Could do with some advice - Partners controlling Mother

[Imnewhere1234]

I have been seeing my partner for 2 years - im a lot older than him - hes 22.

Im divorced (5 years) with two children, so im sure im not 'the perfect woman' for anyones son, but putting that aside im very worried about him.

It appears he has been controlled all of his life - he doesnt make any of his own decisions and feels that is 'normal' - until he met me he even discussed his sex life with his Mother. He even believes he has a child, but his Mother stopped him from contacting the woman because of the embarassment it would cause.

Examples of things he has told me - if he wants to go out with friends, she cries and turns it around on hims, saying 'if you go out, I will have to deal with xxx alone' - if he has done something she dissaproves of, she blanks him, sometimes for days, or tells his sister how much she loves her whilst ignoring him - she wrote 'liar' in lipstick on his car when his car was parked at a friends house that she didnt like.

She hates me and has tried everything to get him to end things with me - there is always some sort of 'crisis' going on that he needs to be at home for - things are always 'made worse' because hes seen me.

She sent me an email calling me a peadophile.

She blackmails him constantly. She says the family will have to move house because their lives have been devastated by him seeing me. He wanted to buy his own place - she said she would lend him the deposit if he stopped seeing me. His Father is ill - apparantly caused by him seeing me. His sister is sad - apparantly because hes seeing me. Her life is horrendous - apparantly because he is seeing me - etc. etc.

I could go on, there are so many to mention.

If im honest, I cant carry on, hes admitted he will just do as she says and probaly end up marrying someone who his Mother likes and chooses, but putting that to one side, es my best friend and I want to help him.

Ive tried to talk to him about all of this being emotional abuse, but he loves his Mum and thinks she must be right.

I dont know what to do. I know I need to walk away FOR ME, but what about him? I love him and care for him and it scares me to think of him if I just walk away..

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
My MIL is the same, it's cruel and mean.
💐 Sorry I can't help more

Oh that's a difficult situation. She sounds awful and he definitely needs to break away. However, if he isn't ready or willing to do so, then there's nothing you can do. You can give him your opinion but ultimately it has to be his decision.

Thank you. I don't think he will ever break away. If it's wasn't tragic it would be funny. It reminds me of the 80's sitcom 'Sorry'

Get him the book toxic parents. If that doesn't work then show him the door!

It's nice you're so worried but really some things just aren't worth the aggro !

She sounds like my ex MIL. Would fake heart attacks at all different times - like when ex bil was about to do his driving test. She also won't let ex bil get in touch with a woman who claims to have his baby as the baby is a girl and her boys 'don't make girl babies'.
She disliked me immensely as I wouldn't put up with her bullshit and when ex and I separated she told everyone that she had 'got her baby back'.

The mother is toxic. And your boyfriend is a little boy, not a grown man. Judging by what you've written, he's extremely unlikely to break away. However, even if he did, he'd probably look to you to be his mummy and tell him what to do. I can understand he might be lovely and fun to spend time with but do you really feel that he's the right kind of person for a serious relationship?

He'll be fine if you walk away. Coddled, yes but he's made his preference. Concentrate on looking after you.

I would walk away.

I think its a good idea to get him a book about abusive relationships. It will at least open his eyes to it, you will have helped him in doing that. He will leave the situation when he is ready. It does sound like you should leave though, for your own wellbeing.