Christmas present dilemma

[TheHandmaidsTale]

Hi, this might get a bit long so I apologise in advance.

Basically, mum and brother don't speak due to mum not making an effort with brother and nephew. Brother got fed up of this and mum and brother's gf/brother had many cross words over it and don't speak now.

For Christmas, I asked brother in November whether I could buy a certain item I knew nephew would like. All agreed I'd be buying that and brother even said MIL couldn't get it as I was. Our mum has now bought the present that I was buying for nephew. I told her I was getting it and she didn't really respond. Just said I could get the bits to go with it instead. Then said brother wouldn't accept gift anyway.

When I asked what else I could get nephew, brother said nothing as nephew has everything and I should get the present as that's what we agreed on. He said he won't be accepting gifts from mum or sister (who also hasn't been to see them for the best part of a year) this year anyway so it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to do. Yet again I'm in the middle of something I don't want to be. I want to get the present as I obviously came up with it and asked a while ago but fear mum's reaction. She tends to take these things very personally and will see this as me siding with brother. Coupled with the fact that she hasn't been bothering with me either for the last two months (all contact initiated by me).

Any advice? I want to get the present anyway and just be done with it but not sure how she will react (IF she finds out, considering she doesn't go to their house/speak to them and has no way of getting their presents to them without doing this).

I'd just buy the present you agreed on.

Tough one. You could buy a voucher with a value equivalent to the gift, so that you dont get on the wrong side of either of them or just get the present anyway and if your dm kicks up a fuss about it just state your case and ignore.

Your dm doesn't sound that great, maybe stop making all the effort if its one sided.

I'd get the present you agreed on, wrap it up and drop it round. Your mum knew you were getting it. As it stands your nephew won't get the gift unless you buy it. The rest is between your brother and your mum.

Just to clarify. My mum didn't know I was getting it as she didn't ask anyone. She just went to the shop, saw it and went "oh I'll get that". Whereas everyone else has actually asked and checked to prevent this situation...
I keep thinking I shouldn't make any effort with her anymore but my sister is late teens and lives with her. She would just bitch about me to sister and I'm worried she won't want to speak to me again either. Although, sister doesn't get in touch with me either. I could make a whole other thread about how I feel about the lack of effort my family puts into seeing me :( At least my brother asks if we want to go for Sunday lunch every few weeks!

I'd give money to the equivalent value.

If she didn't know you were getting it, it makes it more difficult. I don't think I could bring myself to get the same gift. I would tell your brother you don't want to be involved, but you're still in contact with your mum and don't want to upset her by openly buying the same gift. Then either get another toy you know he'd like, or same value in money, as others have suggested.

I don't really want to give money and they won't give me another gift idea. I just want to buy him the gift I wanted to without drama! I don't know what to do or how to approach this. I hate confrontation :(

He has clearly said that he won't be accepting gifts from her so the poor little one won't get the gift at all if you don't get it

Being in the middle of something like that is horrid. Is your brother talking to her at all? Could you give him a kick up the arse and get him to text her telling her he won't be accepting gifts so she doesn't bother? This shouldn't be your problem!

I'd be tempted to think she did know and she's trying to manipulate you. I am very paranoid though as I have a scheming mother that tries to play her family like puppets and we all know and tell each other everything so we never fall for it (it's taken years of tears and arguments to realise what was happening).

If you really really can't get him to deal with it and don't want to upset her then give him a home made voucher for a shopping gift with auntie so he can choose something with you (and you don't have to spend ages thinking of a second present) then, when he doesn't get the gift, give it to him for his birthday next year.

He did say he would text her and tell her but I imagine he doesn't want the fall out that would happen after... Not sure what he's imagining will happen when she tries to take the presents (or sends my sister with them!). I may give him a bit of a push on that... it could help.

I think I might just get the present. It's unlikely she'll find out anyway... It will be easier if he just says we don't want presents though.

No, they don't talk at all. When they do they just scream at each other so they haven't spoken for a good few months now. I hate being in the middle and confrontation/upsetting people and get quite anxious about it. So it's not ideal!