Am I being grabby regarding child maintenance?

[IveGotCheese]

Dd's dad pays £150 a month CM. We used to have an arrangement with CMS but then when the collection fees were introduced he begged me to just have an arrangement between ourselves and I agreed.

The amount he pays is based on his job he has when DD was born. He now has a much better job and I found out he got this job around the time he begged me to have an arrangement between ourselves but he never told me. I read online that the job he does has an average minimum salary of £20,000 a year.

According to the estimated calculations on the CMS website based on the 20,000, he should be paying me an extra £50 a month. Could be more or less than that depending on his actual wage but his wage has definitely gone up.

I know I should be grateful I get anything because some women don't but I'm on my own and I work and pay for childcare and make sure DD has everything she wants and needs and I go without everything. I currently have holes in my £2.99 shoes because I feel guilty for buying more. He sacrifices nothing at all and he pays for nothing except the manitenance. I used to have to provide wipes, nappies etc when she wasn't potty trained. I buy all of her clothes and I pay an awful lot more out than he does for her. He can afford a mortgage, new cars and holidays abroad but grumbles about paying £150 a month for his daughter.

He tells me I'm a scrounger for taking money off him and prior to the CMS being involved he refused to pay and his mum forced him to buy DD a tub of formula per week (I suspect she bought it) and he used to say I should be grateful as he was nice enough to do that and that he wasn't legally required to pay anything especially since he chose not to see her. He had a rude awakening when the CMS got in touch with him and told him what he should be paying.

He now sees her one or two days a week, no overnights and he doesn't miss payments but I do have to remind him. He doesn't buy her clothes, shoes or anything and I have to send her with spares.

Am I being grabby to get our case reassessed based on his new wage and see what he should be paying me and ask him for the amount? I see so many women on here bashing on the ex for taking maintenance and calling them money grabbers and I feel like people might say it about me.

WWYD in my situation?

I think you are doing the right thing, you shouldn't have to be reminding him every month , it's a petty and stupid power game meant to belittle you.

The fact he may end up paying more is secondary to this.
Yes he will tell everyone you are a grabby bitch but he is doing that already so you have nothing to lose.

TheUnsullied definitely! I know I'm a good mum and so does he and I think it pisses him off so he tries to persuade others that I'm not. My family and my DD are the people who matter and they see that I'm doing a good job so I try not to let it bother me

It just gets worse. Go back to CMS as he will then have to pay by standing order or similar. Worth the 4% to stop his control and nastiness

trafalgargal I didn't think about it that way that they already think it about me so I should just go ahead and do it anyway, thanks

How can you be considered grabby when it's for your (his too!) child? Anyone who says you are is being ridiculous IMO. If it's at the point where you have holes in your shoes but he can afford lots of luxuries then too right he should pay more. My XH pays fuck all, tried to involve the CSA but he dodged that too, loophole after loophole and I ended up telling them to do one. My DP provides for DS as well as our youngest two, and is happy to do so. XH called me a money grabber because I was pissed off with £5 a week when he's driving a BMW and having multiple holidays a year!!! Kids are expensive, it shouldn't just be down to you to provide.

Just in case you need to hear it again...go to the CMS.

You went privately to help him, but he makes you ask, he calls you a scrounger & he bad mouths you...he's pee'd in his own bed! Idiot.

£5 a week was the offer from the CSA by the way, it never actually materialised.

CMS is better than CMS, look forward to your £200 per month!

Of course it isn't grabby to ask him to maintain his child. Tot up how much it is costing you, including things like rent or mortgage, community charge, water rates, fuel etc, show him, and point out that he is the one who is being grabby.

You only pay more than the 20 quid fee if they have to collect it for you. If they do the calculations and he agrees to set up DD there's no further fee to pay. If he negates on agreement they will collect and charge him 20% on top of what he pays and you 4% of what you should be receiving.

My fucker of an XH had to pay 100 quid more a month once they recalculated after using CSA for years. I'm sure he should have paid me more years ago as didn't have increase in 10 years so he either was lying to CSA or didn't have a pay rise for 10 years!