DD saying worrying things about her DF's girlfriend

[IveGotCheese]

DD goes to her DF's every other weekend. He lives with his girlfriend (she was OW and reason we split up). I never say anything bad about her to DD though obviously.

DD once came home when she was about 18 months and said 'mummy bitch' and went through a phase of saying 'I like Louise' (not her real name) and it was clearly taught to her because she never said it about anyone else except her. I just agreed with DD and said 'very good' sort of thing.

She's 2.7 now and hasn't mentioned her for few weeks. Yesterday I asked if she wanted something and she thought I said 'Louise' and then she went really quiet and wouldn't speak to me. I asked what was wrong and she said 'Louise angry with me' and 'been shouting at me' and then she did an impression of someone really shouting and being angry. I didn't want to put words in her mouth so I just asked who said that and she replied 'Louise' and screamed 'you're not my mummy, Louise!' I asked why she said that and she said 'because you're my mummy, she's not my mummy'. I stopped talking about it and changed the subject because I didn't want to push it or force her to tell me more.

Today she said the same sort of things and also said that her dad had gone out on Sunday and that Louise had said 'I don't want you in my house'.

DD does say stuff that isn't true a lot but I don't think she knows what lying is and it's mostly stuff like that she's been to the seaside today or she's had ice cream for tea. Silly stuff usually.

I don't know what to do. If I speak to her dad he will just deny any of it anyway even if he knew she had said it and he will say I'm trying to cause trouble. He's so defensive and turns me innocently asking something into me having a dig which is why I rarely ask him anything or stick my nose into his time with her.

I'm worried now that she might be being horrible to her but I don't want to go accusing her and causing tension.

Hmmmm, I'm sure someone with more experience will be along in a mo, but tbh your husband needs to grow up and listen to your concerns as DD's father not as your ex.

Could you ask to meet him for a coffee on neutral ground to discuss and just tell him what's going on and ask him to park his feelings towards you and just deal with facts? Either he needs to address issues with "Louise" or he needs to help with addressing whatever issues your DD has. Both need to involve him as part of the solution.

Can you see them both on their own and ask why dd is saying these things? Then say if you are being cruel to my daughter I won't allow her to be where you are, Louise.

It's so hard isn't it! Trying to find the middle ground of being normal but gently extracting information. And then not being judgemental.

I think you do need to say something to him. It needs to be very calm though and maybe leading - ask him to explain what DD could be talking about. Something like
Did you go out Sun, DD seems unhappy do you have any idea what could have caused it?
Putting the emphasis on getting his opinion rather than blaming.

I have the most horrific passive aggressive ex and he's causing untold issues for the children. I feel your pain.

I've only met her once as I walked past his car and I said hello and actually she hid from me behind her scarf and sunk into the carseat because she was obviously ashamed about the affair and I think she thought I was going to give her grief. She's only nineteen with no DC's of her own so she's a bit childish and won't meet me.

Dungandbother it is hard! Having to be positive about people who hurt you and broke your family up is very hard and having to be civil with them is testing at the best of times.

I think I will talk to him about it but I'm just unsure how to word it without sounding like I'm accusing her of being horrible.

If your DD says anything which sounds like she is being abused, maybe try and get someone else to talk to her? So that it is not just coming from you, if you see what I mean.

Basically, if it escalates, you need some record of your concerns to cast back on. Children don't make stuff like that up - ice cream stories maybe because that is within their frame of reference.

ANY concerns about contact need to have a record somewhere beyond you. This is my bitterly learned experience. Even if you go to the GP and say 'my DD is saying these things and I wondered what I should do' it is on record.

Thanks Cocoabutton, never thought of that. Should I ask her key worker at nursery to talk to her about it?

She's very young to be making anything up. I think PP's idea of getting a third, neutral, party to talk to her is a good one.

Yes. I was just going to suggest you get nursery involved. I'd speak to her key worker & say that DD was upset about someone being cross with her and ask the KW to keep an eye on her and see if she mentions it today. I'd keep it very vague (to start with at least) because you don't want her to think you've put words into DD's mouth & you don't want her to say she can't take sides or anything like that.

She's 19 and hid behind her scarf? Sounds childish enough to be jealous of your dd, as she is something that will always link her boyfriend to you.