Advice for my DP, finding his daughter?

[monkeybumsmum2016]

Hi all

I've NC'd for confidentiality, but this is the first thread I've started, please be gentle

DP & I have been together 13 years, 2 kids, mortgage, very happy.

When he was at uni he had a girlfriend who got pregnant. He found out she'd been cheating on him throughout the whole of their relationship. The relationship ended badly and she went away, made it clear she wanted nothing more to do do with him, and cut off all contact. He then found out later through the local towns grapevine that she'd had a girl and found out her name. The rumours also told him she'd given the baby away (possibly to a relative - not formal adoption) to bring up.

He was up front and open about all of this with me when we got together (in fact he blurted it all out on our first date!). He's always wondered if he's got a daughter out there somewhere - when the relationship broke down his ex girlfriend had told him that the baby probably wasn't even his, although he thinks that was said as much as anything to hurt him.

A few years back he found his ex on facebook and made contact, she initially replied to his first message but then when he asked about the child she didn't reply and blocked him.

Now he's found a profile on facebook which he thinks might be his daughter - right name, looks about the right age, profile pic is in nearby city, and I can definitely see a resemblance to both him and the ex-girlfriend in her profile pic. She'd be 17 now.

He doesn't know what to do next, and it's eating him up. I want to help but I don't know how.

Has anyone on here been in a similar position? Are there any organisations out there that could offer advice and support?

Thanks for reading

Thank you 2014 and DoIt I think a family solicitor might be a way forward to find out more about the legalities of the situation.

If anyone else has any advice specifically on where we might get emotional support and advice then it would would be very welcome, however if you were just going to add an nonconstructive comment about what a shit my DP is then please don't bother, your opinion on what's happened in the past isn't what I posted on here for.

thank you manumission that's really helpful

Is he ready to face the scenario of a potential child not wanting to know him? You know him best, is he hoping that it will be smiles & flowers & end in a big loving family? What happens if it doesn't work out like that?

There are too many variables here to even guess at what would happen. Given that the ex has totally blocked him, that would suggest to me that either the daughter isn't aware of who her father is or that she has been told someone else is her father. (Or that the actual father is the father.) There may be another father figure in her life.

Re social services its a bit murky, they could have done an adoption or a special guardianship order etc but without any evidence that your DP is the father he may not get very far. Also its unusual but not unheard of for a grandmother or a sister to raise the child, who believes that the grandmother/sister is in fact the mother. So its possible the child doesn't know who the real mother and father are.

If he does want to go ahead then dear god not on facebook, try the link to the Salvation Army or phone Social Services & ask the question. Nothing good will come of him contacting her on facebook!

Thank you midnight just looking at the salvation army stuff now and I think they might be good to get in touch with, although it does say on the website "We cannot search for ‘possible’ relatives or friends" so that might be a dead end. Definitely worth asking though

And just to make clear, he had no intention of contacting her on facebook!

Apologies, my fault for assuming the facebook contact.

I wish you all well whatever happens :)

He needs to be prepared to her asking where the fuck he has been and yes my daughter did put it like that to her bio dad when his wife contacted her on facebook

There are three things one is his truth one is hers and one is reality

Is he prepared for reality? My ex wasn't he has done one again

thanks again midnight

abbsismyhero thanks that's definitely the kind of thing he's thinking about. Hoping to find some expertise / professional help to try and work these things through before he takes any action