No idea what I should say or do about friend inviting herself...

[feuergeist]

My first post on MN so hope I get this right...

I have a friend that I have known for two years. I have always considered her my best friend and while I genuinely love her, her kids can be a bit much at times. I have recently started getting closer with another mum of my sons friends and we do things together with and without kids. Now, my best friend always seems to be a bi disapproving as she seems to find the family a bit 'common' - at least from what i gather from comments that had been made.

To get down to it. This new friend has invited me and my kids out to the cinema tomorrow with her and her son. My best friend has just messages me asking what we are up to tomorrow afternoon as her husband has been ill and she wants him to have the house to himself for a while. I told her that this other friend has invited us out to the cinema and now she is asking if she can tag along. I really dont know what to say to her. My other friends and my kids really enjoy the cinema and enjoy watching movies. My best friend doesnt have that much control of her children and the last few times we have been to the cinema they have started walking around and chatting which usually ends up distracting my kids who then start doing that as well. The last time we went I dont think any of the kids got more than 20min of movie time and I had decided for myself not to go to the cinema with her again. That in combination with her not actually being too keen on this other person puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I really dont know what to say...

My apologies for the long story but any suggestions would be appreciated. We all have kids in the same class and my son is friends and I obvisouly dont want to offend anybody.

Tricky

Something like "not sure what all our plans are yet. Are you around on X instead, would be good to see you then when we can catch up properly?"

Awkward as she knows what your plans are.

However, if you don't want her to come then you will just have to be honest. Just say that her children distracted your children last time and you would prefer to just go with your other friend this time. Finish by suggesting a coffee out another time.

I would find that really awkward. She's your very best friend, then you should be able to spend time with her and her children- if they're really so awful, you'll just have to say you'd rather avoid bringing a huge crowd to the cinema- would she like to meet you after and go to the park?

I'd just say that as you've been invited out by the other mum it's not your place to invite others.

Breezy response "Sorry X, but I am not in charge of the arrangements. Can we meet up the day after?"

I don't think you're going to be able to say no without upsetting her to be honest. Can you tell her you don't have any firm arrangements yet and see if she wants to meet you later in the day after the cinema?

Horrible position to be in! It's a shame you said you were going to the cinema as you could've said your other friend wanted to talk something over with you. Sorry, no idea how you could get out of it without appearing rude (though actually she shouldn't have invited herself, so she's the rude one.)

Could you say something like, "Can we do something another day? I'm still getting flashbacks to the last time our kids were at the cinema together!"?

Thanks for all your responses. It really is a tricky one for me. My friend has a very soft approach to parenting and often laughs off bad behaviour of her kids unless she is already very upset but even then she doesnt get very far before she drops it. Telling her that her kids were distracting mine last time would be true but probably the reply she would be the most offended about.

I dont want to drop the other friend in hot water either by telling my best friend that she is in charge of arrangements because it is likely that she'd contact her (all mums from the class have each others numbers).

Already had to shuffle a few things around as my best friend is moving in a week and she really wanted to spend some time with me on monday where I was already totally bricked up with things so suggesting another day when she knows we are meeting on monday didnt seem to stop her asking to tag along tomorrow too...

I think i'll have to give the other friend a quick call to see if she has any brilliant ideas of letting her down gently.

Tell her u booked the last seats!

I'd make a jokey comment and say 'You're joking aren't you? You're kids won't sit still for 5 minutes!'

If you don't want to say no on the grounds of her kids' behaviour, would it be easier to say no on grounds that she clearly dislikes new friend and you'd find it awkward being in the middle?

Surely if it's a kids film though the cinema will be full of children & not all of them will sit still! I don't think it's unreasonable for a best friend to ask to tag along to the cinema to see a kids film, she is not inviting herself to a formal event or a date. I think you are being very hurtful. Is it the end of the world if the kids are distracted, if they love and are engrossed in film they will be fine. Honestly a cinema trip not worth a friendship and if you can arrange the seating your DC could be wedged between you & other friend so away from her DC!