relationship with husband. confused.

[Bolognese06]

I don't know quite how to start this.
I'm struggling with my relationship with my husband. I love him to bits and I just want to make it clear straight away that I would never leave him. I love him. He is a good guy.
I don't know what I expect from this thread. I'm just struggling and confused. I don't know if things are my fault or his fault or a mixture of both or a misunderstanding.

Things that are happening every day: subtle put me downs. Nothing awful. Just mentioned a topic I was interested in and he immediately laughs at me and always puts down my ideas. I feel like I can't have an opinion. Because it will be wrong. This morning I just mentioned about my friend telling me too much soy was bad for you and he tells me how gullible I am. She had out ideas in your head. You are letting people lead you etc. Then pulls up Google and triumphantly shows me something saying soy is fine. I just left it because he was getting really angry and I cba with a row. I handn't even looked into it. It was just a passing comment. Something to think about.
Complaining about housework. For example today he was at work. I looked after our two kids. (Both under 4) cleaned the whole of upstairs cleaned up after painting etc. Cooked dinner.cleaned you room cleaned up after kids and got them ready. He came Joe and there were the dinner plates that the kids used and I hadn't washed up yet and he was just going on and on about it always being a mess when he gets home and things would be different if it was him at home. It was a few plates, which I would of cleaned up. But he came home early.
He gets really stressed with mess etc

Things that happen once in a while:
Sometimes he will be pushy about sex. So he might initiate it and I say I'm not in the mood and he will just go on and on and he will have his hands down my pants and pulling my pants down while I'm trying to pull them back up. I've actually clamped my hand over my vagina to try and stop him getting at me. He just forces it away and keeps doing it. I often just give in and have sex.
Sometimes I want sex. But then it becomes too rough or painful and I tell him it's hurting but he just keeps going.
A few times over the years I have been really drunk and he has put me to bed and had sex with me while semiconscious.
I have women up to him touching me...or trying to push his penis into me.

Once a few months ago I said no countless times I tried to push him off and he still kept coming back and put his penis in me and just started having sex with me. I ended up lying there silent and still while he did it and he just carried on.

The other night he wanted sex but I was in my period. I obviously said no. He asked for a titwank. I said no. He kept going on so I let him. Then he started walking off over me and I said don't do it in my face, but he stood right over me and ejaculate all over my face. He has done that twice before.

Gropes me infront of the kids in a way I'm not comfortable with. I've told him I don't like it.
We went to a party last week and it was mainly for kids for Halloween and he was very clingy. I had to run after the kids and he kept coming to see where i was. He kept holding me and squeezing my bum and wanting to kids me. But I dodnt feel comfortable infront of everyone and especially the kids.

Also I want to get back to work. Only a few hours a week to start with. My friend helped me find a position to apply for that is perfect for me. While she was there my husband acted as though he were fine with it. When she left he kept telling me that she was putting ideas in my head and that I didn't need to work. When I said I wanted to just to get experience and feel like I was contributing. He said it would mean less time together and he wanted to spend time together and I obviously didn't. he was quite annoyed.b
I feel like if I do or say anything that he doesn't like. It's like treading on eggshells for days after and I can't do anything right.

I just feel a bit sad atm. I used to be so happy with him around and now I'm just anxious.

Just sometimes he willsend a confirmation email to my email and ask to check it but will flick through emails while there

Hmm. He is being controlling, and using that as an excuse. If you need to keep emails, set up another email address, forward the ones you don't want him to read to the new address, delete the emails in your inbox and delete them out of your sent folder. Job done.

Ok I'll admit that there is a lot of concerning points here but let's all take a step back and listen to op who has repeatedly said that she doesn't want to leave him and loves him.

Can we think of ways to help her that respects that?

Perhaps op could sit dh down and talk to him. Something along the lines of :

When you initiate sex and I'm not in the mood I find it very upsetting that you don't listen to me and keep trying until I give in. It makes me feel like you don't view me as an equal or consider my feelings / wants to be as important as yours. I need you to stop doing this.

Then next time it happens be very firm and say no. I mean it, no. If you continue to grope me it is sexual assault and crossing a serious line. If you don't stop I will have grounds to report you for rape.

Maybe using words like sexual assault and rape will make him realise the seriousness of the matter and how strongly you feel.

Tell him you love him but if he pushes you after you say no it becomes rape and how can you be expected to love a rapist?

Is there any chance that talking to him could help or am I too hopeful??

Thank you I will try and sort tonight.
Today he skyped his mum and kept putting his legs round my neck and pushing his groin in my face (just out of shot.) Then I was lying on the floor and the kids were climbing on me. He came over and vigourously rubbed between my legs.
There was also something else but will type later as got to go now

Be clear. Tell him you don't like it and he has to stop. It's not fun and not sexy and it doesn't turn you on.

I'm not convinced he will listen jenpatnim

OP you can delete your browser history, and on the mn account page I think there is a link where you opt out of emails. I would second the poster who advised only coming on mn via your phone, using Google Incognito tabs if necessary.

His behaviour is appalling. He sounds like he has a very screwed up view of sex and his entitlement to it. Does this happen every day, or is it every week, month? Does he still watch porn?

I do tell him. All the time. He also knows I was sexually abused by my father as a child and that I am sometimes very nervous about sex.

There was a time when he was very stressed it was every night. I would dress going upstairs. We have been here for 2 months now and I think it has happened 3 or 4 times. With the constant groping in between

God he is just vile OP. The things you are saying make me feel sick to my stomach. I know you don't want to leave him and think that you love him but I find his behaviour absolutely repulsive.

If you feel able to, I agree that as a starting point you need to firmly explain to him how he is making you feel when he violates you. If he minimises it or tries to make a joke, stand firm and repeat.

I am hoping that you will start to seriously question your future with this man but I understand it is going to take time.

I think the fact you are starting to question his behaviour OP is a good sign - and it's great to hear that you are starting to grow in confidence. I think a job would be a great idea, as would be opening a separate bank account even if it's in one of your kids names, so you start to make an emergency fund for yourself. Try and make some positive changes that will give you choices, as at the moment you don't seem to have many of your own. It's very clear that you love your DH dearly - but please think hard about this and answer truthfully, would he be treating you like this if he loved you in the same way?

I'm so sorry that you were abused as a child and now this.

I don't know if he would listen either - I'm just trying to think of ways to help beyond ltb.

Please remember what I said about being in Northern Ireland. I'm very sincere.

I think it could be dangerous to say no to him in any stronger terms than you already do.
You squirm away and say no already. How is saying that louder, or with more words, or more firmly going to change his actions?
It won't.
Only he can change his actions and he is choosing not to. Though you know he knows he should, because he changes when you have people to stay.

Keep safe until you're ready to leave him. I know you don't think he's violent, but pinning you down and ejaculating in your face is a violent act and it's not much of a step from that to slaps, punches or attempted strangulation.

What you are going through is horrible OP and definitely not normal marriage annoyances. Normal marriage annoyances are who has to put the bins out, duvet hogging and taking yourself off for an hour to read or listen to music so you can endure your bad mood on your own. Not groping, whining about mess or ejaculating into someone's face when they don't want it!

You can't see how bad this is, and neither can your friend who may not know the full story or is also conditioned into thinking this is part and parcel of marriage. It's not. Being lonely HAS to be better than this, you will get your confidence back by seeing what you can do on your own, you will make friends, you will make your children and yourself proud. Make it happen. You deserve so so so much better.

So sorry you are going through this his behaviour is not normal. Please don't normalise it. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is for you, you must be so conflicted but you have kids, please please at least speak to womens aid, even just for support.

I'm so sorry to hear you were sexually abused op

Knowing that, a kind man would take extra care and understanding around issues of sex and consent. Your husband is not a kind man

I predict the next tactic will be that he feels rejected. And will use that to further coerce you. This is not a man who thinks what he's doing is wrong. Talking wont help. He owns you op. Its his right. And he knows it makes you uncomfortable (for want of a better description) and knows your history and he still does it. In fact i'd bet that's WHY he does it. I hate men. Bastards.

My ex, the father of my 3 dc was extremely abusive and the beginning of his behavior sounds very similar to some of what you describe. The problem is this sort of relationship often gets gradually worse over a long time and so you tolerate it and it changes your perception of what is "normal" and you start to question yourself.

Do please be very careful! Make sure your delete you history so there is nothing that can antagonise him.
If you get a chance when he is definitely not around call Rise for support and advise 0300 323 9985. I know they are local to me but their helpline is national and I found them fantastically helpful they helped me and my children leave, helped with finding housing, put an injunction in place and paid for the solicitor I needed. Even if you choose to stay you should try to talk to someone about your worries over your children being taken from you etc as they are incredibly well informed and will totally respect whatever decision you come to.
I thought all the same as you, I adored my husband, constantly made excuses for why it wasn't his fault and he was great really and just stressed with having a young family. He eventually left me alone with my 2 ds's to give birth to dd as first insisted he wanted it to be just us and the midwife at home and then said he was busy and I was attention seeking. As it was my 3rd she came fast and the midwife got there just in time to resuscitate her after she was born with cord round her neck.

My 3 kids are now well adjusted and happy and I have a great, healthy, suportive relationship, something I could never have imagined when I was in that situation. I am really pleased that I left when the children were still relatively young as it would have only become more difficult as they got older.
Stay strong and safe x

Oh my!
None of what you've said he's doing is normal OP, absolutely none of it.

He's lowering your self esteem so that you'll believe you want to be with him and in turn he can then carry on as he pleases.
Please get help!!' Imagine if this was one of your children telling you this was how they were being treated by a partner - I highly doubt you'd be telling them to stay!!

He pinned you down, wanked in front of your face and them cummed all over your face? please respect yourself and your children and run

You don't need me to tell you it is not that simple, doglover

Hope things are looking up, OP?

He is a pig.
He has raped you and sexually assaulted you repeatedly.
What would you say to your child of they were in a relationship like this?

How are you today OP?

This guy is a manipulating narsasist. For yours and especially your kids sake leave him! Took me 10 years to realise that I was a victim of the same kind of abuse. You think you're happy and that he's a good man, but it's not true. Does he also to an extent control you financially? How close are you to your family? I can wager that you don't see or speak to them often do you? Do you sometimes question yourself and try to convince yourself you're over reacting or over analysing the situation? You had a rough childhood as did I, and narcissists can spot a vulnerable person a mile off. After I left my abusive partner I had to have 3 years of counselling but I am now much stronger for it. Abuse isn't just about physical violence or verbal abuse. He is at the very least emotionally and mentally abusing you! Telling you that your friends put ideas in your head is his way of creating a rift between you and your friends! Isolating you from anyone that will see him for who he really is. Please do not let this carry on. Stand up to him and really mean it or better still just leave. Your kids shouldn't grow up thinking that being treated like that is ok or treating someone like that way is ok. And believe me they pick it up! After I left my ex my eldest assumed the role of my ex. Trying to treat me the way she saw her father treat me. My psychologist explained to me that it does happen because that is all that they have seen. Now we have been away from him for s while my eldest has stopped this behaviour as she sees that it is wrong. She now chooses to have nothing to do with her father now that she is 16. dont be afraid to ask your family for help either. I had to contact my step mum whom I hadn't spoken to for 10 years to help me leave. She knew all along there was a problem but couldn't help me until I wanted to help myself. I don't doubt that you're totally in love with him, and and if you chose to leave you'll probably still love him for some time after. But being in love with someone is no reason to stay with an abuser. You deserve better! You deserve to be loved by someone who thinks you're the most precious thing on earth and would never hurt you in any way. You are strong, strong enough to do the right thing for you and your kids. And you will heal and become "you" again.

your husband is a rapist.