Wwyd if you ran out of fight?

[WingsofNylon]

I just don't have any more energy to go on trying to be okay. Trying to be happy. There is no fight left. I only do it for the sake of family members and now I'm starting to feel resentment. I don't want to be alive but I am for them. I could have as long as another 50 years of life...for fucks sake that's exhusting just thinking of it.
I hardly enjoy anyrthing. I'm on ssris which help enough to go on but not enough to want to go on iyswim.
I have never jsut been able to say it without someone writting it off. I long to be dead. Passively suicidal, is that at thing?
It's nice to write down.

Goodness, you sound exhausted. I really recommend you go to your GP for a referral to counselling- if you're not already having it.

Please seek help from a professional- this shouldn't be something you have to face alone.

I remember feeling just like that at my most depressed. I didn't want to kill myself (too dramatic and difficult for everyone), but I didn't want to be alive. It's really horrible.

Please do try to get some more help. Different meds might work better, and counselling/therapy could help a lot too.

I remember that too.

Then I told my therapist (NHS, CBT) how I felt. She rushed me straight out of the room to find a free GP and get my meds upped. Things got better from there.

Thank you. Your replies have brought me to tears. I am just so lost. I am meeting with my gp for more support soon but right now I don't know if I really feel anything can get better.

My advice would be, don't hold anything back from your GP. Make sure they understand how you're feeling so that they know what help you need. And good luck

I agree with Empress. It's so tempting to downplay things, but it's important you don't.

Feeling like things will never improve is part of the illness. With the right support you will get better. Try to look after yourself, even if it doesn't seem worth it.

If you've forgotten how to look after yourself this might help

Thank you for the link. I've not seen it before, very clever.

How are you doing tonight Wings? Feel free to keep talking here. You don't need to put on a brave face here...

When are you seeing your GP?

OP. Place marking for that link. It might help me too. Sorry you are feeling this way, it sucks. As to what I'd do, Keep fighting even when you are running on empty: not for you, but for your kids. There is no other way my darling. You know that, I know that. I know you don't want to but they need you. It's awful to be needed when you just want to collapse in a heap or go into duvet mode. Can you make a milky drink and try to sleep lovely?

^d'oh! need to take my own advice. Hopefully you are in bed (and therefore doing better than me ). Will pop in tomorrow to say hi.
Night x

For a long time Zombie went to sleep every night thinking how wonderful it would be if she never had to wake up again. That's behind her now but it was very real at the time.

I felt like this for a long time, in fact most days I still do.

I go to a counsellor who has helped but I still wouldn't mind dying (not enough to actively plan suicide though, which is where I was).

Please seek help from your GP. I don't know if you have pressures at home, it sounds like you do, especially caring for others, but my counsellor always tells me that I am important too and should remember to take care of me. I don't believe her yet, but she keeps saying it.

You won't believe it either, not yet, but keep going even if its just one minute/one second at a time. It gets me through the difficult days.

I felt this way for 4 years. I describe it as being passively suicidal - I didn't want or plan to harm or kill myself, I just didn't want to be alive. My therapist used the analogy of if a car was speeding toward me, I would let it hit me rather than jump out the way. It was realising that I welcomed the idea of dying, that I wanted to be dead if the rest of my life would continue to be a constant uphill battle against my own mind, that pushed me to go back to my GP and change my anti-depressants. He also referred me to a nurse who specialised in mental health, who fast tracked me onto CBT.

The last 6 months have been the most 'stable' I've been in the last 5 years. I feel like myself again. I feel like the emotions are real again. But in the back of my head the big black hole is always lurking, I always fear that I'm about to crash again and this time I won't have the energy to climb back out. I hope that one day I will be able to stop saying 'I have' depression, and instead say 'I had'.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that however shit it gets, and however long it takes to find the right combination of medication/therapy ect, you can overcome it. And you may relapse. So you fight back again. Focus on those tiny things in your day that make it seem brighter. A rainbow in the sky. A dog chasing a ball. A smiley baby. Things will get better and worse, but you must remember that life is full of ups and downs and that is completely normal. So keep on keeping on!

Afternoon OP. Just brewing up now, hope you are doing the same love. Come back on if and when you want. I don't give a toss about MN etiquette, will hug you regardless x

Sorry for the silence. Busy few days. Thank you for the messages. I am consciously trying I look after myself a little more as most of you have suggested. I don't get have an app with my gp but plan on calling today. I'll ask about cat and maybe increasing my medication.

Today I feel like I would love out of the way of the car so I guess I'm doing a little better.

Brilliant. That's definitely better!

Morning wings
Wishing you as good a day as you can have. I am going to force myself to eat a banana (hate breakfast) and wash up (hate washing up). What are your plans today, love?

I hope you're having a better day today Wings! Even the small things like having a shower and putting on proper clothes are cause to be proud. Break the day down into little tasks, and don't think beyond each one if it overwhelms you. Just get one thing done at a time.

When I had my worst meltdown at the start of this year, I left university, took time off work and went completely back to basics. If I got out of bed at 8am, showered, dressed in proper clothes, and fed myself actual meals three times a day (rather than junk food) I considered that a success. Once it was less of an exhausting battle to do those, I started adding more 'things' to my day, like going for a 10 minute walk or calling a friend for a chat, until I felt I could cope with a normal routine again.

One thing that keeps me going through stress now is to remember that no matter how low I may be today, tomorrow is a new day. And maybe things will seem a little brighter in the morning?

Hi Wings. How are you doing?