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Original poster

Cheating fiance

30 replies

Stephanieclarke86 · 05/07/2016 07:51

Hi all
Just looking for some advice really,
I recently found out that my fiancé had been sleeping with someone else. He finished it over a month before I found out but someone who knew the girl told me anyway.
He is determined to stay and make it work as he says he realised how stupid he was and that's why he had already finished it.
Our little girl was only 6 months at the time and he says he felt pushed out and I didn't have any time for him and a colleague at work would always have time to listen to his problems and that's how it started.
My problem is he did cheat in the first couple of months we were together as well so I already gave him another chance, he is saying this is totally different and he knows what he has to lose now so knows he would never ever do anything again
My head is telling me I deserve more and I already gave him his chance but my heart just breaks every time I look at my baby girl as it would be me to make the decision to not take him back and give her a family.
I know I am the type of person to feel guilt every time I look at her in the future if I don't just try for her but I am petrified he will hurt me again.
He has started counselling as he says he wants to make himself a better person for us and he has left his job.

Please help me have some clarity??
Stephanie xxx

OP posts:
thenewaveragebear1983 · 05/07/2016 07:55

Its his decision. Don't let him make you think its you that is breaking up her family. Maybe he should feel guilty every time he looks at her when he thinks about how he chose his penis over her mother when she needed him the most. I almost never comment on these threads, I'm sure someone with more experience and wiser words will come on and give you some good advice, but I didn't want to read and run. You do deserve better. I think you know that too. Flowers

Sierra259 · 05/07/2016 08:00

Get rid. I can perhaps understand giving one chance after infidelity but he has already thrown this back in your face and done it again as soon as things get a little tough. How will you ever be able to trust him, really? Cut your losses now and find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve. Your LO can still have a relationship with their dad, even if you're not with him anymore. You will spend the rest of your life never being quite sure if he can be trusted, and that's no way to live.

smilingeyes11 · 05/07/2016 08:03

bloody hell get rid - he cheated more than once then blames you. And left his job too! Peach of a man. Get yourself STI tested too.

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Relationship problems
Scarydinosaurs · 05/07/2016 08:05

He sounds like a man who was caught, not sorry.

He might want to make it work- but what you want is what matters. He did the cheating, now you need space to do some real thinking.

Littleballerina · 05/07/2016 08:15

How many times is it ok for him to treat you (and now your daughter) like this? Is there a magic number?
He's breaking up your family, not you. Get out before your daughter thinks that this is what to expect in a relationship.
Flowers

Original poster
Stephanieclarke86 · 05/07/2016 09:36

Thanks everyone, I know this is what I need to do I guess it's just doing it... letting go of my whole world and what I thought would be forever!
I just know I will struggle with the guilt that I didn't try for her and if I had have tried and he did do it again I could have looked her in the eye when she's older and tell her I tried my very best xx

OP posts:
nut3lla · 05/07/2016 09:54

Been in your exact situation, married him, 9 months later found out he'd been cheating repeatedly. Forgave him to begin with (early on in relationship when it was a bit long distance), then once more when he told me he couldn't live without me. Wish I'd got rid of him back then, feel like I wasted most of my 20's with the loser. But it is a really difficult decision. I had no children so a little different from you. Maybe give him one more chance? I guess it depends on whether you can ever trust him again? I'd def let him stew a bit though & make him realise what he's lost. at least a couple of weeks where he really thinks you won't take him back. People on here can be very harsh - they'll tell you to 'dump him' but it's not their life long decision. And your child's future. Sad no straight advice from me here. Good luck whatever choice you do make.

FeckinCrutches · 05/07/2016 10:02

Nice to see he is blaming you for not keeping his dick in his pants. What a wanker.

CrazyDuchess · 05/07/2016 10:11

But you did try... you forgave hiking after the first incidence of cheating?

Don't use your daughter as an excuse to stay with this man!

"What you allow is what will continue"

notapizzaeater · 05/07/2016 10:13

You've given him a chance and he's thrown it back in your face.

He was the one who has gambled with your future. He lost.

Original poster
Stephanieclarke86 · 05/07/2016 11:10

nut3lla
Thanks for the advice and I'm sorry to hear what you went through
It has already been 6 weeks since I found out so he has already been doing a lot of stewing and rightly so... he does seem very different this time and as much as I hate it I do believe him that he has learnt his lesson and is changing as a person, or why would he bother going to counselling? Xx

OP posts:
CrazyDuchess · 05/07/2016 11:23

Good luck OP - have no idea why you posted because clearly your mind was made up from the get go.

iloveunicorns · 05/07/2016 11:24

That's a but harsh... Have not made my mind up at all... don't know what to do!!

CrazyDuchess · 05/07/2016 11:25

And now a new username Hmm

TheyOnceSaid · 05/07/2016 11:28

every time I look at her in the future if I don't just try for her but I am petrified he will hurt me again.

I don't think you should stay with him for the sake of your daughter, you say that you a petrified that it is going to happen again, it is only you that can not make it happen again, by leaving him (once a cheat always a cheat) but I think you're going to stay with him anyway.

CrazyDuchess · 05/07/2016 11:29

Not harsh in the slightest! It's true - you are excusing his behaviour

Bottomchops · 05/07/2016 11:30

He's been putting his penis inside another woman. How can you have him anywhere near you!

TheyOnceSaid · 05/07/2016 11:31

Do you know for sure that he is even going to counselling? If I were in your position I wouldn't believe a word he says.

OP you've been given some brilliant advice but you are not choosing to take it Hmm

ChicRock · 05/07/2016 11:32

What's that saying?...

"Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 3 times, I've got 'mug' written on my forehead".

The counselling - did he already have it arranged and was he attending before you found out? Or was it only after you'd discovered he is a second time cheat that the thought he'd better make a bit of effort to look bothered about making himself a better person?

This is a man who is sorry, sorry he's been caught - twice.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/07/2016 11:42

He's had his second chance - if you let him stay this time he knows he can do it again, and again, and again - just flash the puppy dog eyes and say the right things and hey presto, back to normal

How fucking dare he blame you - and your baby for his sexual incontinence

iloveunicorns · 05/07/2016 12:00

Yes you are all right, I'm sorry I guess it's just hard to take because I still love him and still can't quite believe what has happened and by taking your advice I'm officially letting go of everything I had dreamed of but I know that's what I have to do
Wasn't meaning to upset people or waste anyone's time, just hard to hear that this is the man I love Sad

iloveunicorns · 05/07/2016 12:02

I guess I just wanted someone to tell me it's all going to be ok but it's not...

and I only changed my name cuz I didn't realise everyone could see my name on here, I only just joined

TheyOnceSaid · 05/07/2016 12:02

iloveunicorns

What are you going to do?

CrazyDuchess · 05/07/2016 12:04

Okay - so I guess welcome to mumsnet is in order...

No one will tell you what you want to hear... we are in this relationship or know either of you. But based on his actions alone.... I know I couldn't be with a man like that EVER

iloveunicorns · 05/07/2016 12:13

I really don't know what I will do if I'm honest... Just get on with it I guess, concentrate on my little girl and get myslef sorted xx