should I become a mum when I'm scared I'm not up to it?

[user1465646755]

I've just had a bit of a revelation when caring for a 3 month old in my fiancés family. I thought I was beginning to come round to the idea of being a mum. My friends are beginning to have children and having spent time around them and children in the family, I could see it more and more. I live with the most amazing guy and we're due to marry next year, and have been discussing kids.

Today, I've begun to have serious doubts. My fiancé had his first child with another partner when he was very young, and his family is very bug but very supportive. In looking after the little baby today, I realised how rubbish I was wish the baby. I kept doing everything wrong and nothing I seemed to do got the baby to settle, and my fiancé had to keep correcting me and my mistakes. I'm gutted. I've been crying because, although I know I'd be blessed with a great support network if I was to have a child, I'm fearful I would be the weak link, when as the mother we're meant to be the strongest. It made me feel so inadequate: if I can't manage a single day, how could I manage this for real?

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice? I've been in pieces thinking I'm just not cut out, skill-wise or resilience-wise, to be the mum I'd want my kids to have.

I was awful with babies. They didn't like me and I couldn't look after them. I have 2 Kids now. Eldest is 12 and she is fab, so is my youngest. So I can't be that shit.

My brother and his wife had my kids over night when the youngest was a baby. When I picked them up, my brother and sil looked like they were traumatised. My brother kept saying 'how do you do this all the time and work?'

They now have 2 kids and doing fine.

I can't tell you what to do, but if wouldn't put me off.

Oh don't be daft! Very few tiny babies would settle for a relative stranger, it doesn't indicate anything regarding your ability to be a good parent. All most 12 week old babies want is their mum/milk/sleep.

Parenting is usually a combination of instinct, common sense and a healthy dose of winging it, I'm sure you'd be fine.

It's so different with your own! I was crisp with babies ( still am) didn't like wobbly heads and was paranoid about breaking small ones!

DS has turned out fine but I still don't like picking up other peoples'.

Crap with babies- not crisp!

I'm the same OP

I'm currently 8 months pregnant with my first and am just planning on winging it and hoping that it will be different with my own child I know I won't be a natural with the practical stuff but am sure I'll muddle through and it will come to me eventually.

Don't dwell on this recent experience or let it out you off.

I'm currently a week overdue with my first baby and have had horrific experiences looking after nieces and nephews in the past. Couldn't settle them, didn't feel like I had the endless patience that my DH seems to exhibit, could never figure out what they wanted etc. I have always wanted to be a mum but I had all the same doubts that you're having now. I've spoken to lots of friends and my amazing SIL who all told me that they hadn't got a clue what they were doing at first but that you just get to know your own baby and their needs very quickly so it's a totally different kettle of fish to babysitting for somebody else.

I wouldn't let it put you off - it's a massive learning curve but as long as you know that being a mum is something that you want then you will be fine. It sounds like you have a fantastic support network and people who love you will be happy to help without judging you when you're still finding your feet.

You can also feel free to PM me in a few weeks to see how I'm coping - I can be your canary down the goldmine

A baby that age basically wants it's mum, it's not a question of 'doing it right'. To the baby, you smelt wrong and sounded wrong and it wanted someone familiar, preferably mum. Really you don't need special 'skills' to have a baby. You do need to be kind and patient, but you will feel this way much more with your own child than you can with another. xxx

It's different with your own, don't worry

I would, however, be worried about this... my fiancé had to keep correcting me and my mistakes

Does that happen a lot OP?

My sister in-laws hadn't a clue never changed a nappy, couldn't even hold baby right. When she had her own she was a natural most mums are with their own took to it like a duck to water.
I'm brilliant with my own kids and adore them but find minding other people's hard and can't wait to their parents are back to hand them back. But with my own I hate handing them over. Mother Nature is wonderful