Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Why does my boyfriend never wants sex?

12 replies

user1481283775 · 09/12/2016 11:53

Really need some advice as my own thoughts are driving me crazy!

I have been with my partner for 3 years now and we have a 9 month old baby girl. Our relationship is mainly fine and we have lots of fun together. However whenever I suggest having sex, I get completely shut down with what seem like pathetic excuses...'I'm tired or maybe another night'.

I have tried talking about it on several occasions and it never goes down well...he promises that it's nothing to do with me and he just doesn't really want it at the moment but I don't understand the reasons behind it and he won't talk to me. I'm sure that there is no one else in the picture but can't help feel like it has something to do with me.

I don't want to sound sexist but from what I hear of other peoples relationships, it's usually the women that go off sex after pregnancy and not the men so why does my man just never want sex?

If anyone can offer any advice then I would really appreciate it!

OP posts:
funnyandwittyusername · 09/12/2016 11:54

Do you do enough around the house? Does he get time to himself?

Original poster
user1481283775 · 09/12/2016 11:57

I do everything round the house and look after our daughter. He goes to work from 8-4 and doesn't really do much when he gets home. I don't want to make him sound like a bad person because he's not...he is a good father and if I ask him to do things around the house he does do it without complaining but just doesn't do anything off his own back!

OP posts:
knaffedoff · 09/12/2016 12:14

You need to talk to him, irrespective of whether you are sharing chores Hmm a relationship needs to be warm and loving to survive. He is not behaving in a loving way, what was he like before kids as sometimes their arrival can change the dynamics of a relationship

Original poster
user1481283775 · 09/12/2016 12:18

We were trying for a long time to get pregnant so sex ended up being a bit of a chore itself as we had to do it so often to maximise chances...I do wonder whether that has put him off? Before we were trying to get pregnant our sex life was much better. I wonder whether he has gone off it or whether he is just being lazy because when he says he's too tired he's still more than happy to stay up till 1am playing video games :( I feel like I'm battling a lost cause

OP posts:
knaffedoff · 09/12/2016 12:24

I would be spelling out what you need from him (and that excludes video games). Life is too short to spend with the wrong person.

I don't think the pressures to get pregnant would have caused this, stop taking the blame for him x

Whyiseverynameinuse · 09/12/2016 12:50

I'd be checking for porn. Sorry. It's very common and it affects sex drive.

VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 09/12/2016 12:53

Also, some men have weird ideas that mothers cannot have sex - does he see you as a mother figure or as a lover? Remember, this is about him, not you.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 09/12/2016 12:53

Actually I think the trying for ages to get pregnant and sex becoming a chore could be a big factor.

There's no question of "taking the blame for him" Hmm. Sounds like a decent enough bloke.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 09/12/2016 12:56

Was he present at the birth? Some men are so traumatised by witnessing birth that it puts them off sex for fear of hurting you or getting pregnant again. Could it be that?

If not, you must definitely talk to him in a non-confrontational way, preferably away from home and without your LO. He needs to understand that you love him and want to work this out together. But, if it's his choice not to have sex anymore, then that's not what you signed up for and not how you plan to continue a relationship, long term.

intheknickersoftime · 09/12/2016 13:48

I have been in the same position as you, in fact I am at the moment. My DP is depressed. I didn't realise. He opened up to me yesterday. We haven't had sex all year and its been killing me inside and contributing to my own depression. You're not on your own, it's been an ongoing issue in my relationship. I hoping we can move forward,. Its very difficult not to take it personally.

knaffedoff · 09/12/2016 15:19

sukey clearly your ideas of a "decent enough man" differs to mine. I think an adult who needs prompting to help out in the home after finishing work at 4pm, he plays video games until the early hours and complains he is too tired for sex/ show affection is not a fab partner. It's not a relationship I would want my daughter to aspire to.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 09/12/2016 17:08

I didn't say he was "fab" Confused. Just trying to say something other than LTB. I think the IF factor could be relevant, that's all.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread