Revoking an invitation after a facebook post

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

I know this isn't a huge problem in the scheme of things but it grates on me and I feel bad on behalf of our daughter. Dd will be 8 soon and has recently changed schools yet still keeps in contact with her gang of friends from her previous school as they were all close. We recently invited one of the friends, let's call her Katy, over to play during the school hols as Katy was finding it upsetting that DD had moved schools.

For DD's birthday in a few weeks we said dd could invite her 3 old friends and 3 of her new friends to her party. Invitations went out. The old friends had theirs via Facebook as we wouldn't have seen them in time before the party.

Then I saw the post on fb of all of dd's old friends, plus some other children from the same class who weren't part of their gang, having been invited to Katy's house for her birthday. Dd hadnt been invited and I thought it was really mean that she hadn't, especially considering we had recently had Katy over for the day.

Not that I was expecting a return invite either, but for a close friends birthday I thought dd would have been invited over.

I get the feeling that some of the parents hold it against us that we've moved dd to another school, as it looks like we're sayi n g their choice of school is inferior (thats not the reason) so this is a way of them making a point, by excluding dd.

Now I want to revoke Katie's invitation as I feel that we've been given the cold shoulder by her parents.

What would you do?

You need to take a step back, you are massively over invested in your DDs friendships.

Totally agree with that statement I am even guilty of doing it myself.

Maybe the parents are looking at affordability as well birthday parties are not cheap.

Just don't have her over any more. The relationships have changed now. Your dd is never going to be a part of that 'gang' any more as she has moved schools.

To say of all of dd's old friends, plus some other children from the same class who weren't part of their gang, having been invited to Katy's house for her birthday is a bit daft isn't it? Like Katy is never allowed to make new friends. Katy was upset but she's probably fine now and has made new friends and invited them to her party.

Sunshine, what do you mean about picking up pieces and illness? Agree about the affordability, though. Pragmatically, parents won't want to spend money inviting a friend who is going to be off the radar in a year's time. That sounds mean but it's probably true.

You can choose not to take it as a slight, though. People have given you lots of reasons why she might not have been invited. Maybe they are trying to distance themselves from you, maybe not - but if you simply carry on assuming your interpretation of it (that it's a slight), then you'll just end up upset. Birthday parties really aren't often 'tit for tat' in terms of inviting, and there are lots of reasons why on this occasion, she wasn't invited. If you assume that it's a slight against you, then you'll inadvertently respond in a different way to them, and it might well gradually turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you just assume it's one of those things, and you carry on being friendly to them if you want to be, or let the friendship die a natural death, if you prefer that, then you can avoid some of the angst.

Thank you everyone for your viewpoints. All duly taken aboard. The invitation will stand as it is and thank you Crotchet for helping me to change my perspective.

I would imagine that katys parents are trying to make sure that she has a new friendship group at school - just like you are.

If you were not doing that then you would have just invited old friends and no new ones.

Sunshine, what do you mean about picking up pieces and illness?

A child's school years is very important if the child doesn't get on well for what ever reason you are not going to leave them in that situation. Education brings freedom you don't want children to grow up struggling and making bad choices. That could bring on a illness which you would have to pick up after. You're child's wellbeing is very important.

This happens to me sometimes. Dd10 has a really good friend who she isn't at school with. However, they do see each other a fair bit but sometimes I see pics on fb of her friend doing activities with small groups of her school friends. I get a bit 'why wasn't DD invited ' which is ridiculous really as she doesn't know the schoolfriends very well despite me and friends mum being good chums. It can feel like a slight but I know it will be down to distance and maybe availability. Does make me afeel a bit at times though