the rest of the family, but i know for a fact that my GM was in touch before she died.

weirdly she has a fb friend that has my name! (first name and maiden name!)
DH thinks i should leave it, citing the fact that my dF is, was and always will be a cunt and that i could be opening a huge can of worms that will never be able to be closed. WWYD?

OP posts:

Sparkesx · 13/12/2016 14:47

I'd probably add her on Facebook and see if she accepts. If she doesn't you'll know she doesn't want to be contacted... If she does, you can decide whether to send her a friendly message.

Sparkesx · 13/12/2016 14:48

Sorry, that should say if she doesn't accept, you'll know she doesn't want to be contacted.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 13/12/2016 14:50

I wouldn't send a friend request I'd sent a message saying who I am and then the ball Is in her court

Please remember if she doesn't reply you have to respect the fact she doesn't want to know

SheldonsSpot · 13/12/2016 14:51

So does she know about you?

I think you should listen to your aunt tbh.

I'd at least leave it until at least after Christmas if I were you.

It might be a really happy surprise for her, it might not, but this close to Christmas ain't the time to spring it on her.

SheldonsSpot · 13/12/2016 14:52

Oops one "at least" too many there!

EatTheCake · 13/12/2016 14:52

I would send 1 friendly message saying who I am and that if she would like I would welcome a chat. Then it's up to her what she does

As pp says please do respect her choice if she doesn't want to know

Dozer · 13/12/2016 14:53

Does she know about you?

Emmageddon · 13/12/2016 14:53

I would have to contact her, if it was me with a half-sister out there, but if she doesn't want to have anything to do with you, you'll have to accept that. I would contact her through facebook messenger rather than sending a friend request though.

freelancegirl · 13/12/2016 14:54

Do remember though if you send a Facebook message and she doesn't reply she might not have seen the message. It goes into another box - not your standard inbox - if it's someone you're not friends with and people often forget to check or don't know to check.

freelancegirl · 13/12/2016 14:55

PS I wouldn't be able to stop myself from getting in contact. Presumably if your dad walked out on her too she is NC with him and shares your viewpoint on him anyway.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/12/2016 14:56

I am with your aunt and dh.

If it was me and I'd not known you for 33 years I'd rather not know TBH

This girl either doesn't even know about you OR she does and hasn't ever contacted you for a reason.

It's not a can of worms I'd open!

What do you hope to achieve?

Loulou2kent · 13/12/2016 14:57

I've been the one contacted by a half sister I knew nothing about... it's turned my world upside down & made me question everything. I understand why she messaged. But selfishly I wish I didn't know

PumpkinPie71 · 13/12/2016 14:59

I am in agreement with your aunt and dh.

If I had a half sister I hadn't known for all these years I wouldn't want to know TBH.

This women may not even know about you. So you blow her world apart telling her about you then what do you want? To be best sisters? A Christmas card each year? A friendly chat?

You may of always wondered about her but in my experience the reality never lives up to the fantasy

Phalenopsisgirl · 13/12/2016 15:00

I would contact her and explain you know who she is, that you have always kept her in your mind, everything you said here really and that you would really like to be in contact. Explain how you feel about df. I'd be amazed if she doesn't want to know. My ds is in your sister exact position. He has long given up hope of a relationship with his father but would be very welcoming to his half brothers of which he has two, or any other family from his paternal side for that matter.

Merrychristmaseveryone16 · 13/12/2016 15:03

I would leave well alone because if I had a half sibling that I knew nothing about I wouldn't want to know

What do you want from her?

Message if you must but do be prepared for the fact she may not want to know you

Pickanameanyoldname · 13/12/2016 15:04

Whatever you decide to do, as Sheldon said upthread, this close to Christmas is NOT the time to do it.

Leave it until January and think on it till then.

Bagina · 13/12/2016 15:07

I'm looking for my half sister. It's something that once you know, it won't go away. I would contact her in January and be very clear that you will not contact her again if she so wishes.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2016 15:17

I'm looking at it from the point of view of an adopted child. If I found one of my half-siblings (I was the product of an affair and given up for adoption by my mother, who had 3 other children by her DH) I would contact them but make it clear that I would not contact them again unless they expressly said they wanted me to. In your situation I might consider asking that they not pass my contact info on to our father, but that's up to you.

And I agree with PP, don't do it now. Wait until after the holidays.

Original poster

keepbreathinginandout · 13/12/2016 16:37

thanks for all the replies. i assume she knows about me as I vaguely remember her mum and DF taking me to a pantomime, so her mum definitely knows about me.
the last time i discussed her with my DF was a good 10 years ago and he had never had any contact with her up to that point. As he now lives abroad, it's reasonable to assume this is still the case.
I wouldn't dream of contacting her before Christmas and after reading loulou's post, have to consider how my contacting her could affect her. i just found it weird that she has someone on her friends list with my exact maiden name, which is often spelled in a different way.
i'm going to try to forget about it for a couple of months and maybe grill my DA about what she knows when i see her at the end of January.
some really good points have been raised and your advice has been taken onboard, so thank you all x

OP posts:

Loulou2kent · 13/12/2016 16:53

Hey OP, my message wasn't meant to put you off. I'm just now stuck in a really difficult place. I feel guilty, really guilty. She's messaged me out of the blue, and I felt sick to my stomach. I felt bad for her that we had our dad, but she did mention she was happy & had her own dad. I just can't shake the fact that my dad did that. He was very young & its no excuse, but he's my dad & it's really hard to now be disappointed with him if that makes sense.

Now I have two choices. I either say hi & acknowledge what she says & make sure she understands we have our own life's & it will sound like I'm heartless.

Or, I make contact, meet up, and then watch my dad squirm & then watch him make a bigger mess of the situation. He's a crap dad & I just feel so protective of him right now. He's finally moving abroad & im relieved although I'll miss him, because I feel like he'll be less of a liability over there. He does have a tendency to disappoint.

I think it's different situations. If I didn't see my dad then maybe I'd feel more inclined to meet her. But he's still so much of a part of our lives it's hard to bring her up, knowing that when the shit hits the fan it was my fault & I should have kept out.

My sister & brother think of her too but for some reason, the sense of keeping the family the way it is seems like the best option to us right now. It sounds so cold & selfish but it's how we feel right now. And because of that, we feel guilty as hell that we've left her hanging. I mean we messaged her. I said I'm glad she's doing well & im happy that she's got a great dad etc. But I think I'd feel sick & cry if I ever met her.

Original poster

keepbreathinginandout · 13/12/2016 21:35

aw lou, i didn't mean to upset you..what i meant is that you brought me a new perspective on the situation, one that i hadn't even considered.

OP posts:

Original poster

keepbreathinginandout · 13/12/2016 21:36

and here's some flowers for having a shit dad. x

OP posts:

Frankier88 · 13/12/2016 21:40

I had the exact same situation, except it was a half brother. I am NC with my dad, but I reached out to my half brother on Facebook once I found him. Sadly, he didn't want to know and didn't respond. I don't regret reaching out though.

ALemonyPea · 13/12/2016 21:48

I made contact with my half siblings a few years ago. This was after meeting my bio dad then being rejected by him. I contacted them on FB, my half sister first, then she told the others and they messaged me.

In one way it was good, some of them wanted to know me, others didn't, that was fine. The fallout for the ones who wanted to though, was awful and it's left me with huge guilt. They tell me it's fine, that there was always problems, but I can't help but feel I've caused a lot of the division. They were all abandoned by bio dad as well, so at least we have that in common.

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